Row with DH...how to proceed

[didntseethat]

DH and I had crossed words yesterday morning over some small domestic issue.

I told him I was fed up of tidying up only to return to a room later to find he'd left stuff out and I then had to tidy up again.

He was very put out and said I am always criticising him. I explained it's very demoralising to tidy up on a loop!

Anyway we kissed and made up, and I thought it was down with.

I took DC out for the afternoon and when we came home he'd had a few drinks with friends. I noticed he was being quite snippy with his comments. Stuff others wouldn't necessarily notice but I certainly picked up on.

When his friends left I asked why he had done that. He claimed he hadn't knowingly done anything and then launched in to a character assassination of me. Apparently I am always moaning, which I find rich coming from him, and various other unrelated things.

I told him we would talk today as I don't want to argue while DC are in the house, and he's clearly had a drink. He then proceeded to follow me from room to room demanding I explain myself to him.

At that point I got angry and insisted he leave me alone.

He also kept ranting I was interrupting him speaking but it was in fact him doing it to me.

He then stomped off to the pub and left me to put our DC to bed alone.

This morning he's not talking to me!

I don't even know how to begin to unpick this.

He's generally a good, generous and decent husband but is prone to taking any perceived criticism badly.

I'm exhausted with it tbh. I have been a bit frazzled the last few days but don't think his behaviour is warranted

I think boiling it down to simple binaries like rude/not rude is a mistake. Its childish and makes one of you the mommy or hall monitor rather than partners. I would tey calmly laying out the issue and asking him for solutions.

1. op is going back to work.
2. chores need to be done and not undone.
3. sniping, badgering, following from room to room, and the silent treatment are not OK (they are abusive but that is a big accusation to lob so save it until he refuses to give them up as tactics)
4. Everyone in the house , including children, need to pull their weight pleasantly. Everyone pucks up their snit rags, cleans the sink, takes care of common spaces.
5. if the idiot can’t hold his drink and manage common standards of courtesy he’d better become a tea totaler.

Well... he was being completely unreasonable for trying to have a sensible conversation while drunk.

But he's not being completely unreasonable for feeling sniped at. I couldn't bear someone to be on my back the whole time about tidiness.

I also don't see why you were tidying up for his friends. Presumably he didn't feel the need, so why did you? You and he would have been better going off and having some fun together with the children.

It sounds as if you've both got into entrenched positions and are now in the passive aggressive/silent treatment phase of things. This is not a good place to be. Tidiness and untidiness aren't moral issues - they're just ways that people are wired. If your relationship matters to both of you, you need to find a way to compromise on this.

I'm glad I live on my own so I can be as untidy as I like, without anyone tutting at me for it!

if he does so little, id be making a weekly chart and writing on daily what housework / parenting tasks youve done. Have a column for him too. At the end of the week he can see the difference in the columns

And whatever you do, don't do this. The temptation for him to write something rude in "his" column might be too great.

I told him I was fed up of tidying up only to return to a room later to find he'd left stuff out and I then had to tidy up again.

You don't have to tidy up after him, it's a choice. Let it build up to prove the point.

Don't say anything! My DH has a mental block with paperwork and just leaves it lying anywhere and never clears it away. He dies the same with leaving clothes on the floor. I just put all the paperwork into a plastic bag and shove it in a cupboard. I don't put it away neatly, just shove it all together in his tool cupboard. His problem if he can't find things later. I also just shove all his clothes on his side of the bed, clean/ dirty , however he left them.
Then I don't get wound up....if he leaves, tissues and shoes and anything else on the floor, shove them in a dustbin bag and put it in his car or a cupboard.

This might seem childish but when my husband asked why I did it, I said that if he cleared it up he would know where it was!

You tidied up for his friends coming over?? Then you took the DC out of the house in the period he had his mates over? Nope. He should tidy the house for his mates, and tbh he should have spent time with the DC that afternoon if you're a SAHM god you need some off/down time.

He's gaslighting you and he's bullying you with the motivation that if he kicks off like this, you'll keep your mouth shut in the future.

What a prick.

This.

He's not a good man.

Glad to read you are returning to work.

Are you happy?

Hard to believe you are.

Why were you tidying up because his friends were coming over?
They were his friends.

I wouldn't have bothered.

I feel that there is a degree of that to it. But I'm no pushover and will certainly stand my ground

Thank him for tidying up? Ye gods..........................................................

Your dh is terrible at communication: confrontational when drunk and sulky when sober. Yuck.

Separately, your tidiness thresholds are incompatible.

I'd think nothing of leaving some empty packaging on the kitchen side (say) when friends come round. (I do hate cupboard doors left open but I'm the exact height that would get a black eye from a corner). I often leave bedroom drawers half open if I've stuffed too many clothes to shut it. On weekends I leave my breakfast plate with crusts of toast on it on the dining table till it needs to be removed at lunchtime. Things like that.

If dh constantly hounded me about these things, or, God forbid, drew up a chart of housework he's done for the week (!!!) then...well...he wouldn't be my dh.

But I wouldn't confront him drunkenly, or sulk, or whatever. I just wouldn't have married him. Plenty of other nice men out there I could have dated instead.

You aren't compatible.