Has my marriage ran its course? 😞

[Navigatingissohard]

My DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.

When we got married his family, particularly my MIL and one of her daughters; were an absolute nightmare for our marriage, along with his two younger (a teenager and an adult) sisters who were awful towards us. His father and brother were no issue in comparison over all.

They (mainly MIL and minion in tow) collectively tried to ruin our marriage out of pure jealousy, envy and competition. I basically got the in laws everyone dreads.

My Dh is the only son and genuinly saw how much effort I had made towards his family, and how awful they were being towards me and us and decided to do the right thing and back me.

I won't detail what in laws did! I'd need the whole internet for it! All classic nightmare in law behaviour including elder SIL and MIL tag teaming fiercely against me but then being nicey nice in front of DH, until he started calling them out on what he could see for himself, and they turned on him too!

Fast forward we decided it was best for me to go nc (yes it was that bad), while he maintained an arms length relationship with them. This went on for a year. We have our own home and no children (we don't want kids).

I decided to forgive them and rebuild an amicable relationship with them, only for them to find it difficult to 'behave', so we decided it really (although not ideal) is best for our marriage to be protected, and soI don't mingle with them anymore. Same issues of jealousy, tag teaming and sarcasm - stemming from their jealousy of our marriage because they really are in compromised marriages including my MIL, where misogyny is the foundation. My marriage is the opposite where we really do do things together in whichever way is best for us both.

Fast forward, it took my dh and I alot of effort to heal, and we're still healing. Each of us has expressed at various stages over the last 3 years (the family dramas started almost immediately after we got married) that we weren't in a good place mentally and weren't sure we wanted to be in the marriage - we went from a loving respectful relationship where we doted on each other for years consistently (yes we had arguments - but couple arguments, nothing remotely toxic) to being disrespectful and misplaced anger and hurt. It's just been such a long ride, and we didn't get a honeymoon period at all.

We've constantly tried to repair ourselves and our marriage, and while we've come a long way, our ways of talking to each other when we have a huge row every couple of months (which usually starts from a petty thing) are still there... these ways include quick escalated anger and disrespect in tone, language and dismissiveness etc which we both recognise and equally loath in ourselves - we're really not like that in nature and weren't in our relationship before his family happened. But there's no denying this is who we've become :(

We had a terrible row last night and I feel so hurt and defeated. The last few months were the longest we'd gone without this type of big argument, and I really hoped we'd turned a new page, because we sat down and unpicked it all and we'd even set ourselves weekly 'red table talk' to talk out any pressing (not urgent) issues and generally to touch base to see where we're at, and it really was the breath of fresh air we both needed.

I hate who I've become and I know he does too about himself. I'm just at that point where I feel broken and I know he does too. It's breaking my heart to think our marriage can't outgrow the negative impact his family had on our marriage and us as people, and I loathe them for it. But they're less my issue.

I just feel so much anguish and pain. It's hurting my heart and I feel 💔 over losing what we'd built and who we were 😔

My husband is a good man and I'm a good woman to him, and we're always when we're in our normal day to day life, prioritising each other and really caring for one another and just in a good place overall, and these days really make us both feel like all is not lost and we're still us, not fully, but getting there.

But moments like this (the rows and nastiness) really set us back together and individually, and I just don't know what to do. I'm hurting for me, him and us.

I'm just left really questioning is there too much water under the bridge for us to actually repair, and these changed people that we have become; is it possible to not necessarily go back to who we were, but move forward and enjoy a healthy married life?

We can't afford counselling, and we'd rather not get family and friends involved. His family are obviously not an option, mine would get so hurt (they dote on DH and our marriage), and all of our friends have in law dramas of some nature.

I guess I need a little female reassurance, and handholding 😔 because it really would destroy DH and I to end our marriage! Just the thought of it really cuts deep.

*Dhs brother is a step son, but their family dynamics are such that DH is treated and pretty much could be the only son

Please don't give up on your marriage. It sounds like you have a very loving and caring relationship. I was going to suggest counselling for you but I see that you cannot afford that. What about relate? I am pretty sure that is free.

What are your rows about? Is there a general theme?

I think you shouldn't give up on your Marriage. Your husband has shown massive dedication to you by going against his family. It takes real courage albeit the right thing to do for a man who also is the only son, to stand up against his parents and siblings to defend you and your marriage.

If you read across these forums, you see alot of women that complain that their husbands do not stand up against the in laws.

Kudos to you and your husband for making it thus far, and I think you still have alot of love and strength for each other to get through this also.

I don't really want to unpick at detail that doesn't really serve a purpose other than to possibly entertain curiosity. I did mention for clarity, that the reasons are petty, and feel that's sufficient enough for context.

Don't give up on your marriage! My family turned out to be the worst in laws for my DH that you can imagine. I mean really awful. We made it through!

Thank you ❤️ we really do. We were both in long term relationships before we got together, both came together with all cards on deck, and have built our relationship on open communication (no matter how difficult or awkward the issue/topic) and genuine and sincere love and care for one another, and while we're not perfect by any stretch, we really are not bad people and maintain efforts to be good people in ourselves and then to each other ❤️ thank you for your comment. I really needed the hand holding.

I'm feeling a bit better now. We angry talked it out and reached a place of 'this is an argument and we're still in a good place as a couple, and miles away from that mindset and thoughts of questioning if we still have enough to give to want us'.

I guess we each for a while carried the insecurity that the other would run out of fuel and throw the towel in. And because our new ways have only been effective over the last few months, I guess it's very easy for those 'old' insecurities to resurface.

Awee 🥲 thank you for this! Made me feel wholesome ♥️

And as much as I don't feel 'lucky' that he did the right thing, because it is the right thing to do, I am eternally grateful (and he knows this explicitly through my gratitude verbally) that I have one of the few men who stood by me and us, and really hope that we can grown old and grey together.

Thank you for your kind words ♥️ felt like a heartfelt hug 🫂

Thank you for your comment. And well wishes for your marriage. So pleased to read you made it through ♥️

As common as nightmare in laws are, I'll never actually understand the lengths people can go to, to punish a happy marriage of one of their own!

I think you need ti separate the in-laws and your marriage.

Your in-laws are what they are.

Not sure why they turned nasty after knowing you as a couple for 4 years.
Most likely its not because of some jealousy between them and you.

But it doesn't matter.

The sort of arguments with your H you are describing - sound like something is wrong. People are like that when there are underlying resentments that aren’t resolved. .
Its unlikely that your marriage was as perfect you seem to imagine it used
to be. It doesn’t gp from that to regular toxic arguments. Not without some changes in the marriage - often - kids change the dynamics.

So - i do think you need to get to the bottom of what the actual underlying issues are. Rather than resolve the arguments about the trivial things.

No amount of agreeing to listen more; not argue; be respectful; etc - would remove the resentment fuelling these in the first place.

Most typical issues in marriages leading to resentments are: sex; money; unfair distribution of effort; lack of affection or appreciation; lack of respect. I am sure there is more…

But to reiterate - its not your in-laws fault you are arguing. Thinking that only distracts you from addressing the actual issues.

'Its unlikely that your marriage was as perfect you seem to imagine it used
to be' - well isn't that a royal nasty perspective to project? Believe it or not, loving, caring and wholesome relationships exist. I have one. Sorry that you are so negative.

However, respectfully, I wasn't asking for a pompous validation of my understanding of my relationship and marriage as you have so insensitivity written. I'm certainly experienced enough to understand my own marriage. What I think of my in laws and quality of the foundation of my marriage, was not the question thank you very much!

How you've taken such a negative and cold perspective on my post; it doesn't befit me to unpick and understand it, without entering a pointless back and fourth.

Your post seems like such a generic A B C response and adds no bearing on my post. Maybe stick to commenting on posts you can relate too, and have more empathy, instead of telling a person content in the quality of their marriage, that maybe their marriage is shit. I mean. Thank God I'm not an impressionable 21 year old.

I wasn't being nosy, just asking if there was a theme to your disagreements then that needs tackling.

I think that’s pretty key. I don’t think you need to tell us, but unpicking it on here if you can’t afford counselling and can’t speak to family or friends might be useful. However, obviously up to you.

You don’t see his family anymore, does he? That might be a sticking point if they’re still pouring poison about you into his ear.

@Cherrysoup it is key because you say these arguments are so brutal that they leave you both feeling very low and unable to carry on. You don't need to tell us but even if the external triggers seem to be trivial, there is obviously some very deep underlying hurt bubbling away for you both which needs unpicking.

'We can't afford counseling' it could
Be a great investment if you can beg steal or borrow cash for this I would really prioritize it over other expenses

I’m not the OP.

Look at how much a divorce would cost you. At least spend that on relate counselling op. Before you give up. Your happiness is worth the investment now. You can get marriage counselling subsidised. Totally worth it if it makes you both happy, I'd have thought.

I agree with this. The thing about the underlying resentments is spot on imo.

'Its unlikely that your marriage was as perfect you seem to imagine it used
to be' - well isn't that a royal nasty perspective to project? Believe it or not, loving, caring and wholesome relationships exist. I have one. Sorry that you are so negative.

This response is really strange, op. You've come on here saying you're actually thinking you're at the end of your marriage but now saying it's loving and wholesome and are offended when a commenter suggests fault lines to look for. You come across defensive and patronising at the same time, but you've come on here asking for advice.

I actually agree whole heartedly with @MMmomDD .

Of course we know loving and wholesome relationships exist. I'm in one - my dh and I genuinely don't have big rows (about petty things or otherwise) because we've got no underlying resentments. If either of us is annoyed about something, which is rare, we say it, and the other person agrees, or explains why we don't agree and it gets resolved without anger. We know that the other person is fair. We happily tolerate each other's faults and habits etc so there's rarely anything to even argue about.

You blaming your in laws for your marital arguments is a red herring, based on what you've described. You've said your dh agrees they're toxic and that they've have mistreated you. So your arguments aren't about them or because of them.

You may still have underlying resentment about them, though, which is the point we're making.

There must also be something your dh is resentful about and that's why the petty problems are flashpoints for arguments.

Re-reading your latest comment op, I'm baffled how you could accuse that commenter of being pompous or insensitive. I thought it was a sympathetic and helpful comment, and it makes sense. Everyone on here is suggesting ways of examining your marriage to help mend it.

You can't on the one hand be having lots of arguments and thinking that your marriage may be over, while at the same time getting very defensive and angry and accusatory at someone suggesting ways of mending problems in your marriage, because you feel there aren't any. That doesn't make sense.

I think other posters are right in perceiving that his family are irrelevant to your marriage issues. I am sure it is hard to hear this but I honestly think that if you want to save your marriage you need to look inside it for the source of, and the solution to, your problems.

Your in-laws are not responsible for how you and he talk to one another. The fact that you are trying to externalise the blame and responsibility for your marital difficulties may be the reason they currently seem impossible to solve.

When you truly confront this reality, that you and he are the ones responsible for your marital difficulties, the way forward may appear. I wish you all the best.

@Mummy08m Re-reading your latest comment op, I'm baffled how you could accuse that commenter of being pompous or insensitive. I thought it was a sympathetic and helpful comment, and it makes sense. Everyone on here is suggesting ways of examining your marriage to help mend it.

You can't on the one hand be having lots of arguments and thinking that your marriage may be over, while at the same time getting very defensive and angry and accusatory at someone suggesting ways of mending problems in your marriage, because you feel there aren't any. That doesn't make sense.

This ☝️

Yes, your marriage has run its course.

The two people in it are arguing and unhappy.

I think if these rows are such that you are considering ending the marriage, you can’t afford NOT to have counselling. A divorce would put you both in a financially worse position, quite apart from the emotional fall out. I don’t know how you expect anyone here to help without giving any examples of how you fall into this pattern of hurtful rows but you need to explore it with someone neutral and find a better way to disagree. It sounds like there is a lot of good stuff there and it’s worth putting the money and the work in to save the relationship.

Mmmmm. Unfortunately OP I'm another one who thought that @MMmomDD's post was extremely insightful and spot on. They were just trying to help you identify a root cause. It's very easy to blame your inlaws, but from your description of events it sounds like there's something else going on here.

I'm absolutely baffled how you have taken such offence at MMmomDD's comments - there's literally nothing at all there which warranted such an aggressive response from you...

You don't need to tell us the answer, but maybe have a think about what it was that made you feel so defensive. It might be the key to unravelling what's going on.