Message to the OW

[DiddlyDonut]

I know I shouldn't and I won't get the closure I need but I've written a letter to the 'OW' (his ex. How funny). I want to hit 'send'. I haven't yet. I want to give her all the little details that would hurt her. To get in her head and ensure she feels anxious and restless like she's done to me. She knew full well all about me, that me and partner have a baby etc etc but she just wouldn't stop contacting him. Then it happened. I know he is to blame too, but what woman does that to another, knowing and apparently taking great delight in the pain they've caused me. Apparently she has 'won' 😒

Has anyone here ever written to the OW? If so, how did it go?

This.
My exhusband left me for a 17 year old when he and I were 32. I was devastated and bloody angry. Twenty seven years later she has divorced him.He has left her in far worse financial shit than he was able to leave me ( not so high up in accountancy when he left me. Fewer opportunities to syphon off other people's money). She has lost the marital home to pay off his debts. Her legal bills are eye watering.The funniest thing for me was when she moaned to my ,now adult, children that she was being left to bring up their teenage child whilst he was out shagging other women. Yes it's pretty shit but she didn't seem to mind when she was the one he was shagging and I was bringing up the 2 tiny children he had left behind. Watch and wait Op.Make a plan and focus on making your life the best it can be. If my first husband hadn't left I wouldn't have the fabulous life I have now. The OW won't believe anything you say. My exhusbands second wife believed all his lies. She only realised a few weeks ago that I had divorced him. He told her I was so mentally ill he'd had to divorce me. Focus on yourself. The trash took itself out.

Take your anger out on your ex.

When you're really upset and angry about something, there's a natural desire to want to take out that anger on the subject of your rage by yelling at them, trying to hurt them with words, trying to show them how badly they've hurt you, or by taking some kind of revenge like broadcasting their betrayal or even damaging things they value (keying their car, etc) so they are also suffering.

But this actually often ends up being a waste of our time, headspace and energy, as the people who hurt us are often indifferent to our suffering, and your words just bounce off without making the hoped-for impact. Sometimes they will lash out in return and then you end up feeling even worse, and still 'unsatisfied'. If you stoop to damaging things they value, you put yourself at risk of legal problems.

A better strategy is called 'sublimation', which is where you take all the angry energy and pour it into something that benefits you rather than hurts them.

I am pretty sure almost all fiction is written as a sublimation of feelings that the author was unable to get satisfactorily resolved in real life ... likewise a lot of music and great art!

But you don't have to turn to creativity to sublimate anger... every time you feel yourself ruminating on your feelings and getting wound up, you can put on your running shoes or go to the gym and burn off the anger while earning yourself a 'revenge body'. You can furiously clean your house while you internally rant and at the end of it you have a lovely clean house and also feel somewhat 'emotionally cleansed'. You can look at how much money you were investing in the relationship and if there's some spare now, you can take that extra cash and buy yourself a new outfit that makes you feel great (bonus points if they would hate it) or a massage session. Invest in yourself rather than in them.

There are lots of healthy ways to process anger that don't involve letting go of your dignity and ranting at someone or undertaking an act of revenge that might just backfire on you, even if they thoroughly 'deserve it'.

@DiddlyDonut what about waiting ?

I sent it and felt a lot better for it

Keep your dignity. You've written it and maybe that was cathartic, but you will gain absolutely nothing by sending it.

She owes you nothing. Direct your anger at your awful ex.

I've been there and still ruminate should I send a letter? Should I just turn up where she works? Tell her what I think? Tell her colleagues what a cow she was, what a bitch. But as everyone on here has said it's misplaced anger. She doesn't give a jot about you, never has, never will. Take on board what "CheekyHobson" said and use your anger constructively. I'm wishing a large dose of Karma on her in my case!

Okay, I will put my head on the chopping block. I was the OW and the wife contacted me. I replied, told her to speak to her husband, deleted it and moved on. It’s harsh, but during the affair I didn’t think about her. I didn’t know her. Sending the OW a letter might make you feel better but she’s unlikely to care.

but why be the other woman especially if you know the partner is having an affair ?

The pair of them have treated you like shit.

However the fact remains that he is the father of your child and will be entitled to custody- potentially with his OW on the scene.
You are tied to this man through your child to some extent and as uncomfortable as it might feel, the best outcome for your child is some sort of amicable Co parenting agreement.

Keep the moral high ground here.
Dont make any decisions when you’re in this heightened emotional state.

Im so sorry ❤️

Exactly this.

She knew the man because he's her ex, she knew who he was and that he could leave. Nothing you can say will change the delusion she is under right now.

She knew you existed and decided your pain was worth it. Nothing you can say will make her think you had more right to exist with this man than she does.

I'm so sorry that he's caused you this pain but consider yourself lucky. He showed you who he was when you hadn't wasted years on him. Good luck to them. The best revenge you can have on them is moving on living happily ever after. So, if you were just given the opportunity to stop dragging a 12 stone bag of crap around with you, what would you do with your life?

Good for you and after 27 years she's no longer a kid so if relations are frosty that's sad and she should know better than to complain to you but of course a 17 year old believed what a 32 year old said. He's basically a groomer 🤮 poor her that she lost all of the time she could have been having a happy life with someone her own age to your gross ex. I sincerely hope she gets the happiness you've found so her children understand what healthy relationships look like too 🤞

How lovely that you were able to “move on” with someone else’s husband without giving a thought to another person’s feelings.

Im not sure why you felt the need to share that so bluntly with a woman who is clearly devastated by her husband’s affair.

Have some empathy and tact.

I'm with @Ikeepmybumcheekshidden in that I sent the message and felt better for it. I thought long and hard about the message I sent. She replied with a message about how much of a broken person she was etc. I agree with a lot of other posters here that the best medicine is putting that focus into yourself. It felt great when I'd moved on and got my life together for me and DD just as theirs was inevitably falling apart. However I don't regret sending the message, although I may be in a minority.

Head up and walk away!
bin them both and don’t give them the satisfaction of hurting you. They deserve each other.

Send nothing. Or thank you.

She'll think you're just saying it as a bitterness thing. She will think she's won even more. Her prize is a bucket of shit and she can keep it. You don't want it back.
Move on. Karma has a way of kicking people up the arse. Might be years. You may ir may not know about it but it will happen.
Happiness is the best revenge. Hold your head up high.

So this is his ex, are we talking ex wife ?

Who you now have a baby with ?

I'm just misunderstanding the post.

So you believe this was a targeted attack by his ex, with your weak ass partner.

You are better off out of it.

The fact that she thinks she 'won' by bagging a cheating, lying bastard shows how low her standards are.

You are already better than both of them. Everyone knows that, including them. Leave them to it. Shitty people don't deserve your time.

Keep your dignity OP and don't send it.

I know he is to blame too

No, he’s not to blame too, he’s to blame completely. She had no relationship with you or your child, had no investment in your family, had made no promises to you, had not built a life and a home with you. She owed you nothing. He’s the one who chose to turn his back on all those things. Chose. He wasn’t placed under a spell, he made a choice knowing what the likely consequences would be.

She participated in an unbelievably cunty thing, no doubt, but he’s the one who did this to you. Do what lots of people have suggested - delete it. Not least because it’s unlikely to give you the catharsis you’re searching for, and might in fact just make you feel worse and more vulnerable. By all means be righteously furious, but make sure you’re aiming that fury at the most deserving target.

She owed you nothing.

Is there not a basic standard of human decency that we all owe each other, which is to refrain from actions we know will cause hurt to others, nor to enable someone in actions that we know will hurt others?

I agree she is not the primary culprit but I strongly disagree with the idea that there is no basic standard of respect that we owe all people, regardless of whether we have made specific promises to them.

Don't do it.

It will only give her more gloating triumph to know how you feel.

Stay classy, look fabulous, be happy free of them both.

When they go low, we go high, as Michelle Obama says!

A lot of people on here will say "don't blame the OW!".

My experience is that there is definitely a profile of the OW who deliberately targets someone elses partner, and who feels no guilt or shame. They are often the ones who will not stop contacting and who feel a grand sense of entitlement.

Think fatal attraction or Amber Heard at the magnified end of this, but ultimately they are without empathy or a good moral code.

That'll make them particularly good at playing the role of dream partner, because its not real. They're faking. They're probably love bombing. And they're doing it all because poaching an already committed man makes them feel good.

Partly because they're not capable of real, respectful love borne of responsibility and decency, partly because "winning" is a thrill - and essentially this is because they're jealous of other women.

Trust me when I say the characteristics, or lack thereof, which made this woman capable of feeling entitled to someone else's partner, to split children from their home unit - WILL COME OUT.

The more he moves from the fantasy la la land into real life with someone who is, at best, a shit human being- he will regret it. She isn't a prize. She just faked a fantasy and it will all crash.

She was only able to do this because your partner was weak and a bit pathetic and in time you'll see you're too good for someone like that.

Hold on to your character. Get on with living well. Laugh at them. Pity them. They are beneath you.

I would say it depends what you want to get out of it! If you want her to show remorse or sorrow for what she has done then don't bother because you will be disappointed! If you simply want to get it all off your chest, and plant that seed of distrust in her mind without expecting any sort of reply/ reaction from her then do it! What have you got to lose? As for those that say its not her that's the problem it's your ex well that's absolute bollocks! They are both as scummy as each other and eventually you will understand that they absolutely deserve each other!

Don't do it x