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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Weird question asked

30 replies

Endnow · 17/09/2023 19:12

He is drunk again fourth time this week wow this man ( my so called husband ) has issues . i asked him why he keeps disappearing upstairs( for a secret vape I think ) .

I am not allowed any explanation but he did ask “ who does society want to be living at this moment in time you or me ? Who is this most pathetic ?

I presume because he is working and I am currently not .
what an evil cruel bastard thing to say . I want to leave .

OP posts:
Original poster
Endnow · 17/09/2023 19:15

Also said “I would keep my head down if I was you “
wtf

OP posts:
Lamelie · 17/09/2023 19:25

Leave. What’s stopping you?
Genuine not snippy question. Let us help you.

TreeHuggerMum1 · 17/09/2023 19:27

I’d ask him outright if he meant to be physically threatening! I would not stay.

Pottyberry · 17/09/2023 19:27

Not trying to scare you, but that sounds odd and threatening. Can you go and stay elsewhere for tonight? Any chance he would leave?

TickyTimeBomb · 17/09/2023 19:33

So he openly drinks but vapes in secret.

This relationship has crossed over into open hatred.

You both need to be apart, nothing good will be achieved being in each other's company.

Original poster
Endnow · 17/09/2023 19:33

I’m in the bedroom have put some step ladders up against bedroom door . I don’t think he will do anything as son and girlfriend at home . I’m just so shocked he said that . It has made me feel worthless .

OP posts:
Original poster
Endnow · 17/09/2023 19:35

@TickyTimeBomb I know it needs to finish I have no where to go at the moment .
I’m working on it .

OP posts:
pictoosh · 17/09/2023 19:35

He's a vicious bastard trying to hurt you because he's a selfish drunk and he knows it's a shit show. Don't take his comment on board. Truly.

Lamelie · 17/09/2023 19:40

Whose house are you in?
Is DS his?

BigPussyEnergy · 17/09/2023 19:42

That’s a disgusting thing to say. And I don’t think the answer is what he thinks it is! Please find somewhere else to be, he sounds unstable and I’d be worried if someone said that to me.

Watchkeys · 17/09/2023 19:43

It has made me feel worthless

His opinion isn't the deciding vote on your worth. If he told you that you were made of custard, you'd think he was nuts. If he tells you another nonsense, like 'you're rubbish', you take it on board. Ask yourself why.

Original poster
Endnow · 17/09/2023 19:53

Just can’t get over the society thing wtf . I would never even think of saying that to someone. The ultimate put down .

OP posts:
TickyTimeBomb · 17/09/2023 20:29

Endnow · 17/09/2023 19:53

Just can’t get over the society thing wtf . I would never even think of saying that to someone. The ultimate put down .

Yeah that's contempt for you.

Time to get away, who knows why he's trying to show how much he hates you, maybe he hates himself.

Maybe he's just a cruel bastard who has no empathy.

Either way it looks like he's blaming you.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2023 20:31

He hates you. He has devalued you in his mind. You have to leave as soon as you can.

Original poster
Endnow · 18/09/2023 08:42

I don’t want to be here when he returns from work but nowhere to go.

OP posts:
Oldthyme · 18/09/2023 08:47

I’d be really worried about the statement to “keep your head down if I was you.”

What goes he intend to do to you if you don’t?

lost78300 · 18/09/2023 09:01

Contact women's aid. They will help you move out and keep you safe. He sounds threatening and this could escalate.

Original poster
Endnow · 18/09/2023 09:02

@Oldthyme I don’t know .
To be honest I’ve been keeping my head down for years as just want to get along.
I leave the room when he starts it’s embarrassing I’m sure the neighbours can hear him talk to me like this .
All the things he says he will never ever apologise as it’s always my fault .
I’m responsible for what comes out of his mouth.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 18/09/2023 09:08

Where are you up to with your planning?

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/09/2023 09:17

You have to be very very practical now. Are you married? I know you said so-called husband but I didn't know what you meant. Do you have a mortgage or rent? If you are not married whose name is on the mortgage?

I think you need to get away from him for your own safety. Is there anywhere you can go?

Mumtime2 · 18/09/2023 09:32

He works but treats you like rubbish and secretly vapes..
Or is he smoking dope?
He is venting on you.
Know your worth unemployed or not, and surely walking on eggs shells means something is wrong.
Ladders against the door, that is not on.
For your own self what do you want and need.
It is better to be sane, safe, and stable single than that for existence.
Never mind about the neighbours, at least if they hear it, they can vouch for you.
Call someone in person you need real world and life help and compassion.

Original poster
Endnow · 18/09/2023 09:32

pickledandpuzzled · 18/09/2023 09:08

Where are you up to with your planning?

I’m on W A chat now just waiting .

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 18/09/2023 09:36

People on here are really good at helping you get your ducks lined up.

There are steps you need to take, things you need to gather. They can help you be as well prepared as possible to limit his ability to hound you afterwards.

Original poster
Endnow · 18/09/2023 09:37

@determinedtomakethiswork
im on the mortgage .Our house .

OP posts:
Newbiemama24 · 18/09/2023 09:41

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Shame on him. To answer his question, Society doesn't need anymore cruel, drunken fools so my vote goes to keep you! I'm glad you're in touch with WA, hopefully they can help get you out there. I'm not sure how secure you are financially, but what skills could you use to get a job and financial independence even if not the best paid at first - peace is priceless. If you decide to go through leaving him, assuming you dont have a prenuptial agreement, youll get half, as you should! Hopefully that will be enough to give you a kick start into a new life.