Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moving in with in laws

45 replies

Su5677 · 17/09/2023 12:37

A few weeks ago my dp suggested that we move into his parents house. I am 25 and he is 27. We have two dc (4) and (2). We currently rent a house, he works full time and I work part time. We’ve accumulated some debt over the years and currently can’t save anything for a house. Our disposable income is quite low so we can’t do much either. His suggestion would mean paying off all our debt and be able to make a start on saving. We get on quite well with his parents and they do live in a larger house so it wouldn’t be too cramped. However, I can’t imagine sharing a living space and being around people all the time. I’m at home with the children 5 out of 7 days a week and feel like I won’t be able to relax and worry about them making a mess in their house ect. Some days we just stay at home in our pjs and lounge about! It can be overbearing when we visit sometimes, stepping in when we are parenting and feeling like my every move is being watched. Money is a big stress factor in our lives but I’m quite happy with our set up, living independently as a family. We aren’t married and I’m worried what would happen to me if we were to suddenly break up? Obviously I’d be the one to leave but I reckon with my single income I’d struggle ever getting back on the rental market and I wouldn’t have anywhere else to go. Just to clarify we are very happy but I’m wondering that maybe the pressure of living with in- laws would be too much? I’m finding it very emotional at the moment, our children are very little and I hate to think we wouldn’t be spending these prime years in our own home. I love our house and we do manage.. all bills, food and our repayments are paid on time every month but like I said we would never be able to put money away or pay off our debts any quicker. We live pay check to pay check to put it simply. Shall we move out for a year or so and give up our rental to pay off all our debt and save up? Will it be worth it? What would you do? What are peoples experiences? Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 12:40

We lived with DHs parents for approx 18 months to save up.

I was a SAHM to one child at the time. I would do it again, but ILs never gave unsolicited advice or got involved with childcare. They had their lives, we had ours.

Is marriage on the cards? In your shoes I wouldn't be too keen on the idea if it's unlikely you'd be getting married but that's just me.

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 12:42

Also how much would you realistically be able to save each month after debt payment?

How much is property in your area?

By living with my parents and then the ILs, for a period of roughly 3.5 years, we were able to save up a 45% deposit for our first house. We lived in an area of reasonably cheap housing and saved every penny.

If you're in London and can only save 10k, I probably wouldn't bother.

Noorandapples · 17/09/2023 12:47

Omg don't do it. From experience it can range from slightly uncomfortable day to day all the way to relationship destroyer. It's easy for them to slip into parent mode and for the adult child to stop acting like an adult.

If you do it anyway make sure you have an agreement that you can change your mind and move out again without a huge argument.

Mmhmmn · 17/09/2023 12:51

“but I’m quite happy with our set up, living independently as a family. “

because that’s normal.
Omg OP don’t do it. It sounds to me like your gut instinct is screaming NO and for good reason. Is he a massive mummy’s boy? Is that part of why you’re not married? There must be other ways to manage the debt down and live independently as the adults you are.

woodyscowboyhat · 17/09/2023 12:59

I've done it and wouldn't do it again. We did it as I was expecting and wanted to save. I had to bring my newborn home to their house, we had our own bathroom and living room but it still felt uncomfortable. I felt I couldn't have a lay in, sit in my pyjamas on a weekend etc, they felt very involved with my son as he lived with them but it meant I got a lot of unsolicited advice and it was just awful. Little things annoyed me and little things annoyed them.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/09/2023 13:04

Noooooooooooooo!

2chocolateoranges · 17/09/2023 13:11

Dh and I lived with my mum for 10 months until we could move into our new house. We used one of the bedrooms as a living room and shared he kitchen and bathroom. My mum is rarely at home apart from to sleep as she worked and had a good social life. It worked for us but bliss moving into our home together,

it gave us a chance to save more money however now we have children I wouldn’t do it, you need your space, you are already in a routine and it wouldn’t be for me.

Gazelda · 17/09/2023 13:15

I couldn't do it myself. I would be able to bear the lack of privacy and the obligation I'd feel to socialise with them, be forever grateful, keeping the DC occupied and out of the house etc.

But all families are different and this would work for some.

I'd suggest you have a very clear agreement beforehand. How communal facilities are shared, whether parenting advice would be welcome, how long it would be for, how much you'd pay and how much you'd save etc. Would they resent you having a holiday or new haircut?

If you decide that this isn't something you can do, it's probably time to formulate a plan on how to pay off the debt and your life goals going forward. Will you need to move to a bigger home at some point? Do you want to own eventually? Should you up your hours or invest in training for a higher paid role?

BeeCucumber · 17/09/2023 13:16

No. No. No. It will all end in tears.

FictionalCharacter · 17/09/2023 13:36

It can be overbearing when we visit sometimes, stepping in when we are parenting and feeling like my every move is being watched.

Don’t do it. It might have been bearable if they were the type of people who would leave you be, but they’re not. Also you say it would not be “too cramped” suggesting that their house isn’t big enough for you to have a whole separate area of your own.

Of course DP thinks it’s a good idea, he works full time so it’s only you who would be watched all day and have your parenting interfered with. Has he even asked them?!

It’s not easy being short of money but to me, freedom to do what you want in your own home is worth more than a fortune.

MammaTo · 17/09/2023 13:39

We moved in with in laws (pre baby baring in mind) and it helped us save immensely. We get on with in laws very well and it set us up for life tbh, we’ve got our own house plus a savings pot we’d of never had if we carried on renting.

Hbh17 · 17/09/2023 13:49

I liked my late in laws, but I would rather have chopped off my own arm than live with either them or my parents. It's someone else's house, with all their rules and ways of doing things. I would feel that I could never relax. Adults need a place of their own.

SGBK4862 · 17/09/2023 13:50

I couldn't do that. My mil, who was lovely, looked after our eldest for a year or so when I went back after mat leave. She then lived too far to travel daily, so came to stay for a few nights each week. She never interfered but did join us in the evenings and ate with us. I found it quite difficult and felt on edge sometimes, also jealous of her being with my child. All my fault, not hers at all and I felt bad about being so intolerant. (As well as so grateful for her support - we couldn't afford childcare at the time).

Worse for OP as its neither your house nor your family.

MintJulia · 17/09/2023 13:56

Can your ILs give you two bedrooms and a sitting room of your own? That way, you would have your own space to retreat to and not worry about untidiness.

Original poster
Su5677 · 17/09/2023 14:56

@Dacadactyl The plan is to get married but I suppose there’s no guarantee…

OP posts:
Original poster
Su5677 · 17/09/2023 15:02

@Dacadactyl Thanks for your reply. We would save quite a bit. We pay over 2k just for house bills and rent. If we moved out, on average we could clear our 15k debt and save another 10k on top after paying all our outgoings in the first 12 months

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 15:03

And would 10k give you enough for a deposit in your area?

Original poster
Su5677 · 17/09/2023 15:39

@Dacadactyl A 10% deposit in our area would be around 27k

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 16:05

It's a difficult one because you would benefit in the long term from owning your own house! The financial security this would give me and the kids would mean that I would put up with almost anything to be able to achieve it.

BUT, I'd never lived with DH in our own place (just the 2 of us) before we got married so i never got used to it. Maybe I'd feel differently if id rented with him beforehand.

It's a tough one.

MoggyP · 17/09/2023 16:20

Money is a big stress factor in our lives but I’m quite happy with our set up, living independently as a family

Happiness isn't sufficient - you are knowingly living beyond your means. You are accumulating debt and have no plan to pay it off. Get your head out of the clouds. Your DP seems to have more sense and has come up with a plan. I can see you don't much like the sound of it (and have some sympathy for that) but it has the huge advantage of clearing your debt and accumulating both a safety net of savings and a deposit. Do you have a different plan for achieving that in a not-too-distant time scale?

What will happen to you if you break up? As unmarried, then depending on what child arrangements are made, it's likely the DC will live with you some (possibly even more than half) of the time, and you will receive child maintenance. But you'll need to support yourself and the DC beyond that amount. It'll be up to you to find somewhere to live etc. A move to a cheaper neighbourhood is likely to be on the cards.

So can you up your hours at work? If you were finding it hard to live anything other than payday to payday on the combined earnings of you and DP, you're going to find it even harder on your own. So again you need some unsentimental planning about how to increase your income? More hours? More senior job?

Gazelda · 17/09/2023 16:34

Su5677 · 17/09/2023 15:02

@Dacadactyl Thanks for your reply. We would save quite a bit. We pay over 2k just for house bills and rent. If we moved out, on average we could clear our 15k debt and save another 10k on top after paying all our outgoings in the first 12 months

So you wouldn't be paying any housing costs to your ILs? Are you sure they'd agree to that?

And if you were able to save £10k, then that's only 4% of a £270k house. Not a very substantial deposit. Could you raise a £260k mortgage between your salary and DP's?

Apologies if I've misunderstood your figures.

It's hard, I sympathise. But I think you might be better looking to reduce your costs and raise your income at the same time. Can you speak with your ILs and seek their guidance?

Original poster
Su5677 · 17/09/2023 17:07

@Gazelda IL’s have agreed to us moving in. So we would pay £400 a month for two bedrooms and our own bathroom. This is all bills included and then we would buy our own food ect. In 12 months we would have 25k saved, we’d pay 15k of that to clear our debts and have 10k left. If we stayed another year (dp plan if all goes well) we’d save a further 25k and end up with around 35k in the bank and be debt free (that’s the idea anyway). I hope that makes more sense? In terms of salaries I work hours that are cost effective in terms of nursery. Obviously this will change when school comes around which would allow me to work full time (I’m currently studying to ensure I can get a higher paid job) Dp earns a decent wage but the rent in our area is a lot.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/09/2023 17:12

Su5677 · 17/09/2023 15:02

@Dacadactyl Thanks for your reply. We would save quite a bit. We pay over 2k just for house bills and rent. If we moved out, on average we could clear our 15k debt and save another 10k on top after paying all our outgoings in the first 12 months

Has he spoken to them about it?

Crosspost

Financially it makes sense.

But no.

Chunkyspunkymunkey · 17/09/2023 18:00

I think it could work given you have two rooms and a bathroom. I would look to set up one of the rooms for kids to sleep AND playroom/sitting room. If this is going to work, you need to provide ILs with as little child mayhem as possible. I love my family, but am delighted to wave them off after a couple of days, especially those with children.

People find their own kids difficult enough sometimes, let alone two active small ones.I have never met two people who agree on parenting styles and it can become an issue really quickly.

Do everything you can to minimise the disruption to your ILs. They are doing you a massive favour. Your plan sound great.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/09/2023 19:37

Can you put one child in with you, or get them to share, and sublet a room to a lodger like a foreign language student? I would rather that