Has my marriage ran its course? 😞

[Navigatingissohard]

My DH and I have been together 7 years and married 3.

When we got married his family, particularly my MIL and one of her daughters; were an absolute nightmare for our marriage, along with his two younger (a teenager and an adult) sisters who were awful towards us. His father and brother were no issue in comparison over all.

They (mainly MIL and minion in tow) collectively tried to ruin our marriage out of pure jealousy, envy and competition. I basically got the in laws everyone dreads.

My Dh is the only son and genuinly saw how much effort I had made towards his family, and how awful they were being towards me and us and decided to do the right thing and back me.

I won't detail what in laws did! I'd need the whole internet for it! All classic nightmare in law behaviour including elder SIL and MIL tag teaming fiercely against me but then being nicey nice in front of DH, until he started calling them out on what he could see for himself, and they turned on him too!

Fast forward we decided it was best for me to go nc (yes it was that bad), while he maintained an arms length relationship with them. This went on for a year. We have our own home and no children (we don't want kids).

I decided to forgive them and rebuild an amicable relationship with them, only for them to find it difficult to 'behave', so we decided it really (although not ideal) is best for our marriage to be protected, and soI don't mingle with them anymore. Same issues of jealousy, tag teaming and sarcasm - stemming from their jealousy of our marriage because they really are in compromised marriages including my MIL, where misogyny is the foundation. My marriage is the opposite where we really do do things together in whichever way is best for us both.

Fast forward, it took my dh and I alot of effort to heal, and we're still healing. Each of us has expressed at various stages over the last 3 years (the family dramas started almost immediately after we got married) that we weren't in a good place mentally and weren't sure we wanted to be in the marriage - we went from a loving respectful relationship where we doted on each other for years consistently (yes we had arguments - but couple arguments, nothing remotely toxic) to being disrespectful and misplaced anger and hurt. It's just been such a long ride, and we didn't get a honeymoon period at all.

We've constantly tried to repair ourselves and our marriage, and while we've come a long way, our ways of talking to each other when we have a huge row every couple of months (which usually starts from a petty thing) are still there... these ways include quick escalated anger and disrespect in tone, language and dismissiveness etc which we both recognise and equally loath in ourselves - we're really not like that in nature and weren't in our relationship before his family happened. But there's no denying this is who we've become :(

We had a terrible row last night and I feel so hurt and defeated. The last few months were the longest we'd gone without this type of big argument, and I really hoped we'd turned a new page, because we sat down and unpicked it all and we'd even set ourselves weekly 'red table talk' to talk out any pressing (not urgent) issues and generally to touch base to see where we're at, and it really was the breath of fresh air we both needed.

I hate who I've become and I know he does too about himself. I'm just at that point where I feel broken and I know he does too. It's breaking my heart to think our marriage can't outgrow the negative impact his family had on our marriage and us as people, and I loathe them for it. But they're less my issue.

I just feel so much anguish and pain. It's hurting my heart and I feel 💔 over losing what we'd built and who we were 😔

My husband is a good man and I'm a good woman to him, and we're always when we're in our normal day to day life, prioritising each other and really caring for one another and just in a good place overall, and these days really make us both feel like all is not lost and we're still us, not fully, but getting there.

But moments like this (the rows and nastiness) really set us back together and individually, and I just don't know what to do. I'm hurting for me, him and us.

I'm just left really questioning is there too much water under the bridge for us to actually repair, and these changed people that we have become; is it possible to not necessarily go back to who we were, but move forward and enjoy a healthy married life?

We can't afford counselling, and we'd rather not get family and friends involved. His family are obviously not an option, mine would get so hurt (they dote on DH and our marriage), and all of our friends have in law dramas of some nature.

I guess I need a little female reassurance, and handholding 😔 because it really would destroy DH and I to end our marriage! Just the thought of it really cuts deep.

Saying this as you mention that counseling is too expensive, so here is where our counseling experience taught us (and did help us). Marriage is work, and it sounds as though you do love him and appreciate him, hopefully he does the same for you. The things we were told at the start is to spend at least an hour a week, talking about how you feel, book it in advance, think about what you want to say. What’s worrying, troubling, upsetting you, but also what you appreciate about the other person, what attracted you to them, what makes you grateful for them. We were asked to read the love languages book, which I thought would be awful but actually was quite insightful and helped me understand that I don’t think the same as my husband, and maybe helped a bit there. when you’re fighting it makes the other person less defensive if you way “this happened and it made me feel X” vs “you did this”, bringing how you feel in makes it less about attacking them and more about considering your feelings. Hope any of that helps x

I'm certainly experienced enough to understand my own marriage.....

Believe it or not, loving, caring and wholesome relationships exist. I have one....

Then WHY are you on a public thread questionining your marriage?!. The second someone gives you a response not completely backing and handholding, you just lash out, get defensive and rude. Maybe this is your issue? You got an honest impartial answer from someone who doesnt know you, didnt choose a side and is going off what you've said to them...same as you would with therapy. The reply was spot on and offered some very good advice IMO

You can't on the one hand be having lots of arguments and thinking that your marriage may be over, while at the same time getting very defensive and angry and accusatory at someone suggesting ways of mending problems in your marriage, because you feel there aren't any. That doesn't make sense

This

Your posts are quite tense and almost over thinking every interaction. Marriage is work yes, but there are times when you both need to let it go. I wouldn't like red table conversations every week of this intensity (nor do we have the time).

Are you suggesting I am @MMmomDD ..?! I'm a very prolific mumsnetter who's been here for years and I'm all over the Pregnancy, Parenting, Relationships, FWR forums.

Honestly don't know what's made you so angry but I hope you get things sorted with your husband.

@MMmomDD 's post was spot on and your response was spectacularly rude to someone who took the time to try to help, OP.

I also agree with the PP that said that the in-law issues are a red herring. There is either underlying resentment that you need to get to the bottom of or you need a lot of help with your communication. If you don't want to unpick your marriage, it won't get any better.

@Mummy08m
I think you weee probably responding mea the OP’s deleted outburst?

I think the way she is being here - it is not difficult to understand why she’d be having marital problems. (And separately - why she couldn't get along with in-laws)

Hope they end this mystery. No all marriages should be saved.

Ah yes it was just that op thought we might be the same person with a name change!

Anyway op has now said she is "content with the quality of her marriage" so I guess this thread has become redundant for her.

Personally I wouldn't be content with constant arguments in my marriage and I'd do what I can to try and resolve the problems.

@Mummy08m
Yes - i had to take a double take too…lol

Anyway. I think the reason the marriage
went from what OP described as some idyllic perfection - to a place that appears toxic - is actually simple.
Her H most likely stopped going along with her perception of reality - where his family were after them for being so perfect…
He started realising what sort of person he married, and possibly regretted what it has done to his relationship with his family.

I guess we don't have enough info really!

I do think marriages can evolve and get better though so all is not lost generally. I was with my dh (as bf) for about 8y before we got married and we had all sorts of big problems. Then we got married and as part of that we got offered marriage classes. They are fantastic I'd recommend them to everyone. It was all about listening, being open to admitting fault, and operating on a basis of assuming the other person's intentions are good. Obviously we don't know much about op, only a few posts to go on, but I'd recommend them to her (and all couples tbh).

I'd LOVE to hear the in laws side.