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Original poster

Moving in with in laws

45 replies

Su5677 · 17/09/2023 12:37

A few weeks ago my dp suggested that we move into his parents house. I am 25 and he is 27. We have two dc (4) and (2). We currently rent a house, he works full time and I work part time. We’ve accumulated some debt over the years and currently can’t save anything for a house. Our disposable income is quite low so we can’t do much either. His suggestion would mean paying off all our debt and be able to make a start on saving. We get on quite well with his parents and they do live in a larger house so it wouldn’t be too cramped. However, I can’t imagine sharing a living space and being around people all the time. I’m at home with the children 5 out of 7 days a week and feel like I won’t be able to relax and worry about them making a mess in their house ect. Some days we just stay at home in our pjs and lounge about! It can be overbearing when we visit sometimes, stepping in when we are parenting and feeling like my every move is being watched. Money is a big stress factor in our lives but I’m quite happy with our set up, living independently as a family. We aren’t married and I’m worried what would happen to me if we were to suddenly break up? Obviously I’d be the one to leave but I reckon with my single income I’d struggle ever getting back on the rental market and I wouldn’t have anywhere else to go. Just to clarify we are very happy but I’m wondering that maybe the pressure of living with in- laws would be too much? I’m finding it very emotional at the moment, our children are very little and I hate to think we wouldn’t be spending these prime years in our own home. I love our house and we do manage.. all bills, food and our repayments are paid on time every month but like I said we would never be able to put money away or pay off our debts any quicker. We live pay check to pay check to put it simply. Shall we move out for a year or so and give up our rental to pay off all our debt and save up? Will it be worth it? What would you do? What are peoples experiences? Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

GLORIAGloriarse · 17/09/2023 23:24

It's miles from ideal, I am the first to see that, but if you're racking up more debt and are already 15k in the red at your ages (I assume you don't mean normal student debt?) then I would consider hard whether you and your mental health can make the best of this this for a year.

See that as a break clause, with a very clear understanding with DP that if you're not happy then you all leave after a year.

Are your PILs the types of people you can put some mutual ground rules in place with? That is to say a tricky conversation led by DP. On their side, ask what they want to agree upon. You can then lay out that you are extremely grateful but on your side, you would like to stipulate no unsolicited parenting advice. Agreed that a playroom setup would be helpful if the bedroom can double up- maybe bunk beds to maximise floor space.

I would expect life to get in the way a bit so you may not save the full 35k but clearing your debt and having a good chunk feels worth it rather than continuing to struggle financially. 2 years will pass quickly and you'll have a reasonable amount of space even if not full run of the house.

Can I ask about the debt, where has this come from? Is there a plan in place to manage money you do save?

Chunkyspunkymunkey · 17/09/2023 23:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/09/2023 19:37

Can you put one child in with you, or get them to share, and sublet a room to a lodger like a foreign language student? I would rather that

For a min I thought you were suggesting she rent out one of ILs two rooms to a student!

PeopleAreWeird · 17/09/2023 23:31

Overbearing as a visitor and you feel your being watched and you want to move in with these people?????

Your MAD !!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 23:33

Tell him you will not even consider this unless you're married before you move in with them.

You are sleepwalking through your own life. Smarten up.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/09/2023 23:35

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2023 23:33

Tell him you will not even consider this unless you're married before you move in with them.

You are sleepwalking through your own life. Smarten up.

But only if they don't rack up more debts with the wedding

ButterCrackers · 17/09/2023 23:36

Could you and your dh have a discussion on how to manage being in their home with your young kids. It’s going to be noise and mess and all in the shared spaces. How to your in laws see it working? See what they say. They might be fine for a years chaos because you’ll get back on your feet financially and this is family helping family.

richteaftw · 17/09/2023 23:39

I've done it twice. Pre-kids & marriage and then when we had DS and were married.

I love my ILs a lot, but I absolutely would not do it again. I was fine before kids, but with DS I found it very overwhelming.

AutumnalPumpkin · 17/09/2023 23:41

No no no !!
Please for the love of god do NOT do it. & save yourself, your children, your mental health and your relationship ship

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 00:18

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/09/2023 23:35

But only if they don't rack up more debts with the wedding

Show quote history

You're obviously not aware that you don't have to have a wedding in order to get married. An appointment at the registry office is all you need. My husband and I did this 26 years ago and we're just as married as people who spent thousands on a wedding.

Dropthedonkey · 18/09/2023 00:22

You have a lot of debt for such young people. It sounds like paying that off needs to be a priority.

aloris · 18/09/2023 01:14

This money that you would save up, whose name would it be in? You could potentially be in a vulnerable situation where, if you split from your partner, you would have nowhere to live, and no savings in your own name.

elliejjtiny · 18/09/2023 02:27

We were forced to do this while our house was being renovated. It was supposed to be 2 months but it turned into 7. Dh and I both really struggled and our 12 year old kept getting into trouble at school. It's been a few months since we moved back home and I struggle with going back to in-laws house to visit.

Lachimolala · 18/09/2023 03:50

I would do it for at least a year. Potentially two based on how it goes. Even if I wasn’t happy, I would stick it out especially as it’s likely the only way you’ll be able to pay off 15k in debt and save further funds for a deposit.

I would have the smallest bedroom for you and DP and turn the biggest one into a bedroom/living time thing. So bunk beds for the kids and a sofa/tv type room with toys in, kids could even nap in yours and DP bed during the day.

I would make it a priority to re-work financial habits as well. How did the debt accumulate? Because you don’t want that to happen again.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 18/09/2023 04:15

If you're getting further into debt rather than paying the debt off I don't see that you have a choice.

But honestly, get your DC into childcare and start working full time.

It will mean you have far less time in the house and are less likely to get upset/annoyed by them. You will also have a faster transition into having more money as soon as the DC are in school, and it will be better for your mortgage application.

But, most importantly, YOU'RE NOT MARRIED! Right now you have very few protections. If you break up you don't earn enough to financially support yourself.

Photio · 18/09/2023 04:34

If you're getting further into debt rather than paying the debt off I don't see that you have a choice.

^ This
You can't actually afford your current lifestyle.
From the figures you've given it doesn't sound like you'll be able to save enough for a house deposit unless you live with them for 3 years. But the focus has to be on getting this debt paid off or you'll never afford a house.

You're only other option is to improve your income by working more hours. I take it the in laws are working and can't help with childcare? Do you have any family around who can help with childcare?

Flatandhappy · 18/09/2023 04:57

I would say they will get fed up with you before you get fed up with them. They probably really want to help out their son but I don’t think anyone really enjoys sharing their space when they are used to being alone, especially with two small children involved. I wonder who suggested it first, them or your partner? I know if my son asked to move in with his family I couldn’t say no but boy would I hate it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 08:14

@Aquamarine1029 'you're obviously not aware' why the attitude 😂

I said 'ONLY IF they don't rack up debts' which makes it clear I do know there's an option not to. (Most people do tend to over spend on weddings though- as op and her partner have so many debts already I mentioned it)

Jamjaris · 31/12/2023 17:26

I would want to speak to in laws first about your fears and go for it, your debts paid and a deposit is a big step up

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 17:49

I’d do it. How else will you get debts cleared and buy your own place? I’ve rented for years and it’s rubbish

GreatGateauxsby · 31/12/2023 17:58

Su5677 · 17/09/2023 17:07

@Gazelda IL’s have agreed to us moving in. So we would pay £400 a month for two bedrooms and our own bathroom. This is all bills included and then we would buy our own food ect. In 12 months we would have 25k saved, we’d pay 15k of that to clear our debts and have 10k left. If we stayed another year (dp plan if all goes well) we’d save a further 25k and end up with around 35k in the bank and be debt free (that’s the idea anyway). I hope that makes more sense? In terms of salaries I work hours that are cost effective in terms of nursery. Obviously this will change when school comes around which would allow me to work full time (I’m currently studying to ensure I can get a higher paid job) Dp earns a decent wage but the rent in our area is a lot.

Edited

Personally I could put up with QUITE A LOT if this was a fixed time frame
eg 18m / 2 years.

But financial security / “the future” is important to me so it’s a strong driver

if you go for it you will have to do a lot of give and try and minimise the take. I.e. being in and around the house all day for 2-3 days a week is probably a no.
have daily errands to get out
Your kids are big enough to get out to church type playgroups those are all free or have minimal costs and your oldest will be in school soon.

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