I think it’s over

[ncforthepost]

DH has always been someone who’s an idiot where drink is concerned. He can’t pace himself and will get stupidly drunk each time, rather than just have a few. He’s never given any cause for concern as such, more just an annoying teenager type drunk who goes on a bit daft.

More recently, he reacted angrily in the past when I asked him if he could stay at home to help me with our eldest as I was heavily pregnant with our second and struggling to walk, rather than go out. He caused that much of an angry scene (stomping about, bellowing) that he did indeed go out anyway, refusing to compromise and go but come home earlier. He was desperately sorry after that, so he said.

Tonight we’ve had a rare evening together and been to a concert and had a few drinks. He was absolutely fine one moment, the next out of nowhere, announces he’s leaving the concert for the train (we had an agreed way of getting home which wasn’t the train). He then ups for ages and just leaves me there, completely ruining the second half of the concert with me thinking he’d left.

He eventually returned but sat silently and sullenly (after dancing, singing and being tactile with me during the first part). On the way out, he insisted we needed to walk through an area I have no idea about (industrial type), slapped a car that beeped at him for being in the road and, because I told him he can’t do that in his job (PC), decided to then race off into the leaving crowd and leave me in the middle of nowhere, after a few drinks and low phone battery.

I stopped where I was as I could see a street sign for reference but he didn’t return, turn around or contact me. I ended up asking my DM to come and collect me as I had no idea where I was and worried about trying to navigate myself around an industrial area after a few drinks. We tried to ring DH a few times so he could get in too, despite me being quite angry at him by now, but he didn’t answer so we left the city as we had no idea where he’d gone.

DH’s dad (our childcare for the evening) was in touch with him and ended up paying for a taxi home for him which came to £80. When he got home, he completely ignored me but then eventually started telling me to F off, go f myself, pushed me in the chest and told me I’d stranded him and caused his dad a huge taxi bill. He then told me he wasn’t going out for a planned dinner with me and my ‘crank’ mother tomorrow or the rest of the ‘retards’ (some of my family).

I’ve sent him to sleep at his dad’s house as the other alternative I debated was calling his employer. I was genuinely really scared of him tonight, his eyes had just changed.

I haven’t been to sleep yet and just feel so sad and all over the place.

Only you know what you're prepared to put up with OP

I wouldn't be with him in a few months time to care whether he goes on holiday with his mates or not - this behaviour would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

My STBXH ended up like this when he drank, it wasn’t that he drank regularly but he didn’t seem to recognise when to stop and latterly when he drank it was like a switch in personality and he became full of anger.
I excused it a few times, because “he was drunk” and we’d been married over 10 years, had family, I’m not perfect etc but then he had a drink one weekend at home and our kids had to hear it.
I then issued an ultimatum that the drinking to excess stopped or I would leave to protect the children, and he choose drinking 🤷‍♀️
life is much more peaceful now.

He left for ages - so he could have gone to score.

@Oopsididntdoitsgain Thank you for sharing your experience. I‘m glad your life has peace to it now and you don’t have to keep dealing with that behaviour, it really isn’t fair.

He came with all the, he would stop drinking or try and limit himself last night but then this morning said he wouldn’t be going out to a place where everyone else is drinking and not drink and refused to commit to not going to Benidorm, which was a trip rooted in alcohol. I guess that’s my answer. It’s quite saddening at nigh on 30, if you can’t think of any other way to see your friends than drinking.

I told him I want space but I just don’t know what to do now or next.

The thing is, he doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviour.

His mates are going to Benidorm, of course he's going with them. They're drinking, of course he's going to be drinking with them. He doesn't see any reason why he shouldn't.

As I said earlier, only you know what you're prepared to put up with. But as you know, this is not normal behaviour within a relationship.

what would you say to a friend who said my dh has always been a bit of a prat after alcohol but this seems to have changed and after one night where he was verbally abusive this time he abandoned me pregnant in an unknown area, wasn't contactable and then PUSHED ME in the resulting row and has stated this morning I need to own my part in it?

If you want a relationship where you're not walking on eggshells then he's not the man for you. You need to feel secure, you never will with him. If you think his behaviour won't impact your children , you're wrong. I'm not saying just kick him out but you need to be very clear that you will not tolerate being treated like that again. Tell him he has to stop drinking completely or leave because he clearly cant moderate his consumption and he has already crossed the line into abuse.You and your children deserve better

Thank you for your input.

I set my boundaries with him (yes, I sound weak but it’s so hard, even with shitty behaviour, to not waver, my parents divorced when I was little and I hate the idea of that for the children, I feel a failure). I told him if he’s sorry and wants to change his alcohol relationship as he says, he won’t go to Benidorm.

He told me it was too early to decide that, he isn’t going to make a decision, it wouldn’t impact me anyway because I’m not there and then started trying to spin the, I’m trying to control him line. I put him on the spot, rightly or wrongly, and told him he is free to go but my boundary is, I wouldn’t be staying with him. He still just said, I don’t know and that he’s been looking forward to it.

I could talk until I’m blue in the face about how causing so much deep hurt and abusive behaviour to someone through drink, isn’t going to go away and how disrespectful it would then be to say you’re going to stop drinking, yet go on an alcohol fuelled trip.

I’ve told him to go to his dad’s from tomorrow. Heartbroken and don’t have a clue what to do now. How little worth you have when someone values alcohol for a few days with friends over your marriage and children.

Well done for setting your boundaries.

He’s way too volatile to be around and to have around children.

OP I'm so sorry. I don't know how you've lasted this long. I was with some around 5 years ago who enjoyed binge drinking. Left me in town when he was drunk and wanted to continue the party, left me in bars you name it I have been there. He also would call his ex drunk and then she would message me to tell me via social media. He would wet the bed. No matter what I did or tried to do he wouldn't stop.

Thank GOODNESS I ended that relationship, got therapy and went on to live my life.

My father was also alcohol dependent for 2 almost 3 decades and wasn't a nice man on it. Then he had a scare last year and my dad being the paranoid man that he is gave up cold turkey. It's been a year and he never looked back. What a different man he is.

I hope you have the strength to leave, although hard as it may be. You sound like a lovely person and don't deserve this life for yourself.

I think you are just in a bit of shock. Anyone would find it hard to just overnight end a marriage over one incident (albeit there have been other smaller incidents) I think it’s a ticking time bomb when you get to this point. I feel women tend to heal the end of a relationship while they are in it. Perhaps this is your healing time and if he pushes you and doesn’t change you will get to the splitting up point later down the line. Just don’t bend your boundaries too much in the meantime, you need to be safe and look after yourself. Also, while you don’t want your children to come from a broken home, please dont think it is any better seeing someone who cannot behave while in drink.

Gosh OP, I divorced a drinker, and identified so much with your OP - that feeling of never feeling quite 'safe', dreading social things, even family weddings, because of the drinking.

I stayed too long, but my life is so much better now to you. You are entitled to your boundary, hold on to that.