Not sure about new man

[Ell003]

My new partner has 3 kids. He's been to court many times for contact. He's only allowed to write a letter every 2 weeks to his his children. Anyone any experience with this setup???

No because men who aren't allowed face to face contact with their children are probably not men I want to interact with.

I would be wondering why he is not allowed face to face contact.

Has he given an explanation for this form of contact?
It is an unusual order in this day and age and one I wouldn't be impressed with.

That does not sound good OP! In my experience that level of contact suggests that there were serious concerns about his conduct/parenting at some point. Do you know the details?

Agree with PP - I'd be giving him a wide berth.

Where did you meet him? Did you know him well before you started dating? You obviously know more than us but it would definitely put me off.

Should say unusual for a non abusive father to be given that order.

Definitely wouldn't date a bloke who has only indirect contact... that means something very bad happens or is likely to happen.

I think I'd give this one a wide swerve op.

You've gotta be a pretty terrible person for the courts to not even allow you supervised visits.

Only exception I could think of is he's actually never been in their lives and so they are beginning access via letters and working up to something more? Even then though...it's...off.

And the continued returns to court...
it smacks of him being told 'no' and not liking that.

Swerve him OP, straight in the bin.

I think if you want to continue things, certainly run a Claires law check on him. To see if there's been reported abuse in his past.

Don't get pregnant and don't move in with him.
And read up on how to spot abusers. Eg common abuser tactics such as love bombing, gaslighting, narcissistic triangulation (when they play you off against/compare you to other women such as their ex)

I'd get find out more information under Claire's Law. Fathers are allowed to see their children when they have done vile things. He must have done something bad.

I'd ditch!

Do you have kids of your own OP? Forgive me but you sound fairly naive to actually be with this bloke!

They let violent men see their traumatised children in contact centres.

There is very little they can do to be given such little contact. Use Claire's law if you need to, but this man isn't a keeper.

Or his ex was bitter and used the kids against him maybe ?

Just for balance, my friends ex wouldn't allow him to see their son, despite court orders etc, He paid maintenance every month without fail and always sent birthday cards and presents which were always returned to him.
There are some cases where the man is genuine and it's the ex making contact impossible .

I suppose the key word in the OP is the word ‘allowed’ : if it’s the court that is not allowing him contact then that is a huge concern as the burden of proof for that is very high. If its the ex partner then that may be more nuanced but still a potential red flag

Run. I used to work in safeguarding units, and for domestic violence projects in my younger years. The courts do not make these sorts of arrangements unless it is deemed that the children are at significant risk of neglect or abuse. The threshold for this sort of order preventing access is incredibly high. Someone who came to work for me briefly as a roofer relayed a similar story. He was a former heroin addict with 4 kids by various mothers. Long criminal history, and in/ out of prison a lot. None of the mothers wanted the kids to see him. He doesn't have a working vein left, and just came out of a dependency clinic. He was going back to court to try to get access to his kids, but he was clearly mentally unwell and hallucinating (hence reason I let him go as he wasn't in a fit state to be working at height and risk taking). He had attempted court access many many times in previous years but was always deemed too violent, too mentally unstable and too unwell in himself to have unsupervised contact.

If your boyfriend had been to court many times over refusal of the mother to allow contact (for example), a court would have ordered that he have access rights as a parent if this refusal was groundless. If there were some concerns, this may have been arranged at a contact centre, or with a chaperone present such as another relative or social services appointed person. If you have children, I would be concerned that this man is interested in them, as much as you. Paedophiles actively seek single parents they deem to be vulnerable to allow them access to their kids, and their kids friends. He could be on the sex offenders register for all you know, or out on parole for a serious matter. You could tell him you are doing a Claires law request on him, and see how he reacts. But personally, if it was me then I would end it now as this is a big red flag.

Thanks for the replies. I've just put in a request for a clares law check.

There is no such thing as a wonderful man and father who is only allowed intermittent written contact with his children

My friends ex is allowed overnights with his kids and social workers know he's got anger issues and been physically abusive to them!
So I would be very concerned about your new man.

Please get away from this man OP, listen to your intuition.

Sounds like abuse or possibly domestic violence. Mother possibly has a restraining order in place. I would question it further as I would be wondering why such a low level of contact. Fathers are normally allowed at least 1 day a week

I would also take it very slowly and certainly don't move in with him.

Run.

I wouldn't continue with him.