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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think it’s over

37 replies

ncforthepost · 17/09/2023 03:41

DH has always been someone who’s an idiot where drink is concerned. He can’t pace himself and will get stupidly drunk each time, rather than just have a few. He’s never given any cause for concern as such, more just an annoying teenager type drunk who goes on a bit daft.

More recently, he reacted angrily in the past when I asked him if he could stay at home to help me with our eldest as I was heavily pregnant with our second and struggling to walk, rather than go out. He caused that much of an angry scene (stomping about, bellowing) that he did indeed go out anyway, refusing to compromise and go but come home earlier. He was desperately sorry after that, so he said.

Tonight we’ve had a rare evening together and been to a concert and had a few drinks. He was absolutely fine one moment, the next out of nowhere, announces he’s leaving the concert for the train (we had an agreed way of getting home which wasn’t the train). He then ups for ages and just leaves me there, completely ruining the second half of the concert with me thinking he’d left.

He eventually returned but sat silently and sullenly (after dancing, singing and being tactile with me during the first part). On the way out, he insisted we needed to walk through an area I have no idea about (industrial type), slapped a car that beeped at him for being in the road and, because I told him he can’t do that in his job (PC), decided to then race off into the leaving crowd and leave me in the middle of nowhere, after a few drinks and low phone battery.

I stopped where I was as I could see a street sign for reference but he didn’t return, turn around or contact me. I ended up asking my DM to come and collect me as I had no idea where I was and worried about trying to navigate myself around an industrial area after a few drinks. We tried to ring DH a few times so he could get in too, despite me being quite angry at him by now, but he didn’t answer so we left the city as we had no idea where he’d gone.

DH’s dad (our childcare for the evening) was in touch with him and ended up paying for a taxi home for him which came to £80. When he got home, he completely ignored me but then eventually started telling me to F off, go f myself, pushed me in the chest and told me I’d stranded him and caused his dad a huge taxi bill. He then told me he wasn’t going out for a planned dinner with me and my ‘crank’ mother tomorrow or the rest of the ‘retards’ (some of my family).

I’ve sent him to sleep at his dad’s house as the other alternative I debated was calling his employer. I was genuinely really scared of him tonight, his eyes had just changed.

I haven’t been to sleep yet and just feel so sad and all over the place.

OP posts:
cantsleepwontcry · 17/09/2023 03:48

You realise that's abuse?

Leave him at his dads, you don't deserve to be treated like this

BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2023 03:54

god what a horrible horrible arsehole he is.

please don’t stay with this abusive vile man.

WeirdBarbie · 17/09/2023 04:15

He sounds absolutely vile.

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 17/09/2023 04:45

Please leave him. He does not have the right to bully, frighten, assault or insult you. Do you have any idea what prompted the switch that changed his mood at that moment? Text received, maybe. Or was it the tipping point of booze and nasty, horrible man?

Approaching · 17/09/2023 04:54

Sounds horrible. You should never, ever., be scared of your partner. There’s no excuse or apology that makes it ok. And, very clearly, he wanted you to feel scared tonight, he purposefully put you in to situations where you felt scared. That is 100% abuse.

I was going to speculate about the cause of his actions, but really that’s irrelevant. I’d happily report him to his employer, but sadly I wouldn’t expect them to do much.

Twingletree89 · 17/09/2023 05:25

I’m sorry you are having to go through this op. 💐

A lot of what you are describing is pretty grim behaviour (angry when asked to fulfil his share of responsibilities at home when you are heavily pregnant, hitting inanimate objects, leaving you half way through a concert or a journey home) but the minute a man put a hand to me and scared me and told me to FO then I would do just that. You cannot trust a man like that and you need to protect yourself and your dc.

You know yourself op that your dh is the only person who can fix this. It’s not your job. And atm, not only does he show no sign of doing so, his behaviour is escalating.

I am struck too by how many of your close family members are tolerating or enabling your dh’s behaviour. Why are you all pandering to him? Is it because he is under such stress in his job?

I think the statistics relating to alcoholism and DV in members of the police force are pretty frightening tbh. And most people drink to avoid something ; like current extreme ongoing stress or to forget past traumatic experiences. It’s not your job to
seek them out but you may find that there are support services available at your dh’s place of work dealing with addiction.

Your role in this op, as you know, is to set a boundary and draw a line in the sand. Remember that a boundary isn’t about your dh, it’s about YOU and what you are prepared to tolerate. And judging from your thread title, that line has now been crossed.

It’s very sad op but you shouldn’t have to tolerate that shitty behaviour from anyone, you deserve better, and your dc deserve a better role model than your dh tbh.

So yes you need to split and I don’t normally say that on Mumsnet. If your dh is serious about your relationship, then he can make the decision to get himself clean and make genuine amends, but that’s his choice, and you can take action. independently now and make your own choices too.

BlastedPimples · 17/09/2023 06:53

There is something very very wrong with your h.

It is not your job is stick around to find out how much worse his behaviour will get.

He is behaving like an abusive toerag.

It never ever gets better.

Please make arrangements for you and your dcs to be safe.

Guavafish1 · 17/09/2023 07:00

I'm sorry for you. So glad you know this has to end. He has not respect or love for you and your family.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 17/09/2023 07:01

This has to stop OP, and him leaving is the only way this will happen.

Don't put yourself and your children through this.

Unicorntastic · 17/09/2023 07:05

Is he alcoholic? The desperation to go out and the sudden change in his behaviour whilst you're out? You and your DC cant be around this.

ZekeZeke · 17/09/2023 07:07

Are you sure he isn't taking drugs?

etherealfae · 17/09/2023 07:12

and this man is a PC!!! how utterly unnerving... Please do right by yourself and your kids and leave, it only gets worse

ZebraD · 17/09/2023 07:13

He will say he is sorry and promise to change. Remember a leopard can’t change their spots! Leave him! He sounds horrific!

PhysioLim · 17/09/2023 07:15

You need to get yourself safe and away from this man. There’s something extra going on here, I’m not sure if it’s drugs or something else but his actions seems bizarre. Whatever it is, get yourself and kids to your mums, let him know it’s over and keep away from him.

Icequeen01 · 17/09/2023 07:17

This is awful Op, Please do report this to his employer. There are enough rotten apples in the police making it harder for those who are decent to do their job. He is abusive and assaulted you.

BHRK · 17/09/2023 07:22

Leave him, don’t accept his sorry excuses. Don’t make your children live with this awful man.
and report the alcohol dependence etc to his employer

LadyLolaRuben · 17/09/2023 07:22

I've experienced behaviour just like this when I was in a 2 year relationship that I eventually ended. I felt lonely during that time and could never look forward to events as I never knew how he'd behave and to what extent. Even during the event I was on high alert for an abrupt dramatic end. I always had a plan B like not drinking so I could drive myself home and having my own copy of the house key on me so I could get myself home. I was locked out one occasion all night.

Good on you for calling your mum and involving you DFIL. I stupidly tried to cover it up out of embarrassment, the pretence of which put even more pressure on me.

From my experience each event gets worse and they are never genuinely sorry - they wouldn't do it otherwise. They also gaslight you claiming you said or or did something to trigger it. On one occasion we were in a top restaurant laughing and joking and he just walked out leaving me with £258 bill alone on new years eve with no transport.

I hope sharing my experience helps. I wanted to just say to you leave as it will get worse; but its easier said than done when there's good times and normal life buffering these episodes. I do understand but if not last night another event which will be worse will eventually force you to call it a day.

DustyLee123 · 17/09/2023 07:24

Sounds like drugs.

moleeye · 17/09/2023 07:55

Agree, this sounds like drugs. I'm sorry OP but I would be leaving

ncforthepost · 17/09/2023 10:05

Thank you everyone for your replies and for those that have shared their own experiences.
He just cannot go out and be sociable without ruining everything or getting himself too drunk.

He messaged me this morning as if nothing had happened, asking if I was okay and the children and that he’d be home soon. He walked in, completely ignored me, then gave a half arsed sounding apology for ‘his part’ but is demanding to know why I won’t take any responsibility, why my DM and I didn’t wait around to try and find him and he behaved like he did because he was ‘upset’ (the pushing, abusive words etc). His excuse is he was too drunk.

He really doesn’t seem like he cares at all and I’ve seen him in a new light. I had an ex who would change with drink before him and I’m not prepared to do it again.

His dad is trying to excuse his behaviour, saying things like we’d both had a drink and emotions were running high, it might be best to just draw a line under it or try and talk about it and move on..
Part of his problem is he’s never had any consequences for his behaviour I don’t think. We’re nearly 30 and he still acts like it’s the first time he’s been able to have a legal drink.

I’ve had about 4 hours sleep, I can’t believe this is happening.

OP posts:
ncforthepost · 17/09/2023 10:09

He’s also annoyed that I’m upset about his initial leaving of me in the concert itself, where he told me he was off to get the train and left for ages.
Apparently I can’t be upset about that because he only went to the toilet and came back…

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 17/09/2023 10:14

This was his second time abusing you after having a drink.

The first time he apologises and you accepted it, boundary number 1 trampled, he's done it again, only worse and has half apologised but also blames you, boundary number 2 in the process of being pushed.

What do you think will happen next time? More abuse (he's already got physical), but he will take no responses 100% blame you for his behaviour and it will then be rinse and repeat for the future.

You can give him 2 choices. He bins the booze completely and you go to counselling together
Or
He leaves

user1492757084 · 17/09/2023 10:17

Your husband is suffering high stress it seems and is behaving in a very concerning way.
He should stay at his father's until he has sought help.
He needs to go for a medical checkup.

His employment need to know about the sudden change of temperament incase it is PTSD.
Could he have had a head knock?
Is he on any drugs?

It is a great worry for you.
Protect yourself and steer DH to help.

ProudThrilledHappy · 17/09/2023 10:21

I’m with the other posters who say it sounds like drugs. Disappearing off and coming back completely changed. The aggressive, erratic behaviours.

ncforthepost · 17/09/2023 10:28

Re. His job, he moved from the 999 answering response policing a long time ago and has a fairly steady department now where the most he deals with is the odd neighbour dispute, ASB, community type issues.
He’s never been on any drugs to my knowledge but it’s really concerning as you’re all saying.

He’s supposed to be going on a trip away to Spain with 5 of his friends in a couple of months whilst I stay at home and look after the children. I think that needs to be shelved too.

OP posts: