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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Message to the OW

117 replies

DiddlyDonut · 16/09/2023 20:37

I know I shouldn't and I won't get the closure I need but I've written a letter to the 'OW' (his ex. How funny). I want to hit 'send'. I haven't yet. I want to give her all the little details that would hurt her. To get in her head and ensure she feels anxious and restless like she's done to me. She knew full well all about me, that me and partner have a baby etc etc but she just wouldn't stop contacting him. Then it happened. I know he is to blame too, but what woman does that to another, knowing and apparently taking great delight in the pain they've caused me. Apparently she has 'won' 😒

Has anyone here ever written to the OW? If so, how did it go?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 16/09/2023 20:38

I wouldn't do it OP.

Keep your head held high and let her "win". He's no prize anyway.

fgsstopbs · 16/09/2023 20:40

Don't send it OP.

Take your anger out on your ex.

TGGreen · 16/09/2023 20:41

Don't do it.
She may think she's won but what a shitty prize. She'll never know peace and he is where your anger should be directed.

Mouseflap · 16/09/2023 20:41

Nah don't do it, some women take pleasure in feeling like they've 'won' (even though they haven't as a man who cheats is no prize). Saying nothing and being dignified will have more of an impact on them both and also save you the emotional toll of giving them any sort of sick satisfaction. Writing can be useful though, just don't send/post!

anybloodyname · 16/09/2023 20:42

Rise above ! Maintain your dignity and surround yourself with those that love you

Celebrate the fact that this low life is no longer your problem

🎉🎉🎉

Susieb2023 · 16/09/2023 20:42

Do not do it. Don’t feed the beast.

Head held high and move on.

Neither of them are worth it and he is no ‘prize’, she’ll find that out in due time.

AutumnalEquinox · 16/09/2023 20:43

She’s won what? She’s won a shit prize. She thinks she’s quids in because the arcade machine spewed out hundreds of tickets, but when she cashes them in, she’ll get a sticky pile of shite that most bin on the way out.

He’s not a man worth having.

Let her be happy for a moment with her cheating, lying, booby prize.

minieggsandmaltesers · 16/09/2023 20:44

My Ex H has done this. He has a FWB thing with her now. She is his ex before me and I see her around a lot.
I've blocked her on all socials.
I make a point of ignoring her at events and breezing past.
I make sure I look my best when I know she will be there and I ensure I look like I'm having fun.
I hate her but won't rise to it or interact in any way. If she wants to let herself be used by him then crack on love and be cheap.
I wouldn't send it in your situation. There are better ways.

MrsMous · 16/09/2023 20:47

She didn’t win, she just took home the trash - you are better without him. She’ll find out - you lose ‘em the way you get ‘em, he will move on to another woman when this fizzles out and she will know them how you felt.

Ceebeegee · 16/09/2023 20:49

Don't do it.

Write it all down. And then burn it.

But don't ever send it.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 16/09/2023 20:49

Don't do it, keep your dignity.
If the urge to hit send is getting to you, cut and paste the message on here, get it off your chest.
Then walk away with your head held high ❤️

LastHives · 16/09/2023 20:51

She won't believe you and you are wasting your time. Concentrate on living your best life.

CorylusAgain · 16/09/2023 20:54

I want to give her all the little details that would hurt her. To get in her head and ensure she feels anxious and restless like she's done to me

  1. There is nothing you could tell her would hurt her as you've been hurt.

  2. Your partner was the source of your pain not her. I'm not condoning her actions. But you only hurt because your partner broke his commitment to you.

Get advice and support on here but don't engage with OW Flowers

VeridicalVagabond · 16/09/2023 20:54

Don't do it. If you do it you're just adding credence to her weird idea that she's somehow defeated you. Showing her your wounds lets her know she's wounded you, it won't have the impact I think you think it will.

Indifference is more impactful than rage when someone has actively tried to hurt you and enjoyed it.

I'm sorry for what has happened.

defi · 16/09/2023 20:55

No you're the winner here. She's now landed herself a liar and a cheat

User56785 · 16/09/2023 20:55

It might not hurt her You are assuming that she wants what you had. A monogamous relationship with your husband. A home, a car, a baby. That might not be her interest at all.

I know someone who,was the other woman and she enjoyed that because she didn't want a relationship where she was talking about defrosting the freezer or whose mother to visit on Boxing Day.

You couldn't have 'got in her head' by telling her that he slept with you on August Bank holiday weekend because she wouldn't care. Not everyone wants the same thing from a relationship.

CutiePatooties · 16/09/2023 20:56

VeridicalVagabond · 16/09/2023 20:54

Don't do it. If you do it you're just adding credence to her weird idea that she's somehow defeated you. Showing her your wounds lets her know she's wounded you, it won't have the impact I think you think it will.

Indifference is more impactful than rage when someone has actively tried to hurt you and enjoyed it.

I'm sorry for what has happened.

Couldn’t agree with this more! Don’t send it!!

Spottywombat · 16/09/2023 20:57

Your DH made a choice.

MidnightOnceMore · 16/09/2023 20:59

Don't do it, you're just going to show your own hurt.

Find a friend to confide in instead and block the OW on everything do you're not tempted.

Opentooffers · 16/09/2023 21:01

She's his ex now by what you say, so she hasn't won, so what's the point? If it wasn't her, it would of been someone else. Best thing to do is show them that you can be happy in life without them.

CornishGem1975 · 16/09/2023 21:02

It's pointless. You won't factor in OWs life. She's doesn't think about you.

CheekyHobson · 16/09/2023 21:04

If someone has clearly shown you they don't care about your feelings, you will make no impact on them by revealing more of your feelings.

The likely result of you emailing her will be for her to escalate her own attempts to hurt you and justify herself by messaging you things that will only make you feel worse.

You can't stop yourself from feeling hurt by the callous way she and your ex have behaved - and your feelings are valid. But you can decide that you won't expose your feelings to them in a way that may allow them to hurt you further with further callousness towards you.

Revealing your feelings is an intimate act that you should reserve only for those who can be trusted to treat those feelings kindly. People who don't treat your feelings kindly do not get the privilege of knowing how you actually feel.

Cut off contact with her and your ex as much as possible and do not give either of them the satisfaction of knowing they can affect you emotionally.

Mysteriousflo · 16/09/2023 21:17

what @CheekyHobson said
i didn’t message and was so glad I didn’t in the end
but part of the reason I didn’t is because I knew someone who did, and the OW sent a horrific response back. Really nasty, with sordid details.
don’t give her the satisfaction

Sazza26xx · 16/09/2023 21:26

I wouldn't message, she's not worth your time or energy and nor is he, move on find someone who loves and respects you x

Bored1000 · 16/09/2023 21:26

She didn’t win, she just took home the trash - you are better without him. She’ll find out - you lose ‘em the way you get ‘em, he will move on to another woman when this fizzles out and she will know them how you felt.

Agree with the above, if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else, you should be thanking her for showing you what he was really like, you are better off without him, the best revenge is showing them both you are happy and thriving so focus on that.
Don’t let your mind be consumed with hatred because then they really will have destroyed your life.