Will I ever get over it?

[Helena22]

Just over a year has passed since I found out about DHs two year (plus) affair (claimed emotional but more than likely physical too) with someone he met through work and things are still tough. Decided to stay and see how things went as DD still at home and he wanted to make things work. Other kids are at uni. Keep feeling low, still feel the hurt and have the questions in my head - never got any openness from DH and actually in some ways things are more secretive - bank statements online and no access to phone bills......he's back working at his old place which gives me huge anxiety and I know she gets around a lot of the hospitals including the one where he now works - anyone else stay and feel the same? Just know that things will never be the same again and that makes me so sad and also angry.....

Perhaps you could tell him that you can't go on like this and things have to change if you're going to even begin to move forwards together. You could tell him you're giving it until DD finishes school next year and that if there's no improvement in your relationship by then, it's over. Meanwhile, you could say that the deal is that all financial information, phones and phone records are available to you both at all times. You want 100% transparency on everything. If he's not hiding anything then why would he object?

Do you really really want to stay with him?
Or are you more afraid of divorce?

He's not doing enough. He isn't that sorry.

How did you find out? Is he more sorry you found out than his actual betrayal?

I personally think there's no come back from adultery. It's who they are. They don't change.

You however could shake free from it all.

I remember your story from before and just to say he’s making this difficult by being an arse post affair and not being transparent, but here’s how to heal. It takes about 3 years or so, for full healing.

You have to stop feeling like a victim of it all and that he did this to you or because he does not care about you. He did it because he’s a selfish undeveloped man child that can not take responsibility or life seriously and is full of shit my dear. That much is clear.

So stop feeling screwed over this. Every month longer in this is not so bad. You have a nice place to live, start living for God’s sake, don’t stop your vision and your life just because someone has temporarily shat on in it. Don’t allow it.

Each month longer you get more pension, your kid gets to finish their schooling in peace, you are doing this for yourself as much as them as you are currently perhaps too fragile to venture out. And when DD leaves to Uni you can then pick up and think of what you want you will be less traumatised. Then if you leave in a few yrs when u r stringer it’s fine too, he’ll have to share 2.5 yrs plus this yr DD is home extra pension assets etc and then who’s scamming who? Maybe it was yr plan to milk it and ensure his relationship fizzles out so he’s got nothing left. Seriously it’s psychopathic but gets you to stop feeling like a victim. That’s where u need to be. To feel that you could be just as ruthless rather than feel he’s put you through this. Once you get this mentality then:

Say you are sick of the betrayal and what a waste of time it has been for you and how you are moving on. Be vague about latter.

Then say if we are to move on I need complete reassurance and transparency. That means complete overview of income expenditure and comms otherwise you don’t want to be with someone who’s vague and doesn’t know what they want. It’s either real or it’s not, and you have options choices and deserve transparency or it’s off. That includes declaring any comms whatsoever from her or anything relating to that part of history. You are the only one h h st can give him family and you’re also fine to call it a day if he’s fucking with you.

Wishing you balls and strength.

Oh and drop in that you know that you’d be fine either way because this has not been ‘living’ it’s been chaos you did not deserve and it’s wasted so much of your energy you should have devoted to the kids and family.

And that should you split up you will be happy for him to have another life but for clarity you will claim all that is rightfully yours half the home and half the assets and any pension before and after the affair, say at least I have not wasted all of the past 3 yrs on nothing. And then he can prepare for a life on half all his assets and half all the income but to yr imagination it’s not going to be as comfortable for either of you. Still living like this is shit and it’s either transparency or end of bullshit life as it now forever. His call.

Meanwhile think of what would bring greater transparency and make a list.

Thanks all - am actually frightened about having the conversation but then I know it needs to happen as can't go on like this......

Don’t be. The whole reason you’re in a pickle is because you keep pussyfooting around this so called Mr nice guy who’s not treating you with respect. Forget cheating. Transparency is needed anyhow especially if trust has been broken and he’s wanting to make a go of things. Look the moment you cross the boundary of what’s acceptable to bring up, he’ll get the message you are growing up and you would want to both grow from this experience surely if he’s wanting you. It’s about getting you to thrive again and you can not thrive in a cloud of doubt. Getting over it means you thriving again.

As for it all being ‘love’…everything fizzles out with time, absolutely every attraction, mystery, desire. The only thing that doesn’t is a sense of family. Christmas, birthdays, your children together, your future grandchildren. You are the package my dear. Never doubt it for one second. This other was a shot show that carried on a little too long. I am not diminishing it but you are the family and she’s the outsider looking in. Reclaim your family. If someone temporarily shits on it it does not mean that it has to change your plans as to what you want out of life. You’ve both made the right choice but now he’s got to allow you to grow together from it. And it starts with complete transparency. Only you could know exactly what that means for you and your situation, but you must not suppress any of it, you need to ask for it and you need to get better ❤️‍🩹 for you, for your children and for all of us who want to see you do well. Go OP.

I agree fully with @letthatmango

And OP, you really should let that 'man' go. From what you've said it sounds like he's still seeing her.

He's not been honest with you and that's why you aren't healing.

Get all financial stuff together, don't let him suspect a thing and kick his cheating arse out.

You deserve a million times more than this.

@Helena22 don't mistake being ‘oh so sad’ that you’re hurting with remorse. It’s just his tool in his arsenal to get you to play ball.

He is watching you break and he is unable or worse unwilling to do what is needed to help you heal.

In reconciliation it is actions over words EVERY time! His words are meaningless, his actions demonstrate whether or not he is truly remorseful and wanting to be a safe partner for you.

And he’s doing nothing. No transparency and no honesty.

You are right, you can’t go on like this, but be practical have the conversation with a clear list of actions you’d like from him to help you feel safe.

I remember this bit and feeling like I was on one side of a huge chasm and he was on the other and I was throwing him a rope and he was just standing there and watching my efforts. It was only when he grasped the rope that I knew he’d got it.

You’ve suffered for so long, trying to keep it all together, and he has caused you huge amounts of pain, it’s now down to him to shape up or ship out so you can heal.

I do understand how utterly paralysing the fear is, but I know that a lot of anxiety will disappear for you when you have a path.

This happened to a close friend. She said it consumed her.

But then one day she just got sick if how much time it was taking in her head. She decided if she was to stay, she had to move on. Stop talking about it and giving it the airtime.

I guess you could say she forgave him and she started focussing on what she loved about him and their future.

Can you do this? Let it go? Limit how much headspace you give to it? It’s fine if you can’t but they did move past it and they are happy now.

I would never be able to forgive that. So sorry op x

It's not your fault & you absolutely don't have to get over it! He's broken your family OP.