Row with DH...how to proceed

[didntseethat]

DH and I had crossed words yesterday morning over some small domestic issue.

I told him I was fed up of tidying up only to return to a room later to find he'd left stuff out and I then had to tidy up again.

He was very put out and said I am always criticising him. I explained it's very demoralising to tidy up on a loop!

Anyway we kissed and made up, and I thought it was down with.

I took DC out for the afternoon and when we came home he'd had a few drinks with friends. I noticed he was being quite snippy with his comments. Stuff others wouldn't necessarily notice but I certainly picked up on.

When his friends left I asked why he had done that. He claimed he hadn't knowingly done anything and then launched in to a character assassination of me. Apparently I am always moaning, which I find rich coming from him, and various other unrelated things.

I told him we would talk today as I don't want to argue while DC are in the house, and he's clearly had a drink. He then proceeded to follow me from room to room demanding I explain myself to him.

At that point I got angry and insisted he leave me alone.

He also kept ranting I was interrupting him speaking but it was in fact him doing it to me.

He then stomped off to the pub and left me to put our DC to bed alone.

This morning he's not talking to me!

I don't even know how to begin to unpick this.

He's generally a good, generous and decent husband but is prone to taking any perceived criticism badly.

I'm exhausted with it tbh. I have been a bit frazzled the last few days but don't think his behaviour is warranted

Sounds like he doesn’t like being told he’s not doing enough in the house or making a mess - do you do most of the housework and childcare and everything else?

I have been a SAHM for a while but am return to work this month.

He does do stuff around the house but not as much as he seems to think!

Our house is very today with the exception of his office which I feel says if all really!

He's generally a good, generous and decent husband

No he isn’t.

Sorry that is full of typos!

I know it sounds incredibly childish but I don't want to be the one to make the first move.

I feel I always make the first move to resolve any rows we nigh have and that give him the opportunity to be the "victim"..

I genuinely don't think I've done anything wrong here

He was vvv unreasonable to insist on having it out with you when he'd been drinking. Very.

But I think you were a bit unreasonable to insist on tidying up his mess immediately on returning to a room, and then blaming him for it. Did it need to be tidy that very moment? However, this is a small issue compared to him being extremely unreasonable

I agree @Mummy08m I did feel a bit unreasonable after our discussion in the morning. When he told me how he felt I listened and apologised and then explained the reason I was short with him.

He invited friends over and I cleaned the house in preparation for them while he watched our DC.

I had just finished the kitchen and then walked in and immediately left cupboard doors open and stuff on the side. I literally just said please can you put those away.

As a one off I'd be in the wrong but this is constant. Please put your used tissues in the bin, please let the dirty water out of the sink, please stop leaving your trainers in the middle of a room. It's grinding me down

All of this.

And coming from someone who struggles with tidying up I can tell you there is nothing worse (on the tidying subject) than not being able to relax in your own home for fear of someone coming in and criticising you for not immediately tidying up.

The way he behaved with his friends is a huge issue too.

I don't think either one of you can claim to be right or wrong but if you want to stay together you need to communicate

Oh ignore me you have added the context now that you were specifically tidying up for his freinds to come round, in which case I wouldn't expect him to leave a mess at the back of you.

He’s obviously not behaved in a loving or considerate way and he may well be trying to set himself up as “not to be bothered about this “ to keep the status quo of you doing everything even though you are going back to work. Keeping you in your place. Does he always behave like this when he’s been drinking, or with these friends?

If you suggested having marriage counselling or some kind of mediation between you to agree how to discuss things more constructively how would he react? Would that be a wake up call that he can’t play the victim in these situations or would he just try and manipulate it to appear even more the victim?

YANBU, he’s being nasty and immature. Agree with PP that in anticipation of you returning to work he wants to make it difficult and risky for you to ask for his fair contribution to housework.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to reach out and make everything ok.

Let him sulk. Just carry on as normal, bright and breezy

Then in a couple of days when back to normal present him with a list of chores he needs to do, including all the stuff he doesn’t do but should at the moment. Then leave him to it. If it doesn’t get done it doesn’t get done

We've had counselling in the past.

Neither of us clicked with the them so I did research and gave him a list of recommended counsellors to see which he'd prefer. That was two years ago. He never did a thing with the list.

When I've mentioned this previously he has (obviously) taken it badly and used if as an example of me criticising him.

It feels like I can't say anything unless it's something that shows him in a glowing light. Bloody ridiculous he's a middle aged man for goodness sake!

You either have to lower your standards or he ups his or this will eat away at you. My H is clean but messy , I'm tidy but don't dust skirting boards etc, it kind of balances out

What did you discuss in counselling? Or was it so bad you didn't get anything from it?

We had an awful counseler at first who made things worse but found another who was fab.

He made a point of how useful it is to use 'I' statements when discussing things, as this takes the criticism out of it and turns something into a discussion. I've found it a game changer tbh.

E g. "I feel that I tidy up more than you." I would appreciate more help from you to keep things tidy."

Every communication issue is about a dynamic between people, and seeing it as that rather than trying to be the right one or win, an argument really calms things down and takes our egos out of the equation.

Do you show your appreciation when he does things (and him to you)? Just little comments like "thsnk you for tidying up," etc. are helpful to vocalise mutual respect between you.

This certainly sounds like an issue that can be resolved between you with a few tweaks.

He's generally a good, generous and decent husband but is prone to taking any perceived criticism badly

He's generally a good, generous and decent husband but is prone to starting arguments when you question his disrespectful behaviour.

He's generally a good, generous and decent husband but is prone to making you suffer if you have any expectations of him with regards to housework, which he considers beneath him.

if he does so little, id be making a weekly chart and writing on daily what housework / parenting tasks youve done. Have a column for him too. At the end of the week he can see the difference in the columns.

have you discussed what housework and parenting will look like when you return to work?

I don't think he's adverse to doing housework, just to be fair to him. He does hoover etc. more than I do and without me asking.

It's just the leaving stuff EVERYWHERE. Papers, tissues, cupboard doors open. To the point we look like we've been burgled!

And the fact that whenever I say anything about it he acts like a a stroppy teenager

Don't apologise- he's behaved like a dick.

Stomping off to the pub because he was asked to tidy up before HIS friends came over?

Getting snippy with you over it, following you around interrupting and lecturing you - it's not on.

It sounds like he is anticipating your return to work , and that it will likely lead to an expectation that he do more housework. Call me paranoid, but I suspect he is trying to get ahead of that by making it VERY hard and unpleasant for you to ask him to contribute- so that you are discouraged from doing so again.

If someone throws a tantrum because they were asked to put away their own belongings and shut the cupboards- then it's just easier to do it yourself, isn't it? That's what men like this are counting on.

Don't let him pull this stunt. You are entitled to have a partner who contributes. Especially when you are back in the paid workforce.

Yes do counselling, but also have a meeting with him where you redistribute housework and childcare tasks in light of your return to work- make it fair and proportional to your time at home/paid work.

Don't let him get away with this crap.

There are so many manchilds in this life that moan because they're moaned at, but don't seem to understand that if they behaved reasonably in the first place there would be no need for the moan!

I'd ignore until he grows up and makes the first move tbh.

I’d leave a camera running in a particularly problematic room all day and then show it to him on fast forward: it starts with you tidying and then gets progressively messier as he leaves his shit everywhere.

Also: no more tidying while he “watches” the children. He cleans for his friends. He takes care of his children.

The stomping off behaviour isn't great, and I would honestly never defend the ridiculous 'men don't see mess' line which often crops up on here, but it's possible that what you consider a mess and what he considers a mess are quite different. If he generally pulls his weight and you are constantly complaining about very small things like a cupboard being open or something being left on the side, he may have a point tbh.

The storming off would be the last straw for me. And I couldn't live with someone who left cupboard doors open 😡 So glad I love on my own!

Just putting the tidying thing to one side because I'm aware everyone has different standards.

I'm most annoyed with his behaviour later in the day.

The passive aggressive sniping when we'd already resolved the issue, the following me from room to room when I was walking away and asking him to stop. The playing the victim when he has restarted something that was over. The refusal to discuss things like an adult.

I'm so annoyed but his double standards. Last week I said something rude to him, he called me out and said he wouldn't engage until I apologised. Which I thought was fair enough. I had been rude so I apologised and we lived on.

I've had no sniff of an apology for far worse behaviour and he's now trying to engage me in conversations which I'm ignoring. I will now be the bad guy for "dragging it out when I started it in the first place" because last night "he didn't know he was being rude"

Cupboards being left open is a sign of extreme laziness or inattention—upper cupboards being left open is actually dangerous (head injuries, look it up!) If the kids are so young that they need watching closely cupboards left open may also be dangerous in terms of the children’s safety.