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Original poster

I’ve just discovered that DH has a shitload of credit card debt 😲😲

103 replies

0lga · 15/09/2023 00:32

I will try to explain properly but I’m just reeling in shock.

We are in the process of separating and divorcing, he has already moved out. He left boxes of stuff, old clothes in bin bags etc for me to dispose of (that’s typical of him, he still thinks I’m his servant). I shoved them in a cupboard and ignored them, until this week when I started to sort them out to take to the recycling.

Among all the rubbish I found bags of old bank statements and I’ve just spent hours going through them. I’ve discovered that ever since we got married, he has been spending a huge amount of money on credit card payments . I’m talking about £30,000 a year 😡😡😡

To put this in context, we had a good income of about £ 90,000 net between us. I earn about £30,000 and he earns about £60,000. So we are comfortable, can pay the bills, run a car, go abroad each year on holiday, pay a good amount into our pensions etc. I thought the only debt we had was our mortgage, which is nearly paid off.

( These aren’t the exact figures BTW, I’ve just rounded things to make it easier to talk about ).

It turns out he has been lying to me for our whole marriage - in fact he earns £90,000 not £60,000 and has been spending the difference on about a dozen credit cards. I don’t have the card statements, only his bank statements, so I don’t know what he’s spent it on.

He’s always been very secretive about money. I’ve never seen any of his own financial details, we both get our salaries paid into our own accounts and then pay into a joint account which we use for all the bills and we’ve always had enough , so it was never an issue IYSWIM.

And now I know why the bastard has been so secretive. I’m absolutely raging, I can’t get over how much money this is that he’s thrown away.

Im assuming that he’s paying off old debts, as the payments for each card are pretty much identical each month. But I know fuck all about credit cards - I have only one which I hardly every use and if I do I pay it off in full by DD each month. So my payments are different amounts each month.

I just can’t compute that he’s paying roughly the same than I earn each year and the debt doesn’t seem to go away. And he’s been doing this for nearly 20 years !!!

I have no idea how he got into this debt but I can see he had it when we got married.

And I’ve even less idea why he has gone on buying himself new cars every few years and the newest iPhone / MacBook when he has all this debt. It makes zero sense to me.

There’s no point in asking him, he will refuse to discuss it and walk out. Or just lie to my face , like he did about his affair. Even when I had cast iron proof.

He was still swearing on his kids life that she was “ just a colleague “ and telling me that I was paranoid when she had already admitted to me that it had been going on for years.

So we are not exactly on speaking terms before this.

Please help me, I want to kill him 🤬

OP posts:
CliffsofMohair · 15/09/2023 07:02

Forensic accountant if you have the funds for it?

Soontobe60 · 15/09/2023 07:16

0lga · 15/09/2023 02:45

I know( hope ) I’m probably not liable for the debt.

But he’s wasted £600,000 of our money on it - why would I not care about it ? That’s a phenomenal amount of money to me !

I’ve been paying a third ( actually a bit more ) of all our bills for twenty years because I earn a third of our income. Except I don’t.

I had to use up some of my savings to pay for my maternity leave because he couldn’t afford to pay the bills himself . Except he could if he wasn’t paying £2,500 / month on debts .

Ive used up more of my savings to pay for work on the house that he couldn’t afford to . Expect he could .

most of my money has gone on “ us “ - Running our house and kids. The house that he will get half of.

most of his money has gone on him , his personal spends and his debts.

I’ve been subsidising him for years as well as doing 90% of all the parenting and housework.

Cant you see why this is an issue for me @Whatswhatwhichiswhich ?

Show quote history

No, he’s wasted £600k of HIS money.
You both agreed how much needed to be paid into your joint account in order to fund your comfortable lifestyle. Presumably that meant neither of you had to account to each other what you spent your own remaining money on. You don’t think he’s actually bought much with these credit cards over the years, so he’s been juggling them and got himself into a right mess.
However, it’s not impacted on your standard of living, he’s paid a lot into his pension - which will ultimately benefit you when it comes to the financial settlement - so you have to let this go for your own sanity.
Keep the bank statements for your own evidence, get the financial order sorted asap and see what comes up.

Superlambaanana · 15/09/2023 07:37

This is horrendous. Such a breach of trust! So sorry you're facing this.

My tuppence is this - you can't see what the cards were used to buy, but I assume you can see they had large balances? Is it definitely historic debt? Are there any other possibilities here?

Given the breach of trust and affair, it seems unlikely it's benign whatever it is. But it could be something else that you need to know about in order to make fair financial arrangements as part of your split.

For example, is it possible he was making payments to someone else each month and channeling it through a card so it didn't show up on his bank statement?

Auntieobem · 15/09/2023 07:45

If you haven't seen the credit card statements how do you know he has debt? Might be using cards for regular purchase and then paying off?

FatLarrysBanned · 15/09/2023 07:52

Is he quite financially astute generally? Sounds like he could be stoozing, rather than spending the credit card money.

What is stoozing?

PaminaMozart · 15/09/2023 08:04

I would ask your solicitor whether it would be advisable to get a forensic accountant involved.

Also, make sure you get a fair share of his pension(s).

Lastly, check your credit file. Just in case he has also opened CC accounts in your name.

Calmdown14 · 15/09/2023 08:06

I'd look on the plus side. This is all personal debt and you didn't find out about it during your marriage so didn't try and help him clear it by sacrificing your money.

The fact he earns more than you think means you definitely need to see his pension pot.

It does seem kind of a shame that this has clearly hung over him a very long time. I suspect he's paying it in very inefficient ways that mean he's paying off very little of the balance.

MelWPip · 15/09/2023 08:12

I would check your credit record on Experian to make sure there is nothing in joint names or impacting your credit score.

I speak from experience - my father ran up a huge amount of debt and some was in my mothers name which only came to light when they divorced and it was a bloody mess to sort out

Hibiscrubbed · 15/09/2023 08:19

0lga · 15/09/2023 02:45

I know( hope ) I’m probably not liable for the debt.

But he’s wasted £600,000 of our money on it - why would I not care about it ? That’s a phenomenal amount of money to me !

I’ve been paying a third ( actually a bit more ) of all our bills for twenty years because I earn a third of our income. Except I don’t.

I had to use up some of my savings to pay for my maternity leave because he couldn’t afford to pay the bills himself . Except he could if he wasn’t paying £2,500 / month on debts .

Ive used up more of my savings to pay for work on the house that he couldn’t afford to . Expect he could .

most of my money has gone on “ us “ - Running our house and kids. The house that he will get half of.

most of his money has gone on him , his personal spends and his debts.

I’ve been subsidising him for years as well as doing 90% of all the parenting and housework.

Cant you see why this is an issue for me @Whatswhatwhichiswhich ?

Show quote history

Yes. I can. I would be absolutely seething.

Couple it with the lies and the gaslighting over the affair, and I would be out to destroy him. Totally. I’d want him burned to the ground.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 15/09/2023 08:38

No, he’s wasted £600k of HIS money.

You both agreed how much needed to be paid into your joint account in order to fund your comfortable lifestyle.

Based on an understanding of both of their earnings, which was a lie.

They split bills proportionally - except the proportions are wrong because he earns three times as much as Op, not double. So she's been proportionally carrying a higher financial burden and carrying the burden of home life.

Of course being 30k down a year has affected their standard of living as a family, and also Op personally because if he'd been paying in fairly, she'd have had more expendable income for herself even if their finances are split rather than pooled.

Nonimai · 15/09/2023 08:39

You are thinking this is debt when actually this could well be investments. People pay through credit cards for all sorts of perks from airmiles, to cash back. Clearly he has been living a double life and whether that means he has been siphoning off income as his own personal nest- egg, or whether he has bought another house -this is still a family asset and you are entitles to half of it.

MsRosley · 15/09/2023 08:49

You need to find out where this money has gone, OP, because it might lead to hidden assets he wants to keep out of the divorce.

PetiteNasturtium · 15/09/2023 08:53

As he has been having an affair for years some of that has probably gone on leading a double life though the actual debt was initially accrued before your marriage. My sister is a Mistress, I am NC with her now because of this. He used to take her on his business trips, he bought her a car, all sorts.

ButterCrackers · 15/09/2023 08:55

Keep all the papers. Put them in date order. Photo them to have a copies. Get legal advice.

Caterina99 · 15/09/2023 08:56

That’s a hell of a lot to be paying on cards with effectively nothing to show for it. And on such a high income too.

Agree with other posters - Is he generally good with money? Because that’s either a serious addiction habit, or he’s deliberately using credit cards to fund financial transactions and he could have a whole other house or share portfolio hidden somewhere.

sosickofthisshit · 15/09/2023 09:23

This sounds to me as if he was stoozing, and not actually running up debt. It was all the rage years ago when savings account interest rates were high.

mummymeister · 15/09/2023 09:33

I will honest because to me this sounds like the tip of an iceberg. this is the stuff that was so insignificant as far as he was concerned that he left it and didnt bother to clean up his financial mess. what would worry me is where is this money and what has he spent it on. Or more to the point, where has he invested it and saved it. look its clear that when it comes to financial transparency in the divorce he isnt going to be so you need to dig deeper and harder now. as others have said he told you he earned 60k a year when its more like 100k maybe even more who knows.

stay mad at him, hold onto this rage and use it to get a fair and decent settlement for you and your children. the betrayal is just awful. the thought that you were living some sort of half life without all the facts for all these years is just cruel and horrible. but you have to move on from that. and you have to make sure you account for every single penny he now has including pensions, offshore the lot. i second a forensic accountant in your case it might be financially worth it.

caringcarer · 15/09/2023 09:50

I just can't get my head around how he could keep this from you for years and years. He's a cheat, and a con man and you're going to be so better off without him. Just wow.

GoryBory · 15/09/2023 09:56

I completely understand why you’re so angry as for me it would be the lies that would have ended the relationship if you weren’t already separating.

But I have to see it from his POV

He accumulated this debt before you were together and probably thought he could sort it without you worrying.
As time has gone on, the interest keeps going up and he’s only chipping away at them bit by bit and not making much difference.

There was probably never a right time to tell you about this debt as he wasn’t honest about it in the beginning and therefore he felt missed his chance.

He’s paying £30k off a year to try and clear them, which he’d have to do whether you knew about them or not. So you haven’t lost out on hundreds of thousand of pounds over the years.

He’s been contributing double the amount you have. Yes if he didn’t have this debt it would have been triple, but he does have this debt.

If you had been contributing more than him or struggling for money then I’d see why you’re so annoyed that he’s not been honest about his income. But the only reason he’s not been honest was to use the money to clear the debt.

He’s been an absolute idiot but I wouldn’t let myself get worked up about this.
The relationship is over and so just focus on yourself and future.

I do not believe this is your debt if it was from before you were married and you were unaware of it so I’d take it to court if he tries saying it is your problem.

TrashedSofa · 15/09/2023 10:07

0lga · 15/09/2023 01:46

I’ve already sent an email to my solicitor giving her all the details, I’ve spent hours going through at the statements, putting them in order, working out how much money it is and seeing the pattern in how he pays off some and then borrows a lump sum and pays off another.

i hope I’m not liable as he had all this debt when he met me. He’s not mentioned it at all in the divorce so far , but it’s early days.

I don’t know what has possessed him. I can understand how you can have debt if you are really hard up, if you have an emergency or your circumstances change, get ill, lose your job etc. but I don’t understand how anyone who earns as much as he does can have this debt for so long.

why the fuck is he paying so much into his pension while he has a big debt ??? I don’t understand what he is thinking.

In your favour, pensions are an asset that you could get a share of as part of the divorce. So that part isn't so bad.

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 15/09/2023 10:15

Are you sure this is a debt? Who is paying £30k per year for 20 years on a debt? That would mean he’d taken out more than £600k in loans! Is that even possible with his salary? Or if he’s spending £30k on credit cards every year - why? Why consistently that amount and why can’t he tell you. I think you need to find out where this money has been going. I’d say he’s either being keeping secret savings/investments and hiding these assets from you or he has a second family/a child you don’t know about. The fact he’s lied about his salary means he pre-empted the fact that he needs to spend £30k per year, every year and that he can’t tell you about it. That sounds like a pre-existing agreement with someone/for something. To the posters saying it doesn’t matter what he’s spent it on, it kind of does if he’s hiding £600k worth of marital assets from you.

Original poster
0lga · 15/09/2023 10:18

sosickofthisshit · 15/09/2023 09:23

This sounds to me as if he was stoozing, and not actually running up debt. It was all the rage years ago when savings account interest rates were high.

I see that several of you have said he could be have been using this to buy assets. I did suspect this at first but if that was the case, would the bills be the same every month ?

How can I find out if he was using this money to buy assets and if so, where are they ?

Those of you who say that he will hid money ( like pensions ) are correct. He’s already doing this - the amount of pension has has disclosed so far don’t match up with what he told me he has.

OP posts:
sosickofthisshit · 15/09/2023 10:24

0lga · 15/09/2023 10:18

I see that several of you have said he could be have been using this to buy assets. I did suspect this at first but if that was the case, would the bills be the same every month ?

How can I find out if he was using this money to buy assets and if so, where are they ?

Those of you who say that he will hid money ( like pensions ) are correct. He’s already doing this - the amount of pension has has disclosed so far don’t match up with what he told me he has.

Show quote history

Yeah the payments would be same, as the whole point of stoozing would be to make the minimum payment until the 0% offer runs out, to maximise the money made in the high interest savings account.
I think you would need to employ a forensic account to trace all the accounts he has or has had. Savings accounts don't come up on credit reports, and with online statements they are very easy to hide.

outdooryone · 15/09/2023 10:25

What an awful discovery on top of his affair.

I agree with others about a double check that you are not liable for any of this. Moneysavingexpert Credit Club gives you a free detailed credit check - you can find what financial accounts you have in your name.

If there are any in your name that you have not agreed or fully aware of, that is fraud and you should involved the police.

The further matter is around you and the family being lied to about the income and debts - which has ended up with you contributing more than you though was a fair and agreed share into what is a shared set of assets. I personally would speak to your solicitor about this and ask how this lying/fraud within a relationship could affect your divorce settlement.

outdooryone · 15/09/2023 10:26

I would also say - Citizens Advice or a financially savvy friend may be able to fully understand the credit card debt and where, if any, money is being spent. He may genuinely not be great with money and simply moving debt around, and therefore never actually paying it off.