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Original poster

Help - dating an introvert

42 replies

bumblebreath · 16/09/2023 18:45

I have been dating a man I met on tinder for about a month. After about a week of chatting we went on 2 dates on consecutive days. Then we didn't see each other for about 3 weeks due to holidays and busy schedules. We stayed in touch via whatsapp, though not as intensively as before we met.

We have seen each other 3 times since and have called each other a few times.
All encounters with him feel great.

The problem is that I have a fear of commitment/rejection and each 'silence' on his part feels like rejection, although when I see/call him, the message is always positive.

He has told me he is an introvert. I am an extreme extravert. I am finding the silences hard. I keep switching between 'he is just not that into me' and 'just relax, he is busy, he will contact me when he has time. It doesn't mean he is not thinking about you'

I like him. He is a decent, kind man.

Does anyone have any tips? Should I be patient and see where this will lead or cut my losses?

OP posts:
continentallentil · 16/09/2023 18:57

Talk to him about it and compromise.

With kindness you aren’t going to have a successful relationship with anyone if you can’t communicate and compromise. Just sucking it up or giving up won’t help.

Deargodletitgo · 16/09/2023 19:00

I'm an introvert, it's not about being shy or uncommunicative it's about needing some time alone to recharge. My partner is also an introvert, but it doesn't stop us from spending time together or chatting online. Don't confuse his personality with being an introvert.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 16/09/2023 19:18

continentallentil · 16/09/2023 18:57

Talk to him about it and compromise.

With kindness you aren’t going to have a successful relationship with anyone if you can’t communicate and compromise. Just sucking it up or giving up won’t help.

I would like to. He's about te leave for a week abroad and we haven't set a date to see each other again afterward at the moment. The ball is in his court to suggest a date 🤷‍♀️.

I'm willing to wait though. It just makes me very nervous.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblebreath · 16/09/2023 19:27

Deargodletitgo · 16/09/2023 19:00

I'm an introvert, it's not about being shy or uncommunicative it's about needing some time alone to recharge. My partner is also an introvert, but it doesn't stop us from spending time together or chatting online. Don't confuse his personality with being an introvert.

That does explain one of the dates where he was very tired and we just chilled. He had had a very busy week.

Or maybe he's just not that into me.

OP posts:
renthead · 16/09/2023 19:32

How long are these silences?

whataboutism · 16/09/2023 19:33

He has to chase you. THat's the beginning the middle and the end of it.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 16/09/2023 19:34

A day or 2 at the most. Sometimes when I ask a question as well.

OP posts:
occhiazzurri · 16/09/2023 19:44

I don’t think what you are describing is necessarily sign of an introvert. This person sounds either too busy or not interested in dating or not interested in you. Most people will at least message once a day if interested in keeping momentum and seeing the other person again. If you do see him you can mention you enjoy chatting to him daily and see if there is any course correction over the next few dates. Or this person could be an avoidant who needs a lot of space.

renthead · 16/09/2023 19:49

That's not introversion. I'm an introvert and I have a very active WhatsApp/text life! That's "he's just not that into you" I'm afraid.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 16/09/2023 20:00

When we do see each orher it feels pretty solid though. He has a sweet nickname for me, gives the best hugs and is generally kind.

He is extremely busy (as am I, though not as mich as he is). He hasn't dated much due to a lack of time but he says that for the right person, he'll make time. But it's hard to discover if we are right for each other if we don't find enough time or if we are both knackered when we see each other.

So the lack of texts is something I'll have to discuss with him. For now I'm not sending him any more texts.

OP posts:
renthead · 16/09/2023 20:15

It does sound a bit odd. Honestly if you're wondering, I'd raise it with him.

Antilope · 16/09/2023 22:23

I’m not sure if it’s a ‘he’s not that into you’ thing. Some people for example don’t want to seem overly keen at the beginning, and for some people it’s not normal to be texting 24/7. Depends.

My ex wouldn’t really reply to texts that much. He just hated texting. He would rather call. He’d only be interested in in-person time. Lasted 10+ years somehow.

Current bf occasionally doesn’t really text when he’s busy and stressed. When he isn’t we might text for hours, but there’s periods when it doesn’t happen that used to worry me and I questioned him. Now he might do a quick check-in even when he doesn’t feel like chatting loads.

at the beginning in the get-to-know-you stage texting is quite important though to find things out about one another so nothing wrong with talking about it

Catsafterme · 16/09/2023 22:43

It could just be me but I'm an introvert and I need those recharge periods but that's more to do with socializing with people, mainly gatherings.

Generally whoever I am close to, dating or relationship wise I would want and enjoy talking to them, I wouldn't leave them hanging.

Opentooffers · 16/09/2023 22:51

I had this recently. Our communication styles were totally different. He'd think nothing of calling, then waffling for over 2hours - including me spending half an hour trying to end the call. I'm more of a texter, takes a few seconds, so there is never an excuse not to be able to text in a 24 hour period. I don't care how busy someone is, if you can eat and drink over 24 hours, you can spare 30 secs for a text.
Some things he said in his last call were questionable, red flags if you like. But then he went silent for a second time after having accepted that the last time he did was extenuating circumstances on his part and not the norm. So I gave him 24 hours, then blocked him. It was never going to work, only one date, so nothing lost. Hadn't even kissed yet - probably telling, no spark either really tbh.

HenryCavillsWife · 16/09/2023 23:47

My husband is an introvert but he kept in touch consistently when we were dating.

whataboutism · 17/09/2023 04:05

INtrovert does not mean showing less love, or give less attention. it's showing differently.

Aprilx · 17/09/2023 04:11

bumblebreath · 16/09/2023 19:27

That does explain one of the dates where he was very tired and we just chilled. He had had a very busy week.

Or maybe he's just not that into me.

Show quote history

Well sadly I think it is the latter.

I am an introvert, it does not mean I am uncommunicative and especially not in a new relationship. I love the contact and in fact I would be quite concerned if there were gaps.

My introversion means I find that large gatherings, parties or whatever, drain my batteries. That is all. What you are describing is not introversion and he is using that as an excuse for can’t be bothered.

daisydaily · 17/09/2023 07:06

I recently dated and subsequently split from an introvert. I found the long silences between dates really hurtful and my self-esteem really suffered. I'm quite a communicative and socially confident person but the days of no communication whilst he recharged were awful for me. I'd tie myself in knots wondering what I had done or why he couldn't spare me just a few seconds to drop me a text to let me know he was thinking about me despite him needing his time alone. Our dates were lovely. Really fun and he was a great guy but it came down to a mismatch in communication. I felt uncared for and unloved in the end. He was extremely happy being by himself and ultimately I felt that I was just a nuisance to him by wanting more than our 1 or 2 dates a week. At 50+ and after 2 years I wanted more so I walked away. He didn't try to contact me once so that told me all I needed to know.

SoGladofYou · 17/09/2023 08:18

Nothing to do with him being an introvert. He’s either not that into you or he’s playing it all wrong, which is a red flag. I’d set this one to one side & get on with my life.

Aprilx · 17/09/2023 11:03

daisydaily · 17/09/2023 07:06

I recently dated and subsequently split from an introvert. I found the long silences between dates really hurtful and my self-esteem really suffered. I'm quite a communicative and socially confident person but the days of no communication whilst he recharged were awful for me. I'd tie myself in knots wondering what I had done or why he couldn't spare me just a few seconds to drop me a text to let me know he was thinking about me despite him needing his time alone. Our dates were lovely. Really fun and he was a great guy but it came down to a mismatch in communication. I felt uncared for and unloved in the end. He was extremely happy being by himself and ultimately I felt that I was just a nuisance to him by wanting more than our 1 or 2 dates a week. At 50+ and after 2 years I wanted more so I walked away. He didn't try to contact me once so that told me all I needed to know.

It did show you what you needed to know, but as numerous introverts on the thread have said, behaving like this is not the sign of an introvert.

itsmyp4rty · 17/09/2023 11:17

I disagree with everyone else - you've only been dating a few weeks,having to text every single day otherwise you must not be interested sounds absolutely batshit to me. Very intense. I'm an introvert and I wouldn't want to have to message someone I've only just met every day, I also don't need to be chased! Obviously he has to make some effort but you hardly know each other, expecting texting every single day unless you're 15 or married is crazy IMO! Have a life beyond the person you've only just started dating!

daisydaily · 17/09/2023 11:53

Absolutely! It didn't feel like it at the time but 6 months later I'm glad I walked away. Masking it as "being an introvert" was bullshit actually. He just didn't want to make any effort - he claimed he wanted a relationship with me but he wanted it all on his terms whilst offering me the crumbs of his time. My only "bad" was that I accepted it for so long!

DeeCeeCherry · 17/09/2023 12:04

2 people like each other get together build relationship and that's it. What's to analyse? Anyway he's not that into you or you'd hear from him more. + 3 weeks of so busy you couldn't see each other even once briefly, are you both running a country? Find someone easier to be with. Even if by chance he is actually an introvert, a man with fuck all to say for himself that you barely see doesn't exactly sound worth getting out of bed for

Original poster
bumblebreath · 17/09/2023 13:13

DeeCeeCherry · 17/09/2023 12:04

2 people like each other get together build relationship and that's it. What's to analyse? Anyway he's not that into you or you'd hear from him more. + 3 weeks of so busy you couldn't see each other even once briefly, are you both running a country? Find someone easier to be with. Even if by chance he is actually an introvert, a man with fuck all to say for himself that you barely see doesn't exactly sound worth getting out of bed for

Not running a country. But we both run a business, have kids and don't live in the same town. Holidays, a wedding, a 70th birthday weekend, kids and work got in the way.

I don't mind the idea of seeing each other infrequently. I struggle with the lack of contact.

I probably am too needy in that regard. Something for me to work on. In the meanwhile though, I'm going to not do anything one way or another for now. Nothing lost and nothing gained. I'll wait and see how things are when he is back.

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 17/09/2023 13:29

I'm an introvert. I'm chatty and confident, and good at keeping in touch with people, on the phone or via text/WhatsApp. I just need alone time to recharge if I've been with a lot of people for a sustained amount of time.