Friends posting memes about negativity

[Zenana]

I'm prepared to get some snarky comments about this but I still don't understand why people do it. Yes I know different people like different things, it's none of my business and so on.

I've got three friends whose relationships - two marriages, one engagement - ended within the last 4 years. Every day they're posting on Facebook sharing memes and "inspirational" messages about picking up the pieces, fighting back, whose fault is it that nobody saw their worth, or posting about how low they are and another bad day etc. How someone pledged to love and cherish and didn't.

I know they have all been through the mill and suffered. But they've all had good stuff happening too. That never seems to be celebrated or at least the woeful memes outweigh them.

Wouldn't sharing the good stuff count for more, give a stronger feeling and make them feel better? I'm not one for posting things publicly myself so maybe that's why I don't get it.

@Bunnyhair my bathroom is fine thanks. The bathroom was mentioned as someone posted about it on Facebook. It wasn't random.

This is a forum and I'm posting a query, which is the purpose of it after all, in a polite way. Perhaps you'd care to tell us why you feel the need to be snippy and sarky when I've not been that way with you.

Why does my question bother you so much?

I’m not meaning to be snippy or snarky - I hadn’t seen your reply about their friend’s bathroom, and it seemed an utterly bizarre suggestion without that context.

If you really want to understand why people get emotionally stuck after breakups, and express their sadness in ways that aren’t always constructive, you could read up a bit on depression and grief. It’s not as simple for a lot of people as pulling their socks up and cracking on with it.

I guess your tone bothers me a bit as I work in mental health, and yes, people’s emotional need can be very hard to bear. But one of the most alienating aspects of grief and loss and depression is the judgement from people around them that they’re attention seeking, or wallowing, or dwelling on it, or not helping themselves. If they had the emotional resources to do things differently, they would. When people get those emotional resources together, they generally do start to communicate and behave in more constructive ways.

But it takes time and support for people to recover. And if people do get stuck, and don’t recover - for a long time, or ever - it’s not because it hasn’t occurred to then to be positive, or because they’re enjoying it.

@Bunnyhair Thanks for the post. I don't at all think they should pull their socks up, get over it, snap out of it or any of those things. I've never thought, said or written anything like that. I was simply questioning the point of all these Facebook posts that I personally don't see as helpful. Wouldn't the time be better spent on reading supportive resources on dealing with depression or whatever the problem is rather than aiming for likes and care emojis? It just becomes an addiction. As a mental health professional what would you say to a client who was spending a good chunk of time on Facebook seeking likes and cares after years?

One of these friends has a good job in a professional role where she's highly thought of and has a small business too. Another has a good job and an absorbing hobby but has been dumped with three children.

Being bemused about this isn't being judgemental. It's seeking understanding. I don't criticise them either to their face or on social media. I just don't see how it helps, rather I think it keeps them stuck.

You could ask your friends directly what stops them from processing their losses in a way that logic suggests might be more helpful. They might be able to help you understand what is going on on their own individual cases.

But un general, deep shock and grief affect executive functioning, making it very difficult to complete basic tasks that would normally be easy, and affecting the ability to concentrate on self-help books, etc. It can be difficult to manage a massive change in life circumstances, moving house, sorting finances etc while keeping a career and a family afloat, and making sure your kids are coping, when you are also on your knees with heartbreak. It can leave you without a lot of time outside of work & childcare for reading self help books or accessing counselling or meeting up with friends who are also quite busy with their own lives.

It takes a few seconds to post something that might get an answering emoji from someone that signals you are not forgotten and people care, and people recognise that you are really struggling. The memes themselves are proof that other people also have these difficulties, that you’re not just doing a singularly shit job at life because you are too overwhelmed to clean your bathroom just now.

I'd say exactly this.
I know it can be annoying if it's always on their page.
I know I went through a stage where a friend had dumped me and it hurt like mad (still dont know the reason). I shared memes I saw because I was hurting wanted to let her know and it resonated with me. Thing is once you post one algorithms mean similar ones keep popping up they resonate so you share. Again because you are still hurting.
I realised I was sharing and she couldnt give a damn whether she had hurt me or not, so stopped.
I rarely post now only holiday photos really.

Here's a typical one from this friend this morning.

if you don't like it, mute them? you don't have to have people on your social media, and you are not obliged to see their posts.

I am constantly astounded at people's constant "need" to tell other people how to use their Social Media alongside an inability to unfriend/unfollow/mute them.

If one of my friends posted that? I'd DM and ask them if they need a chat, or if there was something i could do to make their life a tiny bit better.

If they weren't a close friend, I'd probably drop a hug reaction and move on.

Funny isn’t it people post memes like ‘always here for anyone who needs it/open door/kettle on/look after your mental health but in reality when someone is actually struggling and they post a negative meme no one wants to see or hear it and there attention seeking…it’s a very strange world we live in.

@Brefugee This has been going on since 2019 on an almost daily basis. Several friends including me have messaged or tried to arrange for a chat, but she doesn't want that.

The assumption here I've found is that people think if you don't engage with "you ok hun?" comments on this type of post, you're heartless or don't care. I don't engage with this, because I feel (and I'm entitled to feel) that it's unhealthy and keeps people stuck. Just virtual pats on the head that don't help. Still being dependent on that sort of validation after four years isn't helping anyone.

If she posts something positive I'll reply to that and say something, however.

In this particular case they'd just bought a new house, she developed an illness, then found out husband was messaging loads of other women sending dick pics. He eventually moved to the other side of the country to live with one of them and they're still together. They deserve each other.

so you need to learn not to care what people think. Frankly in your position I'd just mute/unfollow and if anyone says anything to you (in RL) you say "nope, they're just offloading"

and move on with your life