In laws

[Flowersandrainbows1]

My dad died about 8 weeks ago and my in-laws haven’t been in touch with me since the funeral.

I’m a bit cut up about it as I feel it’s really insensitive as I’ve been married to my husband for 22 years and been with him for over 30 years. It’s not as though we don’t speak or anything, I thought I was part of the family but they seem to be treating me like a stranger.

I understand that sometimes people don’t know what to say at times like this, but a text to ask how I am wouldn’t go amiss. But there’s just silence from them which feels incredibly lonely.

don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive because I’m in the midst of this awful grief. Just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience?

OP - your diagnosis doesn’t change reality of how people are. You can disagree all you want, but its not an ‘opinion’ that most people act a certain way. It’s just a fact and reality.
Disagreeing with reality doesn’t change it.

Your in-laws don’t have a close emotional connection with you. They are behaving in the way majority of NT people would behave in this situation.

In your grief - you seem to be lashing out at something. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. Maybe thinking they are evil and want to hurt you is helping you somehow.

I also wanted to add. You seem to be using your recent ND diagnosis as some sort of a right to expect for special consideration. But - as no one is aware of the diagnosis - you surely can’t really expect it.

You don't need to ‘mask’. You can feel and express whatever feelings you have. When people grieve (NT or ND) - this is what happens. And this is why many people
stay away - as it is probably too intense for most people.

You can’t change your in-laws. You can only change what you do.
If you want a connection - you come to them.

Wow!

Wow what? @MMmomDD 's post is spot on.
You seem to be failing to acknowledge standard psychology on how people behave when someone they know is bereaved. And you expect your in-laws to read your mind and treat you as if you have autism, without knowing that you have autism.

You can't have it both ways.

Maybe thinking they are evil and want to hurt you is helping you somehow.

Totally untrue and uncalled for comment, here.

You might disagree with me and I with you, but this comment is extremely unfair. At no point have I stated that my in laws are ‘evil’.

You seem to be using your recent ND diagnosis as some sort of a right to expect for special consideration.

absolutely not! But,yes, NTs do not consider ND needs enough.

You don't need to ‘mask’.

Again, totally untrue.

And you expect your in-laws to read your mind and treat you as if you have autism, without knowing that you have autism.

no. I expect them to treat me with kindness. That is all.

I totally get it, and I thought I had a good relationship with mine. I lost a parent three years ago, and last spoke to them the day my parent died.

i expected the normal card, delivery of flowers, or cake or something to show they were thinking about me.

I got nothing, and what is worse, my DH also got no support at all from his parents while his wife became deranged with grief. He was a total rock and his friends gave him the support he needed, while his parents didn’t call, arrange to visit, do anything. They don’t live nearby but have clearly given us the heads up for how to behave when bereaved, so let’s hope they will be fine with no card, no flowers, no support from us at all when one of them goes.

All I wanted was some kindness, and the social norms and I got the same as you, nothing. It is poor of them.
I have now reached the point of not even asking DH how they are, and if he has phoned them, and he has gone from a weekly call to maybe two a year. Their loss. He is so hurt by their actions, or non actions.

I am so sorry for your loss, and so very sorry your in laws are unkind to you when you most need some support

Yep.

So sorry for your loss 💔

People can be so unkind.

My MIL rang DH while we were at the hospice with my dad. She was going on about some new carpets she'd had put down and DH said, I can't really speak right now, we're at the hospice, it's not a great time, I'll call you later. She just carried on about the bloody carpets and he said, mum, I can't really talk now, she just replied, okay then, speak soon, bye and hang up. Absolutely no sympathy or kind words. My dad passed away that evening and she didn't get in touch again for weeks. I accept she is what she is and she'll never change, I just keep my distance. Some people are just mean.

But what was the relationship like previously? Do you often exchange texts?

Are you their family or their sons wife?

I wouldn't go putting expectations on relationships that just don't exist.

absolutely not! But,yes, NTs do not consider ND needs enough

This is not a need it's a want.

One they don't have to go past their boundaries or wants to fulfill.

OP - i think your black and white thinking comes through here.

I am not being fair or unfair. I am simply stating some facts about NT people. And trying to explain their behaviours.
As you said you struggle to understand people and relationships.

It isn’t clear what you really want from your post. You originally said you wanted to understand. But as you refuse to hear explanations you don’t like - i am not sure anymore.

Maybe you just want to vent. Which is fine. I am sorry for your loss.

Your in-laws are as well. And they express it the way they are able, that feels right and respectful to them. I am sorry that that way makes you feel isolated.

Thank you to those who understand where I’m coming from. I absolutely agree that there is so much unkindness.

MMmomDD nah disagree with you. Maybe thinking they are evil and want to hurt you is helping you somehow.

I think this is unfair and completely inaccurate comment, as you’ll see from my posts, I’ve never once stated my in laws are evil. It’s nothing to do with NT. it’s simply not true.

Maybe you just want to vent.

nah, I just don’t have to agree with everything.

You seem to be failing to acknowledge standard psychology on how people behave when someone they know is bereaved.

I’m not sure there’s a standard psychology as it’s one of the most hotly debated disciplines in the world.

everyone behaves differently based on their upbringing, environment, experiences.

So there’s no standard way to behave or support someone through grief. Some people do ignore those going through grief. However, as I’ve said, it’s not unreasonable to expect kindness from those around us during bereavement.

I haven’t received it and as someone said on another post, it is what it is.

This is not a need it's a want.

One they don't have to go past their boundaries or wants to fulfill.

so are we saying here that neurotypical people don’t need to consider neurodivergents?

just a note, I don’t expect my in-laws to make allowances for my autism. I mentioned my autism on reflection of me not them.

Not in this matter no.
Your ND is completely irrelevant to what you want and expect them to do here.

Someone who acted with coldness towards me isn't someone I would want comfort from as it wouldn't bring me any. If they haven't shown warmth during the good times, it's very unlikely they'd reach out during the bad times. Sometimes how people dealt with their own grief can affect their responses too. Presumably they have lost their own parents? They may have just to crack on and get on with it, so maybe don't think you need them to reach out.

I wonder of part of the reason you are fixated on one sentence of the various points i made is because you reading things too literally…
You so understand there is exaggerations and irony in the speech….
And fail to see that statements you make also carry implied meaning.

So - while you did not explicitly say your in-laws are bad people - the implication is there.
….You keep insisting that they are not being kind and supportive to a grieving family member (you)
…. They are isolating you making it even harder
…. Despite you having tries with them - they ostracise you

The only conclusion to imply from this is that you consider them to not be good people, bc good people wont treat someone this way….

I know you disagree. . …