In laws

[Flowersandrainbows1]

My dad died about 8 weeks ago and my in-laws haven’t been in touch with me since the funeral.

I’m a bit cut up about it as I feel it’s really insensitive as I’ve been married to my husband for 22 years and been with him for over 30 years. It’s not as though we don’t speak or anything, I thought I was part of the family but they seem to be treating me like a stranger.

I understand that sometimes people don’t know what to say at times like this, but a text to ask how I am wouldn’t go amiss. But there’s just silence from them which feels incredibly lonely.

don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive because I’m in the midst of this awful grief. Just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience?

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

I think you said it yourself though, some people don’t know how to respond in these situations. They are giving you space because that’s probably what they like when they grieve. They also perhaps don’t know what to say or how to support. I’d assume they aren’t doing this to hurt you or upset you so please try not take it to heart.

Can you speak to your dh and he can ask them to reach out?

I'm sorry for your loss.
They attended the funeral which shows they care.
They are probably giving you space.

Thank you.

unfortunately, there’s a bit more to it. MIL and I don’t have the best relationship, I do find her to be cold, competitive and I feel she has ostracised me a lot. She has a close relationship with my SIL (there’s a history there too!), always whispering to me about how wonderful SIL is etc etc

I've recently been diagnosed with mild autism and I do struggle with relationships. I see the world through a very black and white lens at times, I feel I don’t fit in and I can also clam up when I’m in uncomfortable situations. In-laws don’t know about my diagnosis as I’m frightened it will be another reason to isolate me.

my dad was ill in hospital for three weeks before he passed and MIL only got in touch once via OH never directly with me.

in laws and the rest of the family are away this weekend and didn’t invite hubby or I.

I know my autism and grief are making me view this issue differently to how others might but I’m hurting a lot

I think you need to lower your expectations for a start.
You don't have a good relationship with them, so why would you want them to be communicating with you?

Regarding them going away together, your father has just died, nobody would expect you to head off on a jolly old holiday while you are still grieving. And again, why would you want to go?

I agree with the pp, your father has just died so they probably wouldn’t invite you as it’s not the right time. I know it’s hard to not feel excluded but you’ve already stated you’re not the closest. Yes I’d expect a text reaching out, just a hope you’re okay text but if you maybe don’t get on then they might be thinking it will annoy you.

You don’t need to tell them about your diagnosis, its
entirely up to you who you tell and when.

I think right now you need to put this situation out of your mind and focus on yourself and grieving.

Yeah, my autism means I struggle with understanding relationships.
they’re my husband’s family. Even though I don’t have a great relationship with MIL, they’re still his parents and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect them to hold space for us

Sorry to read about your dads passing.

If your relationship has always been strained with MIL she sees no reason to contact you. They attended the funeral, for them life continues.

Unfortunately as there life has not changed there is no need to contact you.

Sorry for your loss

I'm in a (sort of) similar situation to you in that I am also autistic (diagnosed last year as an adult) so I also struggle with relationships, particularly with my in-laws. My grandpa died last year (it was the first major death in my immediate family during my lifetime so quite significant for me) and they didn't text me or say anything to me following his death. Also they just generally don't talk to me or show any interest in my life - they never ask me questions about my work, or the upcoming wedding I'm planning with their son. They are aware that I'm autistic so they should know that I'm not very good at making small talk myself and often need prompting from others.

My fiancé thinks it's because they don't know how to act around me or what to say and are 'scared of upsetting me'. It's often been the case where I've apparently 'looked miserable' at family gatherings with them, but that was simply due to autistic overwhelm rather than anything personal and they are aware I'm autistic. I also try my hardest to make an effort with them with the limited energy I have but it's clearly not enough. I've made peace with it - I'm not going to waste mental energy trying to force a relationship with them if they can't be arsed to understand how I think and behave due to autism, and we don't see each other very often anyway.

Like some other posters have said on here, it might be because they don't know what to say to you or aren't the kind of people to 'show emotion' at times like this. My in-laws are also a bit like that which is probably part of my own issues with them as well.

My advice would be to try not to let it bother you and rally round your side of the family during this difficult time.

Thank you for your empathy and good advice

I’ve always tried to make an effort too, even though my autism has made this exhausting at times.

I think I will have to leave them where they are at

You don't have a good relationship with them, so why would you want them to be communicating with you?

That.

But to be honest, what can they do? My in-laws were great and I loved them dearly. But I don't recall them making any kind of fuss when my dad died. They gave me space and checked on how I was via my DH (they didn't live near us so his weekly phone call with them was our main communication, with weekend stays every six weeks or so).

I'm really unsure what you want from them, and why.

Grief is a very personal thing. If you look at the 7 stages of grief https://www.hcf.com.au/health-agenda/body-mind/mental-health/moving-through-grief you are still in the early stages. That is 100% normal and you have a way to go to move through the stages, processing your loss.
Your in laws are removed from the grief in that your DF was not in their immediate circle so they have gone straight to acceptance.
In a way it is better that they leave you to grieve at your own pace, in your own way. Some people can make very inappropriate comments ( I had a couple of shockers)
I’m sorry for your loss. For now forget about your in laws, concentrate on yourself.

Yeah the reason I’m posting is because I’m autistic and I struggle to work out relationships. Even though I’m learning to be proud of my neurodivergency, I’m still interested in receiving advice on how to get my head round it.

I’m not looking for a fuss from anyone, but I am looking for a bit of kindness. Even although I find my MIL to be cold towards me I’ve always tried to be kind and inclusive of them, so yeah, I expect that in return.

What sort of kindness are you looking for @Flowersandrainbows1 ? I'm not sure what form you're expecting it to take.

Sometimes people are extra worried about how to manage conversations with people who are autistic, as they don't want to say the wrong thing, or misread your facial expression or body language. It's probably as difficult for a NT person to read your needs, as it is for you to read theirs.

A pp mentioned above that she looks miserable in family situations, but that people should understand that she's trying her best. And they should, but at the same time it's very difficult for a NT person to approach someone who clearly doesn't want to be there. It's a bit nerve wracking to think that your approach might make them worse.

In some ways these social interactions are quite levelling in their difficulty. The autistic person feels awkward because of their autism. The NT person feels awkward because they recognise that the autistic person might misread or not welcome their approach. Maybe both need to empathise with each other

I haven’t told them I’m autistic, so they’re not taking extra precautions with me. I’m only just diagnosed

It's not so much the diagnosis as the traits though. As you said:
I can also clam up when I’m in uncomfortable situations
If they recognise that, then they're not going to do anything that might make you uncomfortable. And asking about someone's grief is risky with anyone, which is why we find it so hard. It will seem especially risky if they know that it could make you clam up with discomfort.

I disagree. I really don’t think asking someone about their grief is risky. I think it’s a very kind thing to acknowledge the pain that a family member is in from losing a person that they love.

as far as neurodivergence goes, in my experience I’ve spent my whole life accommodating NTs, masking, being afraid to be me. I’m realising I’m allowed to be me and I can be accommodated too and I can have expectations of others too.

I disagree. I really don’t think asking someone about their grief is risky

Of course it is! You have to be incredibly socially confident to comfortably start a conversation about someone's loss. No-one wants to risk making someone cry. Most of us try to still have that conversation, but saying that it's risk-free is really not accurate.
People crossing the road to avoid someone who's been bereaved is a much reported thing.

Your autism is kind of irrelevant really.

You aren't close and she doesn't like you.
As an extension she doesn't authentically care about you / your family / your grief.
She is also either an unkind or self absorbed person.
Even if she didn't like you she could at least show some kindness because she cares about her son and he married you.but she hasn't.

You aren't being oversensitive and bluntly it's a dick move from them.
Buttt you aren't going to change that so you need to.accept it

Thanks for your opinion

I do disagree. I really don’t think asking a member of your family or a friend about their loss is risky at all. It really isn’t, especially after 30 years of being part of a family. It’s an inclusive thing to do.

perhaps, acquaintances and people external to a family find it uncomfortable for them and that’s why people cross a street.

OP - when you ask for opinions and advice on reading a social situation - and then proceed to insist on disagreeing on what people are telling you - it’s a useless exercise.

You are hurting. I am sorry about your loss.
You are in some way hoping in-laws step up a bit and help with grieving.

But - you clearly don’t have that sort of relationship with them. Recent diagnosis aside - i am sure they picked up on you being different in communication and relationships. So - you didn’t develop a close relationship with them. And the fact that you have been around them for many years - doesn’t change that. Time along doesn’t make people closer.

So - given all that - your in-laws are threading carefully. As many people would.
It is incredibly difficult to know how people are processing grief. And most people choose the safest path - standing back and letting people have space.

IF you want more emotional engagement - you need to reach out and engage yourself.

It is incredibly difficult to know how people are processing grief. And most people choose the safest path - standing back and letting people have space.

Yes. When my husband died, it was only the people that I was emotionally closest to that I really wanted to talk to, to be honest. I hugely appreciated all the people (often unexpected) who came to his funeral, and talked to me at the wake. But beyond that, outside of the people.closest to me, I appreciated some space.

But we're all different. And unfortunately you and your in-laws aren't emotionally close enough for them to feel safe in opening up up that your bereavement wound.

I’m allowed to disagree with opinions. I posted to gain opinions, because being neurodivergent I wanted to gauge them, it doesn’t mean I have to agree with all of them. As it is, the post has attracted a wide range of opinions which I’ve read and I’ll take on board the ones that resonate with me.

my autism diagnosis can’t be pushed aside, as it’s part of me. Thank you for your opinion

IF you want more emotional engagement - you need to reach out and engage yourself.

again, this is an opinion I disagree with. Firstly because I have reached out many many times in the past, secondly, being neurodivergent which is part and parcel of me, it shouldn’t always be down to me to ‘reach out’ or fix it. Relationships to me are a two way process and grief has demonstrated to me that I simply cannot mask at the moment.

I have asked for opinions on this post, and it’s true, everyone is different and processes grief in different ways, including me. I think there’s a difference between giving space and isolating and excluding someone.