'You have to tell me when you're walking on egg shells'

[beigevase]

I just want to clarify something.

I have separated from my ex husband who I feel is emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling.

He has left through his own choice after shouting at me after opening up to him as he has done many times before. He then doesn't speak to me for a few days. He then gets in touch and tells me it's over. I pack the things he asks for. He then decides he wants to come back.

I haven't let him back this time.

I have lived a long time of tip toeing around him. This stems from him shouting at me at my most vulnerable times. Pregnancy, the day before childbirth, a few days after childbirth. I also went through an incredibly low point where I had thoughts of serious self harm and his response was 'I don't need this right now, it's annoyed me to be honest' because I called him at work in a state of panic. When he got home I still had the same response. There also many other times too. If I tried to say no to anything etc etc

Anyway I've told him I am fed up living my life this way. He was trying to think of ways to fix it and here is his idea:

'When you feel like you're walking on egg shells, you need to tell me otherwise I don't have a clue I'm doing it'

Am I wrong to this is is absolutely ridiculous? How can you expect someone who has been scared of you to start telling them this? I very much doubt this would be advice a marriage counsellor would give (and no, we're not going to marriage counselling).

That's not taking ownership of his issue. He's basically not going to change, he's just putting extra pressure on my shoulders.

He's not coming back. I'm done. I've been firmer with him than ever before....which he hates. But I just wanted to get peoples views on this?

I'd say you are starting to see things clearly and the longer you are away from an abuser, the fog lifts and you see things more and more.

It's a common tactic. Not his fault, must be your fault. He's not responsible because he doesn't realise ...so you should tell him. Utter nonsense. I bet he's told you you're over sensitive before too.

Yes he has.

However in therapy my therapist also told me I am a highly sensitive person. I don't think I used to be this bad though.

I don't think im over sensitive when it comes to his silent treatment though.

I'm scared going forward and how I'll live my life if every little thing upsets me

This, the fog lifts. I had severe stockholm syndrome with my ex and its only as time goes on i see the extent of what he was up to. My manipulative abusive alcoholic dad put his problems on my mum too 'please dont let me drink again' 'if you see me drinking stop me'

being sensitive is not a bad thing - but it does make you an easy target for abusers like this assholes.

good news is - you dont need to tell him anything now. he chose to leave, now he gets to stay out.

I have to say - it is pretty badass move to just turn around and say "no, you're not coming back", I bet he hates it, I hope he chokes on the bile thinking about it!

Don't let him back, you have broken the cycle, good for you. Be happy. 💐

Being a sensitive person or a caring person or an empathetic person is, of course, not a bad thing but it can be a detriment to ourselves. I have worked on my boundaries and my people pleasing so much in the years since my marriage ended. I'm in a much healthier place now.

I'm interested in what you say about your therapy. How do you mean 'this bad'?

As you have more and more time away from him, you will be more 'you'. Not the tied in knots version of you.

Something that helped me..... do some small things that connect with who you are and make you remember that person before you met him. Walking in countryside, or music, or films, or knitting or cooking.... whatever it is.... ESPECIALLY if he put you down about it!

You will be so much better in time. Keep going.

He's being ridiculous and trying to make you take responsibility for his failings. It would only get worse if you took him back, so stay firm and strong. You can do this. And I suspect that you're not over sensitive at all, it's that living like this for so long you've had to learn to be this way to protect yourself, if you are "highly sensitive" I can easily see it being a learnt response. So I think that as time goes on and the further away you get from the relationship you'll find it easier to take things in your stride. You've made the first step and it was a big one, you're doing amazing x

You'll be a whole lot less 'sensitive' when you're properly away from his abuse I bet OP, when you're no longer walking on eggshells all the time and have started to heal. There's no such thing as 'over sensitive' anyway, you are allowed to feel however you feel and no one gets to tell you it's 'over' anything. Stay strong, keep him away and focus on yourself, you'll be a new woman before you know it

Could it be that you have developed hyper-vigilance in response to his control and overbearing behaviour? And that now, once the trigger is removed from your life, your nervous system will begin to regulate to a healthier, more relaxed state? We become sensitive to perceived threats in our environment, sensitivity is not necessarily an inherent trait.
Well done you, I'm really rooting for you.

If you change the word sensitive to vigilant and think of yourself as hyper vigilant that is a trauma response.

Being highly sensitive to your partner fluctuating moods is a survival technique. I think your therapist gave you a poor response.

It will reduce but likely never fully go away now. I am 14 years clear of my exH but I still have some hyper vigilant habits. My adult kids still do. We all use subtitles on the TV so we can hear footsteps upstairs for example.

Snap.

What I found is it's all redirection, there's always an excuse and that blame is put into you or left to you to fix.

This is what I had with my wife who was abusive, like nothing was ever easy going and yes you could say was over sensitive but it was more than that, it was just engrained to take everything as a slight and there needed to be conflict.

I'm quiet and easy going, I just wanted to live and get on with our lives, there's no need for drama or chaos, rage or silent treatment. Yet, every time it was put on me it was my fault all the time but I wasn't doing anything, I never shouted or got angry at anyone or anything. I was calm and understanding trying to communicate while being screamed at, being hit and blamed, gaslit and never ending silent treatment. I was trying to improve our lives while it was being sabotaged from within at every turn. Living every day on eggshells, what's going to come today.

It makes you doubt yourself, the constant side stepping, excuses and blame shifting where you think is it me...but I didn't do anything that warranted all that.

I've come to realize you cannot make someone behave in a certain way, their behavior is their own responsibility. I wouldn't treat anyone the way I was treated or behave in that way.

The end result is you become hyper vigilant, a knock on effect of living in fight or flight for years. Loud noises, unexpected sounds, living like a cat on alert listening for stuff in surroundings just in case, never quite at ease.

They do not take accountability ever, always someone else's fault or burden. They also sleep at night perfectly fine, which tells me a lot.

Shifting goal posts and you can't ever win.

Just to be clear, when I asked if the ex had accused @beigevase of being over sensitive...I didn't mean that she is or isn't. I mean that it's a tactic. Deflection from their behaviour onto your response.

But being a kind, sensitive person, a people pleaser or a fixer can mean that we have tendencies to end up in a codependent relationship. Putting our needs last is not a good thing and doesn't make us nicer. It comes at a great cost.

You’re absolutely not the problem here - don’t listen to any of his nonsense or try to understand or justify it - file it under shit my ex said and move on

Well....he finally gives me 'the ick' as they call it these days so I'm talking this as a good sign.

It was ds birthday party yesterday so we both had to be there which have him a great opportunity to worm his way back in which failed. I listened to him talk at me. Listened to him go on and on and on. He left and then asked me if he could come round for 'one last cuddle'. Just no.

I was never this sensitive before. I've always been shy, reserved, quiet and yes sensitive but not like this. It's what he done. It's the damage he's caused and I can see it. I'm already booked on to do the freedom programme next month as a group session.

For the first time ever, there is no part of me that wants him back. Ever

'You are the only one I've never cheated on' is another one I heard last night that I'll have to file away.

He was using that to probe that he actually loves me. I'm different from the rest apparently 🙄

The fog has finally lifted and you are seeing him for what he is. He will panic and try every tactic in the book to worm his way back in. When that fails, he will turn nasty. Be prepared for this, hold on to your strength and recognise it for the predictable pattern of behaviour that it is. You are amazing, stay strong.

Thank you. I've been there enough times with his nasty side. I know what's next. I'm prepared.

But my house is all mine. He can't get in. I'm safe. I can do this!

Well done you! Having therapy yourself + trying to investigate your own feelings, it ends up really showing up these type of men who have no desire to investigate their own behaviour + change, despite knowing it hurts you.
I also doubt you are naturally highly sensitive. Its a self defence mechanism. The words he said may not be hurtful in themselves, but its the context, the voice + the likely consequences that we get used to reading over time. My OH could simply groan at toys on the sofa or observe "oh I see the tidying up fairy hasn't been again" + I would react, leap up + tidy, knowing we were heading for a mood otherwise. You need a real break from his head space to find yourself again.
Good luck + stay strong!

Well done OP for having the strength to do this , I'm almost there .... it's heartening to hear from those who have had the courage to do it x

@beigevase
What ownership are you taking for your own issues. He is your husband; he is not your therapist. He has no more mental health training than do you.

If you were having having a mental or physical crisis , the sensible thing to do would be to reach out to a professional trained to deal with those issues. Assuming that he has no more skills than you and less first hand experience than you in dealing with your mental and emotional crisis than do you, you are blaming him for handling the situation in the way that perhaps his mental and emotional state moves him to do so. He too may feel vulnerable during those times.

If you have mental health issues that you alone cannot fix or control look for a therapist not a partner.

You can and should be able to expect some support from a partner, but it sounds as though your needs are frequent and your expectations may exceed the average untrained professional's capacity.

Realize that it would have taken less time to call a mental health hotline than it took to call your husband in the middle of his work day, and the possibility of receiving informed assistance was far greater than that which you would have received from your husband.

The real question is do you want to get better? At this point you are not seeking proper help resources, instead you are blaming a man with no skill or expertise because he cannot or perhaps no longer chooses to be supportive in the way that you deem to be sufficient.

At this point, you both may need professional help if you wish to remain together. Regardless of what you decide as a couple, it is up to you to get professional help that you seem to need.

Sending all my love. It's taken me 2 years to leave properly. But in that time, I've been in therapy, done course on things like self esteem etc, worked with woman's aid. I separated from him while I was still with him.

I have made many many posts on here over the years. All with different usernames as I used to panic he would find them. I've never ever had 1 person defend him. But I always went back because I just wasn't ready.

I always used to think to myself - if I was watching myself on a tv programme, I would be screaming at it for her to leave. But the reality is not that simple.

You know when the time is right. I quite simply don't love him anymore. He tried to cuddle me yesterday and it made my skin crawl. And I'm so thankful for that feeling.

I'm only a week down. He's been gone for 1 week but this time I am not beside myself wondering what to do. Wondering how to fix things. My head is clear - he's not coming back. I am absolutely exhausted from crying, I can barely keep my eyes open....but I'm currently sat here with my dc, the house is a mess.....my kids are laughing and having fun.... and it's just us. There is a sense of calm. I feel it and they do too I'm sure of it.

• I've been in therapy for a year and a half.
• I've worked with woman's aid
• I've done Claire's Law and found out many things about him that I didn't know. I've spoken to the police.
• I've joined a woman's charity group where I've been doing weekly sessions on self esteem, boundaries, anxiety and more.
• I've got tattoos to remind me that I am strong.
• I'm booked on to start the freedom programme.
• I've managed to get my own house and am completely fine financially. He is a gambling addict with nothing but debt

He is the reason I've needed to do all of the above. He is the problem.

Like your style, OP. Just be careful of making your sensitivity into a negative thing. It's not. It's a sensor better than most people's to others' poor behaviour. It only becomes a pain in anybody's ass (yours and theirs) when they cross your boundaries. It's like your boundaries were crossed lots, and so now, they have to shout extra loud to make sure you hear them.

Thank you. That makes perfect sense!

My boundaries have always been crossed - especially in the last week. They just don't matter to him at all. Yesterday he said I was way too sensitive. That a normal person can get upset over things but I take it over the top is what he was trying to say.

He also said everyone gets stressed, comparing our marriage to healthy marriages who 'bicker'. However this is not bickering.

We had issues with my step son (his son) a 8 weeks ago. I did absolutely everything I could to try improve things and help this certain situation. I couldn't have done anymore. None of the issue was my fault. However he still left, didn't speak to me for 3 days, told me the marriage was over and he was getting his own place. Packed his things. Then I let him back when he wanted too.

8 weeks later we are here again. This is just not normal behaviour anymore.

I once found out he was gambling behind my back. He fell out with me and again gave me the silent treatment because I had found out.

This is why I am super sensitive around him. It all makes sense to me now.