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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My crush just texted me

50 replies

Stawnie · 15/09/2023 16:24

Writing that subject just transported me about 20 years back but here we are. I'm also not at all proud of any of this

A month ago, I decided as a mum and having been with my partner for 13 years, that I would finally try to put an end to a 4 year infatuation I've had with a much older guy.

Our positive interactions would have me floating on air but my mood would take a nosedive after any interactions I feel went so well. I unfollowed on social media and deleted our entire WhatsApp history. Didn't feel like I should block in case that made it into a bigger issue.

Fast forward today and my heart was racing when I received his message. It was a very casual how are you and I'm yet to reply but I'm not sure what to do. I don't think I'd thought this far ahead! Should I just be as casual as possible?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stawnie · 15/09/2023 16:26

Didn't go so well* sorry. Just go add, nothing has ever actually gone on with us. Nothing to ever imply it was more a romantic relationship. But I often felt I might be having an emotional affair.

OP posts:
OnAir · 15/09/2023 16:26

You should probably think about splitting up with your partner.

RayofSunshine18 · 15/09/2023 16:30

Reverse this scenario. How would you feel if your partner was doing this? That should tell you what you need to do.

Tally00 · 15/09/2023 16:30

4 years is a hell of a crush, I think it's obsession. It's not good for your relationship and if he knew you were this hung up on him I'm sure he wouldn't have text.

DatingDinosaur · 15/09/2023 16:34

I think you should message him back -

"Hi Bob, thanks for the message. The thing is, I've developed a bit of a crush on you which is completely inappropriate because I'm married. I think it's best if we don't correspond for a while. Please don't reply to this message. Take care, Brenda"

Tally00 · 15/09/2023 16:39

DatingDinosaur · 15/09/2023 16:34

I think you should message him back -

"Hi Bob, thanks for the message. The thing is, I've developed a bit of a crush on you which is completely inappropriate because I'm married. I think it's best if we don't correspond for a while. Please don't reply to this message. Take care, Brenda"

No a man will read that as I want to sleep with you but I don't want a relationship because I have a partner.

Original poster
Stawnie · 15/09/2023 17:20

He's noticed I've taken him off social media! Ahhh help! I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
dooneyousmugelf · 15/09/2023 17:24

Just tell him you had a social media clear out and only have close friends and family on there now.

Bookish88 · 15/09/2023 17:28

Stawnie · 15/09/2023 17:20

He's noticed I've taken him off social media! Ahhh help! I have no idea what to say.

Nothing, surely? Your intention was to cut the ties Confused

sunlovingcriminal · 15/09/2023 17:28

Are you likely to see him again? If not, just block, ignore and move on. I am presuming you want to stay with your husband? If so, this is the only sensible thing to do. Like any addiction you need to go cold turkey. And by the sound of your op you've got a crush and become a bit infatuated.

Original poster
Stawnie · 15/09/2023 17:39

I might bump into him. We work at the same big place but run into eachother very sporadically.

OP posts:
sunlovingcriminal · 15/09/2023 17:46

I'd still ignore and block. If you want to stay with your husband I think it's the only respectful thing to do.

If you bump into your old geezer crush, just say that you've had phone glitches, but be breezy and aloof.

And, being kind here, have a word with yourself. If my partner was crushing on another woman in his office, and whatsapping her in his own time, I'd be pissed off, as I'm sure yours would be too.

Gurthnamuckla · 15/09/2023 17:46

What is it he’s offering you that you don’t get elsewhere?

I don’t think a crush necessarily implies there’s anything at all wrong with your marriage, but yours has had more staying power than most…

Original poster
Stawnie · 15/09/2023 18:40

I know. I hate feeling like this. I hoped by wiping our chats and removing from social media, I'd resist the temptation to contact him. It didn't really occur to me he'd get in touch. As far as he's concerned, we're friends, but I didn't think he'd be all that bothered if we just grew apart. I've completely nourished the crush, I enjoyed that buzzy feeling you get with someone you're just not quite sure of their feelings. Once it got so bad a couple of years ago, I had to tell me partner. These days, we just don't talk about

OP posts:
AmazingSnakeHead · 15/09/2023 18:59

I don't think you should reply. The way to handle it is just to acknowledge that this is how you feel. Perhaps you can't even change how you feel. But you CAN change how you act. You can, and should, take pleasure in acting the way that you want to act. See it as a way of overcoming your emotion and displaying mastery over your instincts.

There is a man at work who I find so incredibly breathtakingly attractive that I can't look at him for too long or everyone and everything else in the room starts looking hideous. There was a time where I struggled to have an entire conversation with him. As well as being beautiful, he is also nice, intelligent and funny. I handle it by taking a kind of perverse pleasure in not letting the intense attraction that I feel for him show or get in the way of dealings at work. It's like an exercise in self control. If you do it well enough you can get to the point of deeply admiring them from a detached perspective, while feeling completely safe in the knowledge that you will definitely cross no lines. It's the exact opposite of playing with fire - ignoring fire until it's safe to admire from a distance.

Original poster
Stawnie · 15/09/2023 19:17

Thanks all, some helpful suggestions. I did message back. Very 'yeah good thanks, you?' which is a lot more condensed than usual. He then (maybe) joked about being heartbroken and being driven insane about why I might have removed him. I chickened out and said 'oops, glitch' now he's re-added me and I'm back to square one. Every time I now post something, I'll be thinking in the background that he'll see it. I'm hoping by not engaging in any more conversation and keeping it breezy, it wasn't the worst option.

OP posts:
Fredblog · 15/09/2023 19:17

Bookish88 · 15/09/2023 17:28

Nothing, surely? Your intention was to cut the ties Confused

Show quote history

Exactly.. you are holding on that this will lead somewhere. Ignore!

Daffodil18 · 15/09/2023 19:23

This happened with my ExDH. It escalated and ruined a good relationship, his life, my life and our DC lives. Just think about that if you have a nice life with your DH.

stonedaisy · 15/09/2023 19:40

Sounds like limerence.. and maybe he has it for you too?

Dery · 15/09/2023 19:41

“And, being kind here, have a word with yourself. If my partner was crushing on another woman in his office, and whatsapping her in his own time, I'd be pissed off, as I'm sure yours would be too.”

This. You need to get a grip. It’s quite normal to have the occasional crush on others - the marriage vow to forsake all others would hardly be necessary if people just magically ceased to be attractive when we settle down. It’s completely out of order to nurture that feeling. That is cheating. Remember that your husband with whom you’re going through the daily grind can’t compete with Mr Shiny & New whom you see occasionally at work. Turn it around - if you were married to Mr Shiny & New, it might well be your DH you were crushing on. You’re not back at Square One. Just tell him you’re having a media detox and remove him.

Cupcakekiller · 15/09/2023 19:57

Do you actually love and want to stay with your partner?

AmazingSnakeHead · 15/09/2023 20:00

Your update is funny "thanks everyone for the really helpful advice, I've gone ahead and done the exact opposite of what everyone said"

Original poster
Stawnie · 15/09/2023 20:06

As for my partner, he's a good guy. When I tried to start distancing myself from the older guy though, it was strange how some big problems came to light. My partner isn't very ambitious, he doesn't make plans for us, he seems to have very few interests and he never seemed excited to do a lot. We've come to the conclusion he might need some help with his mental health. Things arent great right now but it doesn't feel nearly bad to go through the emotional and financial strain to leave. Though I'm on more money than him, I don't think I'd afford living alone. Not particularly romantic, but reality. We still have a laugh and he does take care of us, and I do want to help him.

My confidence is quite low so I guess having this attractive older guy pay me a bit of attention has been nice.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/09/2023 20:12

You just dont reply.
And you certainly don't accept the new friend request.

If he does speak to you in person about it, you just say you don't really use social media anymore. If he presses then you literally just walk away 'I have to do something, bye'.

Cupcakekiller · 15/09/2023 21:23

You need to make a decision right now- either stay and commit yourself to improving your relationship or leave and forge a life for yourself and chase your crush later when you're single and settled. Neither option includes your crush in the short term. If you choose to stay and pursue him, only misery lies ahead. I say this as someone who DID start and affair and left my OH a month later, not for OM but because I knew if I felt like that about someone else, it wasn't fair to stay with my ex, for either of us.

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