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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with an addict

27 replies

DarkChocolateMint · 16/09/2023 21:56

My OH has decided he wants to attend CA meetings.

Has not attended yet.....!

Debt has been paid of multiple times now and he has been gambling to try to recoup losses.

I want to be supportive as a wife and as he is the father of my kids.

I do not and have not ever used drugs. I HATE the misery they cause.

He does not do it daily but is a problem user and finds it hard to say no when offered it.

Has anyone made it through an addiction or been in a relationship with someone who had an addiction?

I dont know if he is strong enough to overcome this honestly and I want to be supportive but I am not sure how much I can take.

I didnt know what was worse when he was caught doing things he shouldnt be.... silly mistakes I kept forgiving vs an addiction which just feels so overwhelming.

Kids are more than ok and totally safe.

He works long hours.

I feel like everywhere I turn in life Cocaine is there!! Its rife where I live, feels like everyone takes it and its just accepted.

Its horrific and I just dont know what to do.

I dont want to cast him aside but I get worried if i leave i would obviously HAVE to hand my kid over to him for access and it would kill me because I wouldnt know what he was up to.

Please be kind.

I have a really great job and a really nice life because I work very hard as does he. We have everything and way more than the average person.

I just dont get it. 💔

OP posts:
Forgotmylogindetails · 16/09/2023 22:29

I could have written this.

eventually I left and it was the best thing I ever did x

good luck whatever path you choose x

Original poster
DarkChocolateMint · 16/09/2023 22:37

Do you have kids if you dont mind me asking? Im so worried about the thought of handing them over incase he has a debt to pay and something happens.

Ive had people at my door before.

Did you feel guilty? Sorry for all the Q's, I want to help but I can only take so much.

I feel like an enabler sometimes! ... but its frightening xx

OP posts:
Forgotmylogindetails · 16/09/2023 22:43

Don’t apologise.

yes 4 from 21 to 9 I was an enabler , I paid debts worked my arse off soothed the come downs , lied to my kids.

wasn’t until one of them pointed out they knew what Was going on even though I’d convinced myself they didn’t.

trust me it’s hard leaving but it’s harder waiting for the next time x

Original poster
DarkChocolateMint · 16/09/2023 22:51

My family paid the last debt against my will through fear for my safety and the kids.

I just dont want to hand my kids over but then again I dont want their dad to die!

Its so hard.

Thank you for talking to me xx

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 16/09/2023 22:58

Has he considered attending NA meetings?

Forgotmylogindetails · 16/09/2023 22:58

What do you mean hand your kids over ?

OhcantthInkofaname · 16/09/2023 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Levithecat · 16/09/2023 23:16

Yes. I left alcoholic exH in 2021 after 18years together, and divorced last year. Two primary age children. He had a history of hiding / lying, including debt. He drank in secret for 7 years - I am not stupid but addicts will do anything to protect their continued use, and while they do they also convince themselves they’re protecting their family. Worth reading books on codependency.

exDH was not allowed to have kids unsupervised to begin with but after nearly a year of monthly blood tests to prove sobriety he now has 50/50. It’s been hard but the only thing that really motivated him to seek help was the complete breakdown of the marriage and not having the kids.

larlypops · 16/09/2023 23:19

My brother was a functioning addict whether it was drugs, alcohol or gambling, 17 years later he finally quit drugs and can go without alcohol for months but the second he has a sip he won’t stop all night.
Is his addiction caused by trauma? My brothers was and along side meetings needed therapy

Also just to add I myself told my sister in law to kick him out, he had people after him for drug money, didn’t know what happened most evenings yet would get up and go to work the next day. One time he was found strangling himself over a fence because he couldn’t lift his head, one time two guys kicked his door down and beat him with a baseball bat and another he dropped the kids to school on a Saturday and that’s when I found out as social contacted me, until he sorts himself out and could be completely trusted definitely wouldn’t have unsupervised visits.

raven0007 · 16/09/2023 23:25

I was with an alcoholic for years, we have children. We did detox, we went to meetings. Things only changed when I said we were over.
He went to rehab, he turned his life around and became the best father, we never got back together though, too much had happened for me to forget.
It's been ten years since he last had alcohol, although he's now ill due to the life style he led, and will never get better.

CheekyHobson · 17/09/2023 02:47

If your partner is a problem drug user, not in treatment, who keeps building up debts with people who are scary enough that your family are paying off the debts, I would say you have a good legal argument for 100 percent custody.

kidsonthemoon · 17/09/2023 04:17

If things are this bad, and I'm certainly not saying you are a liar, I would go for 100% custody. Courts look to protect the children who are the innocents in this.
I get it you don't want him to die, but could you live with yourself because something happened to your kids because of a problem he caused. Time to put yourself and your kids first. He's an adult and is ultimately responsible for the consequences of his behaviour. Bringing up kids in a home where there is drug abuse is unbelievably damaging, don't think they don't or won't ever understand what's going on, they will.

BeethovenNinth · 17/09/2023 04:20

Leave - tomorrow.

Georgie743 · 17/09/2023 04:25

I spent ten years with an addict. Ten years too long.
The best advice I can give you is to call it quits. You don't owe an addict your wellbeing and your children's wellbeing.

Levithecat · 17/09/2023 08:46

He will not get unsupervised access to your children if he’s in any way a risk to them, so if it’s that that is keeping you there then get some legal advice and do what’s best for you and your children. The pressure I was under to keep everyone ‘ok’ and vaguely happy was immense and very damaging for me, and in the end it just enabled his continued use of alcohol - I was sustaining an environment where he could drink without everything falling apart.

I would also say, your children will be impacted by everything that’s happening no matter how hard you work to make things ok for them (and maybe that in itself is damaging). It broke my heart to realise that. Living alone with the kids has been amazing and so peaceful and fun.

Rainraingoawaycomebackanotherday · 17/09/2023 08:48

Living with an addict as a child means you’re more likely to have addiction issues yourself when your older.

Original poster
DarkChocolateMint · 17/09/2023 08:59

cassiatwenty · 16/09/2023 22:58

Has he considered attending NA meetings?

Yes he brought the subject up that he wants to.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkChocolateMint · 17/09/2023 09:02

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
turkeyboots · 17/09/2023 09:04

Nar Alon appears to be the drugs version of Al Anon, support for families of drug users. They may help you, but you should also leave him.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 17/09/2023 09:11

I don't have the experience to advise you but I just wanted to tell you, it's not everywhere at all. That's how it feels to you which makes me quite sad. I have some rambunctious friends, but we're all happy with a few beers or drinks if we go out. But no one is forced and if someone doesn't drink that's absolutely not a problem - who actually cares? . I come from an abusive alcoholic parent, and I've suffered immensely due to that addiction. I don't want you or possible children to suffer so am sending you strength and solidarity 💖.

Your gut may be telling you things you're not quite ready to hear.

cloudchaos · 17/09/2023 09:15

You can't fix this for him @DarkChocolateMint he can only do this himself. I would suggest NA meetings and tell him to leave till he sorts himself out. My DH abused drugs for years and I had no idea. Once I found out I kicked him out, he went to rehab and turned his life around. We had counselling and he's been clean for 5 years now and a good father. He still goes to NA every week. A lot of people need to hit rock bottom to make a change and he can't do that with you fixing all the problems for him. Make him stand on his own two feet and get on with your life, you might just scare him enough to sort himself out, but if not, you will be ok x

Lsurawsura · 17/09/2023 12:01

My ex chose drugs over me. I don't take drugs and he could afford it and maintain work, but he took a lot. He was, genuinely, really fun to be around most of the time. But then something very bad happened in my life and I really needed him and he prioritised cocaine over me and he really wasn't there to support me. And, crucially, he wasn't in a mental place to quit. As soon as I asked him to chose between me and drugs he was gone.I had actually posted about it and everyone said "leave him". I should have listened.

Marleymoo22 · 17/09/2023 12:03

I discovered a few weeks ago my partners possibly smoking crack. I had suspicions right back in March. Thought it was coke. I love him to death but I'm currently trying to figure out if he's capable of stopping. His finances are now a problem as he's lost his job and rents due Tuesday. He lives alone. Lovely guy in many ways. But he's got a very addictive personality. He no longer drinks. I think a friend got him on it last summer.

Lsurawsura · 17/09/2023 12:07

I think the person using has to want to stop. I also don't think you owe it to a husband/partner to stay if they're abusing drugs.
Even if they say they want to get clean - and that's great - you don't have to maintain a relationship while they do.
You can - but you don't have to.
Think of yourself and your children.

H112 · 17/09/2023 12:19

My ex was an addict. I didnt even know. He conned me.. his friends.. his family.. his own mam.. all they do is lie.