Coercive behaviour?

[Olivasand]

It’s been a while since my last post where I had found an escorts number saved in my boyfriend’s phone. This was found when I had him back after being apart for a time but in daily contact.
if you have read any of my previous posts then I am a little embarrassed to say that we continued a relationship after this because I was made to feel I was totally at fault.
we separated again when I found out an the escort’s number but when we got back together properly in January this year, I decided to try and move forward.
Fast forward a couple of months and he told me he deserved a holiday because he had previously paid for two which we had been on. And so I went ahead and booked us a week away for June just gone. In between the time of booking it, I found out that the one number saved in his phone was just the tip of the iceberg. I discovered that when he was away from me last September to December and I was being verbally abused by him, and had many instances of coercive behaviour and I was still trying to support him, he had been having video calls with escorts and was looking up many many times for local escorts I couldn’t believe it again.
I thought about not saying anything but one day he blamed me for something that actually wasn’t my fault and I thought that’s was the time to tell him what I knew.
and he denied most of it but said if I couldn’t move on then it was me with the problem and if I hadn’t treated him like shit then he wouldn’t have done it.
He managed to convince me. We went on holiday, where I was verbally abused again.
We have recently separated again three weeks ago because he was so verbally abusive to me when he was drunk and then he ended up texting his female friend. He has threatened suicide many times since I have known him and he has always been fine when I have had to get emergencies services involved. Police call it coercive control. He told me just this week that he had been stabbed , I was worried sick, couldn’t get hold of him and had to get police. He was fine, he sent me photos of ketchup on his arm and thought it was funny.
We have a holiday booked towards the end of this month which he booked and paid for. A two week holiday which in normal circumstances would be amazing but now he has said do I want to go as friends, that was Monday. Then today he says he’s told his mate it’s all my fault and now he will go on his own. It feels like he is using the holiday as a gambling tool against me. It’s constantly changing from his perspective and he has me completely at his disposal.
I have no clue what to do and I feel very vulnerable. Very sorry for such a long post but could really do with some support.

Threatening suicide, self harm is the oldest trick in the book. He knows this will keep you running back to him. A part of the drama is you “saving” him, you want it to be that, with a happy ever after.
Not going to happen.
Stay with him and a few years from now you’ll be the verbally and physically abused woman with a couple of kids, unable to escape as he controls everything—- money, who you see, who you talk to, even what the children do, who they see.

There are other men in the world you know who don’t shout abuse, or control you, or throw drama about.

I know this is brutal, but I know two people (over 30 years apart) who stopped the Suicide threats very effectively with “I’ll kick the chair out from under you”.

If it was money you were being manipulated for, you would instantly recognize it as an absolute piss-take. Just because it is your emotional and psychological resources they want to drain, rather than financial, doesn’t mean it’s less of a piss-take.

On the subject of blocking him (or being frightened to in case he hurts himself):

1. He won't hurt himself. He values himself too highly, and he is just saying this as another way of controlling you. WHen you're worried about him, remind yourself of the ketchup incident and him laughing at you. He does it to control you and to make sure he still has that control, as because he finds it amusing.
2. EVEN IF for some reason he did want to hurt himself, he should know he shouldn't rely on the person he's abused to save him.
3. If you block him, he'll know he's blocked so he won't rely on you saving him anway.
4. It's as easy for him to call 999 or someone else as it is to call you.
5. You aren't responsible for him. You aren't responsible for any other adult, and definitely not those who abuse you.

OP, I only got through a couple of your first paragraphs to just know what this relationship is like.

Ultimately it’s your choice. Don’t try to understand or explain this man’s behaviour just walk away. Or, stay and be in the midst of the angst and drama indefinitely.

Everyone on here will tell you to leave but it’s your choice. Do you even have any reasons to stay?

Same sort of relationship with my mum growing up. She was verbally abusive towards me , and would regularly try to take her own life. Most of the time I was the only one at home when she used to do this as dad was working, so I had to be responsible for her safety.

There you go then. It's not him you are in love with or wanting to fix. It's your mother you are wanting back. Let this man go (and keep him blocked) and find a good therapist who will help you work through your feelings regarding your childhood.

And I do mean keep him blocked. He needs to get help himself, or find a different support human for his suicidal tendencies, but i'll give you a clue here....he doesn't actually have them It's just a big stick to beat you with.