'You have to tell me when you're walking on egg shells'

[beigevase]

I just want to clarify something.

I have separated from my ex husband who I feel is emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling.

He has left through his own choice after shouting at me after opening up to him as he has done many times before. He then doesn't speak to me for a few days. He then gets in touch and tells me it's over. I pack the things he asks for. He then decides he wants to come back.

I haven't let him back this time.

I have lived a long time of tip toeing around him. This stems from him shouting at me at my most vulnerable times. Pregnancy, the day before childbirth, a few days after childbirth. I also went through an incredibly low point where I had thoughts of serious self harm and his response was 'I don't need this right now, it's annoyed me to be honest' because I called him at work in a state of panic. When he got home I still had the same response. There also many other times too. If I tried to say no to anything etc etc

Anyway I've told him I am fed up living my life this way. He was trying to think of ways to fix it and here is his idea:

'When you feel like you're walking on egg shells, you need to tell me otherwise I don't have a clue I'm doing it'

Am I wrong to this is is absolutely ridiculous? How can you expect someone who has been scared of you to start telling them this? I very much doubt this would be advice a marriage counsellor would give (and no, we're not going to marriage counselling).

That's not taking ownership of his issue. He's basically not going to change, he's just putting extra pressure on my shoulders.

He's not coming back. I'm done. I've been firmer with him than ever before....which he hates. But I just wanted to get peoples views on this?

@beigevase
Given all of the therapy that you have received, enough to identify him as the source of all of your problems, why then are you staying with him and expecting change from him?

With all of the insight that you have gained, what leads you to expect anything different from him?

Surely, you must realize by now that nothing within your relationship is going to change. What changes are you making. You cannot fix him, what changes beyond insight are you making to pur yourself in a better place,?

No offence but I don't know what the hell you are reading from my post.

I don't expect anything different from him. That's why he's gone.

He isn't going to change. That's why he's gone.

It's 100% crystal clear to me.

This isn't a post about wondering wether to take him back or not.

Being in an abusive relationship is a scary place to be. I've separated from him while being in the relationship. Everything I've done is for myself. Not for him or anyone else. He doesn't know I've actually done any of this therapy or anything else. I'm actually extremely glad to have done it the way I have. I can now leave a stronger person. I can leave without the heartache and needing therapy - I've already done it.

Yes there's a couple of things that I'm questioning still. There will be things I'll always wonder and question. There's still a long road to recovery but the torture is over. I've already been through that and healed from it with him in it. Now its over and I'm free.

@beigevase

My mistake. Celebrate your freedom and forget about him. Every thought devoted to him is wasted real estate in your heads.

I’m wondering if when your therapist said that you are highly sensitive she was meaning The Highly Sensitive Person as described by Elaine N Aron?

This is more about how your body processes external stimuli. An example would be if you go to a busy noisy restaurant, whereas others would be concentrating about the food and the conversation, you would be also conscious of nearby conversations, the movement of the waiters, the kitchen and toilet doors opening and closing and banging, everytime the front door opens and lets in a draft, the temperature, the smells, the volume of the music, and so on. So it really means that you can be overwhelmed easily by stuff the rest of the world hardly notices. There’s obviously more to it than the example I’ve given.

If you think this might be you I strongly recommend getting the book. I think you’ll find it interesting. It can be a good thing to be like this, you just need to know how to set boundaries so you don’t exhaust yourself.

I agree you have probably become more sensitive (in the usual sense) over time with your ex’s behaviour. I’ve also had therapy and had the scales fall from my eyes about my ex’s behaviour.

I would also recommend another book. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. This may answer some of the questions you say you still have.

Best of luck for the future.

It was a few months ago now that she said it. I will ask her about it in my next session.

She didn't really touch on it too much as she knows that I would automatically use it as a way to blame myself.

Thank you for the advice on the books I will definitely look into it. Especially the verbally abusive one

Were your boundaries overstepped or disrespected as a child, OP? Distant or distracted parents? Were you told that children should be seen and not heard?

Yes my childhood was a huge issue. Silent treatment was a huge part of growing up. My dad once didn't speak to me for 3 weeks over something stupid. He treated my mum appallingly. Made us all feel like we were worthless and he was a king because he provided. He was never there at anything important growing up, never interested in my day, never knew who my friends were etc etc.

They divorced after he had an affair when I was 25.

My mum isn't affectionate. She was also tolerating my dad. She regrets a lot of things now.

I was never hugged by either of them. Never told I was loved and never told what my good qualities were. Never told they were proud of me.

I became a huge people pleaser. I was as good as gold as a child. Always trying to do the right thing in order to get some sort of love from my parents.

It all makes sense.

No wonder you have 'enhanced sensitivity' after a childhood like that. I'm similarly sensitive... it's possible to find a happy, healthy relationship, and step 1 is walking away from unhealthy ones, without blaming yourself. Sounds like you're on the right path. Good luck

When you exist in a state of fight or flight, your brain actively looks for the next thing. In prehistoric times, this would be the mountain lion coming to eat you.

In that state you become hyper alert to everything. Every noise, every action, every knock at the door. Every tiny, inconsequential thing is a threat.

This floods the body with more fight or flight hormones. And each time you become more hyper vigilant. You’re in effect, an emotional hostage to your own mind.

When you feel it, you will notice you have a tendency to shrink, the elbows come in, knees together, the tendency is to make ourselves as small as possible.

Try instead to make yourself as big as possible, elbows out, head up, sit up straight, unclench your fists - this sends the signal to your brain you are not afraid and you don’t need to be.

Thank you. It does all make sense to me.

He also had an abusive childhood but in opposite way. Lots of physical violence. He used to say to me 'aren't you glad I'm not one that beats you up'

He has been violent to women in the past (didn't know when I married him) so I truly think he's proud of himself of not doing it to me. As said below I am also the only one he hasn't cheated on. He thinks he's a good husband for doing the bare minimum.

I'm glad there's a chance of happiness around the corner. I am absolutely not ready to meet anyone else. I need to heal and carry on working on myself before I do that but it's good to know it could be possible.

Right now the feeling of it just being me and the dc is pretty blissful!

He used to say to me 'aren't you glad I'm not one that beats you up

Wow. Anybody hailing themselves for that needs betting rid of.

Well done for not taking him back.

OP, I read the title of your thread and it made my blood run cold.

In that one sentence, I know what you've been through, and no one can imagine just how terrifying it is until it's actually happened to you. It happened to me. Word for word, your OP I could have written.

I, too, left him whilst with him, secretly stabilising and rebuilding myself until the last time he called me a c*nt (caught him stealing money from me) and he stormed out, blocking me....I didn't let him return either.

I'm so proud of you. So proud.

I know what "he's" like though. And please, please, don't let him in again. I know you have a hundred times before, just like I did. And you're fighting with yourself not to cave and let him back.

You are literally saving your life. Saving the lives of your DC, who will make healthier life decisions because they haven't grown up in an abusive household.

You are everything. To you, and to them. Don't ever look back x

Thank you, I'm ready for that peace ( and terrified). I've no idea tbh how things got to this, nor how difficult it would be to even contemplate getting out . I'm so exhausted and I need to rally the energy for what's about to come.
I'm so glad you've had support too x

Wow thank you for posting. I'm so sorry you have experienced this too. When you live with it for so long you just question absolutely everything - I had no idea what was right or wrong anymore. What was acceptable and what wasn't. Every single day feeling on edge - a lot of the time for for apparent reason but feeling it anyway all because of the times I had been shouted at for no reason.

Thank so much for your take on it. I have been here many times before. I won't be going back this time. It's different.

Tonight he sent me some pictures of us together and said he was thinking of the 'good times'. Firstly this is complete manipulation. Secondly it didn't work. I had no problem looking at the pictures. I felt absolutely nothing apart from thinking my hair looked nice and I should probably think about dying it darker again....😊

My feeling going forward is kind but strict. If I completely ignore him then the abuse will start which in turn will set me back. It's not worth it. I won't reply to his texts about us getting back together but when I need to contact him regarding anything else I will be polite - hellos, please, thank you etc.

As long as you are safe and aren't in any immediate danger then it's ok that you're not ready. I've had many many many posts on here before and most responses have simply been 'leave'. But it's not always that easy.

Use the fact that you know you need out of this relationship as your starting point and start mentally preparing yourself like you say. I had some free counselling with a local domestic abuse charity who i got in touch with. It's all very confidential. Read up on toxic relationships. Do as much as you can and then hopefully you will find yourself detaching from the relationship and from him. You begin to see them in a different light.

You can do it. It's scary but you can. I have this as my wallpaper on my phone at the moment. It's worded perfectly.

Thank you , I have been in touch with a charity and hoping that I'm almost there... it's so difficult to get my head out of the zone (especially when he is being "nice" (or civil) that's it's not a "fixable" relationship issue.