My crush just texted me

[Stawnie]

Writing that subject just transported me about 20 years back but here we are. I'm also not at all proud of any of this

A month ago, I decided as a mum and having been with my partner for 13 years, that I would finally try to put an end to a 4 year infatuation I've had with a much older guy.

Our positive interactions would have me floating on air but my mood would take a nosedive after any interactions I feel went so well. I unfollowed on social media and deleted our entire WhatsApp history. Didn't feel like I should block in case that made it into a bigger issue.

Fast forward today and my heart was racing when I received his message. It was a very casual how are you and I'm yet to reply but I'm not sure what to do. I don't think I'd thought this far ahead! Should I just be as casual as possible?

Oh my gosh Mr Ambitious at work is using you for a bit of excitement, flirtation and maybe more. Do you really think he likes you enough to blow up his life for you? Doubtful. You are just a naive younger woman in his eyes, most likely.

The lack of confidence makes you an easy target for him. My advice is if you’re unhappy with your partner then leave him, but don’t blow it all up and ruin your relationship for an arrogant, cheating loser like this guy at work. Find some self respect.

I think I’d have mental health problems knowing my partner was obsessed with someone at work too!

I don’t meant to be harsh but I think it really is time to grow up, pull yourself out of this fantasy world that’s slowly destroying your real life and start making a life for yourself that you enjoy.

I really do understand this can't continue. I'm just rubbish at this sort of thing. I get so upset about the idea of hurting someone's feelings. I've never blocked anyone in my life, it feels so brutal. Even being very minimal and only sending one message felt quite harsh. It's the healthy and right thing to do but I am trying to move on from my mistake of letting these feelings grow.

Imagine the hurt of your partner upon finding out about this. If that doesn't actually bother you that much, it probably tells you the relationship is done. You can't have financial security and a safe relationship and excitement and an ego boost, you need to decide.

You seem more worried about upsetting a work acquaintance than you do about potentially upsetting your dp (who already sounds quite fragile).

Sounds like your priorities have been skewed by the ego boost you've had from this older fella showing you some attention.

You really need to work on your self validation!

I dont think you do get upset at the thought of hurting someones feelings tbh. You have a partner and are a texting a man you fancy. Id be devestated if it was me and if you came on here saying your male partner this did, everyone would be calling him a pig and saying LTB. You asked what to do and everybody said 'ignore' and you replied anyway. I feel very sorry for your partner in this situation.

🤦🏻‍♀️

if you were to have an open relationship would that be possible ?

Well, in your case, your partner is dull, unambitious, never makes plans, isn’t ever excited about anything, is unromantic, and you think has MH problems — you’re mostly staying with him because you think it would be financially difficult to separate. No wonder you’re trying to distract yourself from this sea of dull with a crush. Your relationship sounds dead in the water. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

What's with all of these powderpuff responses?

You are having an emotional affair with another man. You are cheating.

Your partner deserves better. If you aren't happy with him, end it.

Giving an alternative here, but what if he is the one for you? Do you want to leave your husband? Are you ready for what that might entail and look like?

Maybe ask your partner how you should respond?! 🤷‍♀️

What nonsense. The OP is keeping herself going mentally by inventing a fantasy life with some much older, blameless randomer she occasionally sees at work, and whose text interactions sound completely innocuous.

But I often felt I might be having an emotional affair.

These are the op's words. She knows damn well her involvement with this other man has crossed a line.

There's nothing innocuous about it. She is allowing these "interactions" with this man from dealing with her relationship issues which her partner appropriately. This is not fantasy.

Yes, I saw that, but absolutely nothing she’s said suggests anything of the kind. Plus Mn has a bee in its bonnet about what would be ordinary conversation if it were a female friend being an ‘emotional affair’ if it’s with a man. This guy keeps her trudging along in a dead marriage she’s determined not to leave. It sounds to me as though she should end her marriage, though I suspect she wouldn’t fall into the arms of her colleague — he’s just mental fodder to keep her going.

This!

Geez, you can just unfollow, or even pick him out as someone not to receive posts. He won't even know, he just won't get them. You seem a tad dramatic.

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Can we go back to when you answered everything with “All the best OP”

But I often thought I might be having an emotional affair.

Absolutely.

@Stawnie, things were so intense 2 years ago that you told your Partner, yet instead of shutting it down, you continued to invest in the infatuation and illicit relationship. The EA continued and has controlled your moods, damaging your relationship with P and your family life.

It’s hard to believe that when you finally decided to distance, you really didn’t consider that the OM would question where his cake went. All it took for you to cave was a flirty message from him, so your commitment to change appears questionable.

@Stawnie, years ago, your P trusted you to cease the infidelity, but you continued to humiliate him by reaching out to and interacting with this man. You have the agency and power to act definitively, with integrity. Cut this off and focus your energy on your relationship with P.

Definitely limerence. Been through this, wasted 7 years, suffocating myself and my life for someone who, looking back now, was nothing special. My fault entirely.
it’s a delusional fantasy, and it stems down to lack of self worth and confidence.
I would advise muting any chats and busying yourself with bettering your home life and taking on activities. However much you may enjoy the buzz that comes from thinking about them, try not to. Channel your energy to those around you.

I think you need to decide how important your relationship is. If you want it to work with your partner then you need to put his feelings first. You need to block and delete this other man and try your hardest to move on.
It’s completely normal to find others attractive when in a relationship but it’s how you act on it that’s important. You’ve already said you’re worried this is turning into an emotional affair and the fact you’re so concerned about this other man’s feelings lead me to believe it’s already there.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship and feeling the need for attention and affection then change something in your relationship. Work with your partner to get him the help he needs and see if anything improves. Try put more attention and affection in and see if it’s returned by your partner.

Is this other man single or is he also in a relationship? Does he know you have a partner?

I think you need to take a step back and put yourself in your partners position. How would you feel if he was talking to another woman, for it to be going on a long time and for him to be pretty much consumed by it? You’d be hurt and confused. Sorry op but you’re the one who’s damaging your relationship here.

You are basically using him for financial reasons while enjoying your flirtation elsewhere. The faults of your partner that you list - this is what everyone who has an affair does. It's part of the script.

I'd only had a couple of responses last night by the time I decided to message back, then received a barrage of 'ignore, get a grip' (fair enough). Chatted with my best friend last night and he knows all involved and I feel more confident going forward that I will certainly not start any conversations with him, I should be able to mostly avoid him at work albeit the odd occasion every couple of months and he is not worth blowing everything up for. He is very much the eternally single man due to the 'crazy ex girlfriends' which is a red flag in itself.

I worry that all the blocking stuff builds it up into a bigger issue, when maybe it's best to find strength in handling the crush like a PP mentioned.

Good for you. It honestly will not be worth it. Work on your relationship at home for the sake of your DC.

@Stawnie no you don't worry about the blocking stuff in that way. You worry about it because then it really is the end. No more texting. When you are ready to take that step you know you are in control. I know several women like this who say they won't block and guess what? Yup they are still hanging on waiting for the breadcrumbs in their marriages which they pretend to everyone else on FB are wonderful. If only their husbands knew.

He then (maybe) joked about being heartbroken and being driven insane about why I might have removed him.

He's not genuinely heartbroken, he just wanted you to confirm that he is so very special to you that you can't possibly remove him from your life like his "crazy" exes did.