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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coercive behaviour?

30 replies

Olivasand · 14/09/2023 20:31

It’s been a while since my last post where I had found an escorts number saved in my boyfriend’s phone. This was found when I had him back after being apart for a time but in daily contact.
if you have read any of my previous posts then I am a little embarrassed to say that we continued a relationship after this because I was made to feel I was totally at fault.
we separated again when I found out an the escort’s number but when we got back together properly in January this year, I decided to try and move forward.
Fast forward a couple of months and he told me he deserved a holiday because he had previously paid for two which we had been on. And so I went ahead and booked us a week away for June just gone. In between the time of booking it, I found out that the one number saved in his phone was just the tip of the iceberg. I discovered that when he was away from me last September to December and I was being verbally abused by him, and had many instances of coercive behaviour and I was still trying to support him, he had been having video calls with escorts and was looking up many many times for local escorts I couldn’t believe it again.
I thought about not saying anything but one day he blamed me for something that actually wasn’t my fault and I thought that’s was the time to tell him what I knew.
and he denied most of it but said if I couldn’t move on then it was me with the problem and if I hadn’t treated him like shit then he wouldn’t have done it.
He managed to convince me. We went on holiday, where I was verbally abused again.
We have recently separated again three weeks ago because he was so verbally abusive to me when he was drunk and then he ended up texting his female friend. He has threatened suicide many times since I have known him and he has always been fine when I have had to get emergencies services involved. Police call it coercive control. He told me just this week that he had been stabbed , I was worried sick, couldn’t get hold of him and had to get police. He was fine, he sent me photos of ketchup on his arm and thought it was funny.
We have a holiday booked towards the end of this month which he booked and paid for. A two week holiday which in normal circumstances would be amazing but now he has said do I want to go as friends, that was Monday. Then today he says he’s told his mate it’s all my fault and now he will go on his own. It feels like he is using the holiday as a gambling tool against me. It’s constantly changing from his perspective and he has me completely at his disposal.
I have no clue what to do and I feel very vulnerable. Very sorry for such a long post but could really do with some support.

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 14/09/2023 20:38

He's a prick

You deserve better

Absolutely no way would I be going anywhere with him and I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for here - I'm fairly sure not one person will tell you to work things out with him

Original poster
Olivasand · 14/09/2023 20:42

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I completely understand where everyone will come from , but he has managed to get me to a point where my emotions for the person I thought he was , keeps going through my head . Yes I would love to go on a holiday with my partner, the resort looks amazing, but I do have some reservations as it’s a very desserted location and if I ended up being left on my own like he has done many times, then I would be in fear.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 20:44

I have no clue what to do

Come the fuck on, op. Of course you know what to do, so stop pretending to be daft. This man is an unhinged, reprehensible loser, who has done nothing but abuse you and lie. You stop talking to him entirely. You block him entirely, and of course you don't go on a bloody holiday with him. You should never even see him again. Stop allowing him to continue to mess you about.

Coastisclear · 14/09/2023 20:44

You need to cut your ties with this man and move it. Do not go on holiday with him. He sounds revolting. Raise your standards, you deserve better.

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2023 20:47

He’s a nasty piece of work OP. You cut contact and you most certainly don’t go on holiday with this shit.
Focus on you. On building your confidence and setting your own boundaries. You deserve so much better.

FedUpOfItA · 14/09/2023 20:48

I'm not going to be nice about this. You post on here asking for advice and don't take it. Now you're asking the same question again. What do you want to be told?

TGGreen · 14/09/2023 20:48

Unless you're leaving permanently and blocking this prick from your life, there isn't any point in saying anything to you because you didn't listen last time when only a tenth of this information was divulged.

ShinyBandana · 14/09/2023 20:49

Why can’t you see how bad this is?

Why don’t you think you deserve better?

Original poster
Olivasand · 14/09/2023 20:53

Thank you for your reply and I guess I should have expected such a response. It’s very difficult to explain why you try and hold onto someone you thought loved you.
Sorry for posting this on here, I didn’t want to feel worse.

OP posts:
ShinyBandana · 14/09/2023 20:56

He doesn’t love you

StorminanDcup · 14/09/2023 20:57

It is difficult to let go of an idea of someone OP, we’ve all been there.

But what you’ve got to do is understand that this is a choice you’re making. It might not feel like a choice because your emotions are so scrambled but IT IS a choice.

you can choose to let this continue or you can choose to say actually, no. As sad as it makes me to let the idea of this relationship go, as shit as he has made me feel and as much as I wish it wasn’t this way - I am choosing to let it go and step away from a person who makes me feel so bad about myself.

Everything in life is a choice OP, we can’t control what happens to us no. But we can control what we do after it happens

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 21:04

Olivasand · 14/09/2023 20:53

Thank you for your reply and I guess I should have expected such a response. It’s very difficult to explain why you try and hold onto someone you thought loved you.
Sorry for posting this on here, I didn’t want to feel worse.

Your self-pity will get you exactly nowhere. You have already broken up with this loser multiple times. You admit he continues to be horrible and abuse you, yet you go back and stay. At this point, you are choosing this. You are more of an enemy to yourself than he is. It's utterly ridiculous the power you have given this feckless piece of shit when you know he doesn't love you. It's to the point where you can't blame him anymore. The only reason you are still in this mess, still wasting your time, and still being treated like shit is because you choose to be.

The only reason you feel "worse" is because you keep making the same terrible choices and expecting a different result. Do better for yourself. Want more for your life than this bullshit.

Justcallmebebes · 14/09/2023 21:05

At what point do you think he's going to change?

Original poster
Olivasand · 14/09/2023 21:09

It’s hard to hear but I appreciate you being honest

OP posts:
HorseyHorsham · 14/09/2023 21:22

You have no clue what to do?

  1. text him you’d rather have two weeks of Norovirus than go on holiday with him.
  2. block him
  3. block him on everything
  4. Start living your life away from this absolute dickhead
Original poster
Olivasand · 14/09/2023 21:46

HorseyHorsham · 14/09/2023 21:22

You have no clue what to do?

  1. text him you’d rather have two weeks of Norovirus than go on holiday with him.
  2. block him
  3. block him on everything
  4. Start living your life away from this absolute dickhead

I did block him this time, but then as the days went on I unblocked him because I do carry some concern for him that when he threatens to harm himself I will never know if he is serious, and he knows I always call police for his safety. I worry that if he was to text me and say he was going to do something then it might be a time when I have blocked him and I wouldn’t have known to help him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olivasand · 14/09/2023 21:48

Olivasand · 14/09/2023 21:46

I did block him this time, but then as the days went on I unblocked him because I do carry some concern for him that when he threatens to harm himself I will never know if he is serious, and he knows I always call police for his safety. I worry that if he was to text me and say he was going to do something then it might be a time when I have blocked him and I wouldn’t have known to help him.

Show quote history

Also when I block him, somehow he is still able to call me , his name shows so it’s his number. He also sometimes calls and withholds his number.

OP posts:
NotNowGertrude · 14/09/2023 22:01

Change your phone number then

You have to stop this, it's crazy you are feeling any obligations to him

He is damaging you

Protect yourself

Tralalalalee · 14/09/2023 22:04

Oh come on OP, what are you actually looking for here? For us all to say ‘oh you poor thing, how terrible’ and give you lots of attention? This is said with love. You know he’s a loser! You’ve already had tons of advice. Get rid of him and then come back and tell us you’ve done it. Then we’ll give you all the praise and validation you could ever need 💪😍🥳🤩🫶

Redavocadoes · 14/09/2023 22:06

If you block him he will know he is blocked. If he was really in danger (which he would not be) he would then call someone else to help.

It's not like you are the only person he knows in the world. He is not depending on you, he is just twisting your brain to make you feel like he does.

Blueeyedmale · 14/09/2023 22:07

OP plain and simple this excuse for a man is sucking all the confidence and self esteem out of you you can do and deserve so much better!

Dery · 14/09/2023 22:10

@Olivasand - what did you learn about relationships growing up that makes you tolerate this shitty treatment and think about going back to someone who’s regularly horrible to you? The fear for his life - that’s an excuse you’re making to not shut him out completely. He’s not your child. He’s an adult. He’s responsible for his own well-being. And he’ll be fine. This is a man who’s very good at looking after himself. Please, OP, take responsibility for yourself. Take responsibility for your own well-being. Keep away from him. Perhaps have some therapy if you can to work out why you’re contemplating going back.

Original poster
Olivasand · 14/09/2023 22:16

Tralalalalee · 14/09/2023 22:04

Oh come on OP, what are you actually looking for here? For us all to say ‘oh you poor thing, how terrible’ and give you lots of attention? This is said with love. You know he’s a loser! You’ve already had tons of advice. Get rid of him and then come back and tell us you’ve done it. Then we’ll give you all the praise and validation you could ever need 💪😍🥳🤩🫶

Thank you for your message. I have just read back to three weeks ago when he went and stayed in a hotel again. He said he was going to a nightclub to pick someone up, then another day said he thinks I am seeing someone because my car wasn’t there so he is going to do the same. The only place I go to is work. He texts me that much rubbish, that I forget how abusive some of them are because there’s that many.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olivasand · 14/09/2023 22:20

Dery · 14/09/2023 22:10

@Olivasand - what did you learn about relationships growing up that makes you tolerate this shitty treatment and think about going back to someone who’s regularly horrible to you? The fear for his life - that’s an excuse you’re making to not shut him out completely. He’s not your child. He’s an adult. He’s responsible for his own well-being. And he’ll be fine. This is a man who’s very good at looking after himself. Please, OP, take responsibility for yourself. Take responsibility for your own well-being. Keep away from him. Perhaps have some therapy if you can to work out why you’re contemplating going back.

Same sort of relationship with my mum growing up. She was verbally abusive towards me , and would regularly try to take her own life. Most of the time I was the only one at home when she used to do this as dad was working, so I had to be responsible for her safety.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olivasand · 14/09/2023 22:37

Redavocadoes · 14/09/2023 22:06

If you block him he will know he is blocked. If he was really in danger (which he would not be) he would then call someone else to help.

It's not like you are the only person he knows in the world. He is not depending on you, he is just twisting your brain to make you feel like he does.

Thank you, I never really thought about it that way which is helpful. Thanks for your view.

OP posts: