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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends posting memes about negativity

36 replies

Zenana · 15/09/2023 21:22

I'm prepared to get some snarky comments about this but I still don't understand why people do it. Yes I know different people like different things, it's none of my business and so on.

I've got three friends whose relationships - two marriages, one engagement - ended within the last 4 years. Every day they're posting on Facebook sharing memes and "inspirational" messages about picking up the pieces, fighting back, whose fault is it that nobody saw their worth, or posting about how low they are and another bad day etc. How someone pledged to love and cherish and didn't.

I know they have all been through the mill and suffered. But they've all had good stuff happening too. That never seems to be celebrated or at least the woeful memes outweigh them.

Wouldn't sharing the good stuff count for more, give a stronger feeling and make them feel better? I'm not one for posting things publicly myself so maybe that's why I don't get it.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 16/09/2023 00:25

Have you asked you friends why they do it?

Attention?
So people don't forget they are hurting?
To make the ex look bad?
It's just a process the positive memes "living my best life" are on the way enjoy the negative ones the positive ones are much much much more cringe worthy.

So blessed
Know your worth
I am a strong woman
Pick myself up

ZekeZeke · 16/09/2023 07:08

Ignore?

MrsMorrisey · 16/09/2023 07:20

Man it's so annoying. I kinda feel like it's attention seeking behaviour.
I'm not sure what the point of it is otherwise.
Just snooze them for 30 days, then you don't have to see it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2023 07:22

FB is the mountain they scream from. They're adults and can choose to do that. You can choose to snooze them.

YukoandHiro · 16/09/2023 07:23

The poster who said "so people don't forget they're hurting" is onto something.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 16/09/2023 07:24

I think people do that when they are struggling. So some meme makes them have an extreme blast of ‘oh my god this is so right!!!’ and they desperately want to hold on to that realisation so get all post on Facebook about it.

people who are content and calm and not struggling with something typically don’t post inspirational quotes.

SeasonalWitch · 16/09/2023 07:26

I believe people do this because it puts into words what they’ve been feeling and helps as a release, but they don’t realise how it looks from other people’s perspectives because they’re so wrapped up in the situation.

I had a few friends start this and within months would be announcing their divorce. One of them has not moved on and is still doing it, gosh, it has to be 12 years later. The worrying thing is that she is a trained psychologist!

nobodysdaughternow · 16/09/2023 07:32

I think it is a passive aggressive poke at the ex. Who probably isn't on fb because he's off shagging ow #livinghisbestlife

PurpleMonkeys · 16/09/2023 07:36

It's either a type of vaguebooking, hoping people will reach out because they're hurting.
Or it's simple attention seeking bollocks and seeing likes and replies gives them a little endorphin release.

Possibly a little mix of both.

I haven't got FB, I dislike it immensely

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/09/2023 07:55

I agree it's very healing to have feelings put into words. And after a bad relationship where you weren't understood it's nice to know someone understands you even if it's an internet quote!

I agree it's a bit odd to share it all for everyone to see but everyone's different and it is their page you don't have to look at it.

If they're your good friends then see how they're doing. Perhaps kindly suggest counseling if anyone really struggles to move forwards. If they're not close friends then mute.

I think also the 'focus on the positives!' Can be toxic positivity (it's a googleable thing ) if you want to see inspirational quotes online then follow or share them yourself but we can't demand that our heartbroken friends do!

Name99 · 16/09/2023 08:15

At least they aren't male and posting the Tommy Shelby loyalty memes.

Original poster
Zenana · 16/09/2023 08:22

YukoandHiro · 16/09/2023 07:23

The poster who said "so people don't forget they're hurting" is onto something.

Yes I think so too. I don't want to be cruel but it's like professional misery or something.

OP posts:
LovingMyLiver · 16/09/2023 08:34

Facebook has turned fully grown adults into needy, attention seeking 13 year olds. It's pathetic. U ok hun?

TheDaphne · 16/09/2023 08:37

Surely they’re saying something about how they are feeling, even if it’s indirect and via irritating memes? Is it significant that you clearly think they should have moved on ie. they feel they can’t say. ‘I feel completely miserable my marriage ended’ directly or in person, so they do it on FB?

Bunnyhair · 16/09/2023 08:48

Social media can be a brutal place when you’re hurting. It can feel like you’ve fallen out of humanity, surrounded by people’s endless assertions of gratitude, constantly chuntering on about their blessings and achievements.

People aren’t always in a place to see the bright side. Think about why that bothers you. I have a couple friends going through absolute hell right now, and their posts make me uncomfortable because there is just no advice anyone can give, no way to make the situation better. What I’m feeling in response to their pain is a fraction of their own helplessness, and I actually think it’s my job as a friend to sit with that feeling, to ‘share’ it and hold it with them, and let them know I am there and see how hard it is.

I actually find that a more meaningful use of social media than scrolling through robotically liking endless photos of fairy cakes and date night meals out.

Daffodil18 · 16/09/2023 08:53

YABU they have been through hell and if that makes them feel better well good for them. They probably don’t want to share the good times because it might sting a little knowing all the hurt they are still processing. The quotes might be their way of showing everyone that they have been through a lot, but are still strong and not weak after everything they’ve been through.

aSofaNearYou · 16/09/2023 09:04

A lot of the time, depending on the person, I assume they're doing this in the hope their ex will see it. I don't say that in a particularly judgmental way btw!

Original poster
Zenana · 16/09/2023 09:08

@Bunnyhair it bothers me because I feel that instead of wasting time on this they could instead have, for instance, cleaned the bathroom and then they'd have a positive achievement and feel good about it and then not be able to grumble that the bathroom is a pigsty. Simple example there but that's what I don't understand. Yes I know people are different but it doesn't seem to be helping them.

One friend was in hospital having an operation when her husband waltzed off with another woman. He's clearly the arsehole not her and he's not worth knowing.

If I felt really low I'd call a friend on the actual phone and chat rather than post on Facebook. I don't think it helps.

OP posts:
TheDaphne · 16/09/2023 09:12

OP, you’re the one emerging as distinctly odd on this thread. ‘Stop moaning about your heartache at the end of your marriage and clean your bathroom instead’? Seriously? If you’re this unsympathetic in person, no wonder they don’t phone you if they’re feeling low. How long is someone ‘allowed’ to feel sad in your eyes?

aSofaNearYou · 16/09/2023 09:12

Zenana · 16/09/2023 09:08

@Bunnyhair it bothers me because I feel that instead of wasting time on this they could instead have, for instance, cleaned the bathroom and then they'd have a positive achievement and feel good about it and then not be able to grumble that the bathroom is a pigsty. Simple example there but that's what I don't understand. Yes I know people are different but it doesn't seem to be helping them.

One friend was in hospital having an operation when her husband waltzed off with another woman. He's clearly the arsehole not her and he's not worth knowing.

If I felt really low I'd call a friend on the actual phone and chat rather than post on Facebook. I don't think it helps.

Now this response I do find odd. Cleaning the bathroom wouldn't help me emotionally at all, so what you're basically saying is it bothers you that people don't just bottle their feelings up and get on with their lives.

I don't think there's anything odd or hard to understand about people finding discussing their feelings with others more helpful than doing chores.

Original poster
Zenana · 16/09/2023 09:19

TheDaphne · 16/09/2023 09:12

OP, you’re the one emerging as distinctly odd on this thread. ‘Stop moaning about your heartache at the end of your marriage and clean your bathroom instead’? Seriously? If you’re this unsympathetic in person, no wonder they don’t phone you if they’re feeling low. How long is someone ‘allowed’ to feel sad in your eyes?

I don't mean that @TheDaphne. It's in response to a specific post that their bathroom is a pigsty then underneath another post saying that they feel like crap, or a meme "nobody knows how bad I feel". My point is that Facebook doesn't help them.

I'm not suggesting they phone me either. They don't take any positive action other than write on Facebook. All that gets them is "sorry hun" and care emojis that doesn't help them.

@aSofaNearYou They don't discuss. They post things and get likes and care emojis but no practical help.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/09/2023 09:21

But how do you know the likes and care emojis don't help them? Maybe it helps remind them of the people in their lives and feel less alone?

Original poster
Zenana · 16/09/2023 09:26

aSofaNearYou · 16/09/2023 09:21

But how do you know the likes and care emojis don't help them? Maybe it helps remind them of the people in their lives and feel less alone?

It may do I suppose, but how many of those people would be there in real life? I would be. I never engage with those posts but I do message them and call for a proper chat.

I started this thread to get an understanding of why people (using those I know as examples) do this rather than talk to someone. I'm seeing one of these friends tonight actually. Interestingly she often moans about people posting "happy heavenly birthday granddad" type posts herself!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/09/2023 09:31

It may do I suppose, but how many of those people would be there in real life? I would be. I never engage with those posts but I do message them and call for a proper chat.

Does it matter? In this day and age, people are more comforted than they once were by connections they may not see in the flesh that much, or ever. It's not an invalid form of communication - a phone call isn't in person either. They might not want a long chat, just to know that there are people out there who wish them well.

Bunnyhair · 16/09/2023 10:58

So in a sense, OP, what bothers you is that people aren’t doing things the way you like to think you’d do them if you were in their shoes. You think they’re living their lives and handling their emotions wrong. I wonder if you’d care to deal with these feelings of irritation by cleaning your bathroom instead of posting on here?