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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I ever get over it?

38 replies

Helena22 · 17/09/2023 20:50

Just over a year has passed since I found out about DHs two year (plus) affair (claimed emotional but more than likely physical too) with someone he met through work and things are still tough. Decided to stay and see how things went as DD still at home and he wanted to make things work. Other kids are at uni. Keep feeling low, still feel the hurt and have the questions in my head - never got any openness from DH and actually in some ways things are more secretive - bank statements online and no access to phone bills......he's back working at his old place which gives me huge anxiety and I know she gets around a lot of the hospitals including the one where he now works - anyone else stay and feel the same? Just know that things will never be the same again and that makes me so sad and also angry.....

OP posts:

Commentsonly · 17/09/2023 20:54

:( no advice OP but just to say I feel for you. When this happened to me I never got over it and it just ate away at us. Needless to say not together anymore.

Maybe try counselling?

unisurge · 17/09/2023 20:56

Do you know why he did it? Is he sorry?
I cheated on my husband and honestly was so sorry and would never ever do it again. Plus it was all about me and nothing to do with him. I was insecure and struggling. So I do think people can make mistakes and change but they have to be honest about why it happened and serious about putting the work in to make sure it doesn't happen again x

birker · 17/09/2023 21:02

I think for a couple to work through an affair the cheater has to be 100% open, remorseful and reassuring.
The fact he's still not owned up to the extent of the affair mixed with his ongoing secrecy would be the end for me.

He should be needing over backwards to prove himself to shoe and show you how much he loves you and wants to be with you. Any less than that then there is zero chance of you moving forward as a couple.....and it's not your fault in the slightest

birker · 17/09/2023 21:03

*bending over backwards

Specso · 17/09/2023 21:24

If it went on for over two years it seems virtually impossible that it wasn’t physical if they weren’t long distance.

It sounds like he hasn’t been totally upfront and honest about what happened which is essential if there is any hope of you ever getting over it.

In my experience it’s rare for someone to be able to get over it, move on and actually be happy as you have to massively lower your standards in order to do so and why should anyone have to do that..or want to.

Original poster

Helena22 · 18/09/2023 09:30

A mix of jumbled up reasons were given to me as to why it happened - he was low, she gave him attention, understood the pressures at work more than I do, she is attractive, separated (though with a bf).....I am still not convinced it is over but cannot prove either way.

He did seem sorry initially but he needed a few weeks to decide what to do. During that time I know he was looking at smaller houses to move to and I have no evidence that he actually called it off. He claimed to have called her but I did get access to his phone records and there was no evidence of him calling her when he said he did. Just a lot of calls to her whilst we were on our family holiday the month before.

OP posts:

rockingbird · 18/09/2023 10:57

I speak from experience-it's very hard to forgive and even harder to forget. The length of the affair shows you there was far more to it than you've been told. Unless he's completely open and honest and of course very remorseful there's really no point in carrying on. It's basically eats away at your mental state and you end up the crazy one who did nothing wrong 😑 after 5 years I walked away, it took a lot and by that time I was a complete wreck. I drank to block it all out stupidly.. obviously that just caused me more anxiety and pain. A year on I can honestly say I'm a much better person and you can be to. Don't waste your life on someone that can treat you so disrespectfully, you deserve much better!

Original poster

Helena22 · 18/09/2023 11:05

Yes, I have been drinking too much too, then turned to exercise but did that in anger and injured myself so going round and round in circles. I cannot see me doing this for 5 years but maybe I need to confront him now and demand openness and honesty......

OP posts:

gamerchick · 18/09/2023 11:10

A 2 + affair is a long term relationship, a seperate life. There isn't a hope in hell I'd even try and get past that level of sustained deceit.

If you don't both get to the roots, it'll eat away at your marriage. There might not be anything worth saving.

Original poster

Helena22 · 18/09/2023 12:10

If anything he's been more secretive and gets upset when I am detached or angry. It is such an awful place to be as I am teetering on breaking my whole family up because I cannot deal with my own feelings, accept what has happened and move on.......

OP posts:

NotAgainBrian · 18/09/2023 12:16

Helena22 · 18/09/2023 12:10

You're not the one who would be breaking your whole family up. He did that, when he chose to cheat on you and break his marriage vows. You have to do what's right for you. Some people do get past cheating but only with a lot of honesty and putting a lot of work in. Sadly it sounds like you're getting neither from him.

Original poster

Helena22 · 18/09/2023 17:21

Not at the moment…in fact I’ve never been given much information or explanation and am unsure how much to press for it.

OP posts:

rockingbird · 18/09/2023 17:45

Can you not see how this has been turned round on you, you don't want to press him for fear of upsetting things.. f*ck that! You didn't do this to your marriage he did - yet your the one not wanting to upset things. I was the same, convinced myself it was my fault. I should have been a better wife, more skinny, younger and so on.. truth is he gave up the best thing he ever had - his loving family when his dick brain led him down a different path. We were discussing Christmas again last weekend.. who's 'turn' it was this year. Erm mine 🤷🏼‍♀️ you gave up that right when you stuck your dick in someone else. You need to be much tougher about this, this wasn't your doing, your not breaking up the family, far too many men get away with it - possibly the reason so many men cheat!!

Original poster

Helena22 · 20/09/2023 08:54

My emotion switches regularly between anger and extreme sadness and I still don't trust DH. He deleted all his Whatsapp chat with OW as he said it was "nothing" just "silly chat" but why delete them? I also strongly suspect he still sees OW at work - he changed jobs earlier this year and I discovered an email she sent to his new colleagues asking to go and see them (she's a rep). There are just so many unanswered questions and I've been told so many lies. I am stuck but don't want to destroy my DD who has one more year at school. She has been through enough already. Also don't want to give the OW any satisfaction. She has form for affairs with consultants (totally against her firm's code of ethics)......

OP posts:

Maze76 · 20/09/2023 10:39

As someone who has been where you are and out the other side, I offer this advice. Do what’s best for you. Don’t factor the OW into your next steps, seek legal advice, do not leave the marital home - he can as he caused this.
if you continue as you are your anxiety will increase and mentally you will suffer.
Time to take control- he has had far to much of it.

Original poster

Helena22 · 22/09/2023 07:42

Thanks. I think I just need to sit him down and tell him how I feel - I haven't got anyone I can talk to about any of this and it is just destroying me. I have weaned myself off anti-depressants but am drinking too much to numb the pain. Life is really busy but I do keep getting flashbacks and triggers and a day doesn't go by when I don't think about what happened. I also check up on OW on social media regularly as I am convinced DH still sees her. Tempted as I was to contact her, I never did......

OP posts:

Lupin61 · 22/09/2023 07:51

The same thing has been happening to me. Husband in an 18 month relationship with his work colleague and I’ve stayed but still think he’s hiding things from me and blowing hot and cold etc. strongly considering leaving him before the year is up as the situation is literally destroying me. I’m an anxious wreck and it consumes me every day

Original poster

Helena22 · 22/09/2023 08:08

Lupin61 really sorry to hear that. It is such an awful situation to be in. I still have flashbacks to the day I found out which was from DD telling me. Makes me feel sick even thinking of it. OW has form with doctors (she is a medical rep) and apparently had a partner at the time having split from her DH with whom she has DC. DH said he was in love with her, claims it was just an emotional affair but I don't believe him given the gifts he sent - loads of flowers, beautiful Tiffany necklace, expensive perfume....a lunch at a michelin star restaurant.....I could go on.

OP posts:

booksandbrews · 22/09/2023 08:26

My husband and I are rebuilding after an affair. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and he’s doing everything ‘right’ (totally transparent about what happened and why, been to therapy to work on his own issues, done loads of reading about affair recovery, never ever gets annoyed when I want to talk about/ask questions, goes out of his way to remind me how much he loves me.

And still, I question whether I’m doing the right thing. So I can’t even imagine how hard it must be if you don’t have transparency etc from your husband.

letthatmango · 22/09/2023 09:21

No sweetheart, you won’t get over it while he is still lying and betraying your belief in him to do and be better.

And neither should you.

Reconciling after an affair is all about honesty and transparency and the cheat needs to want to be a safe partner for the betrayed partner.

Your faithless, lying, sneaking husband does not want that. He lied initially about outside contact with this woman, he lied about keeping her number on his phone, he’s no doubt seeing her in the workplace and worse he is still withholding information from you that could help you heal. I do not believe fully grown adults in an affair do not have sex if they meet up.

You can’t heal and not know what you’re healing from.

You are not repairing your marriage or making a go of it, you’re in limbo or purgatory waiting for it to end, or for him to care. And at the moment he just wants you to put up and shut up.

Cheaters go through a process to get to remorseful and to find empathy and they go through regret, shame, guilt first and many just get stuck there and do not want to, or haven’t got the courage to go further. He’s either at that point or worse he’s still actively cheating.

Ive seen your posts before and tbh you haven’t moved forward in nearly a year because fear of the unknown is paralysing you but surely it’s worse to be stuck where you are?!

TBH I can’t see any choice but to rattle his chains and tell him you want out. He will either wake the f up and realise just what he has to do or he’ll watch you walk away.

Get yourself onto surviving infidelity and post in their reconciliation pages. Understand what remorse looks like and then you’ll see just how far away this nasty man is from actually caring about your healing. Read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ to understand just how far short his pathetic efforts are.

My heart goes out to you. You deserve better for you!!!!

Original poster

Helena22 · 22/09/2023 15:57

Really appreciate all the messages and shared experiences. I feel lost, angry, trapped, frightened, foolish and stupid all at once so its good to chat online and get some points of view. To a certain extent DH is trying but I just don't trust him and and am actually finding the extra attention and him being over sensitive when I don't reciprocate, pretty challenging. At the same time, I feel worn out, heartbroken and worthless. The anti-depressants didn't work and the alcohol is only a temporary fix......

OP posts:

Mmhmmn · 22/09/2023 16:13

"I cannot see me doing this for 5 years"

OP, why 5 years? It would be such a long and unhappy 5 years to continue as you are, judging from how you're (understandably!) feeling.

Just because you decided not to end it a year ago on finding out about his betrayal doesn't mean you can't end it now and be in a better place instead in 5 years' time.

(Incidentally I think you've done well not to cut the sleeves of all his clothes or something given what he has done).

Mmhmmn · 22/09/2023 16:14

Perhaps take some legal advice and see how you feel after that?

Mmhmmn · 22/09/2023 16:16

please go easy with the alcohol, it's not even a temporary fix - I guarantee it's making you feel worse (not judging)

Gettingbysomehow · 22/09/2023 16:17

I would never stay with anyone who betrayed me. Which is probably why I've been divorced three times.
I am not the forgiving type and can afford financially not to be with a man.

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