Unsure about whether to end marriage -we have very young children

[EL8888]

My husband and l have been together 8 years and have 6 month old twins. Twins were much wanted after 5 years of fertility issues and a few rounds of IVF. Issues started whilst he was on paternity leave e.g. asking me if l actually need a shower (l had just had a c section and was breast feeding so yes), taking forever to get me a drink -l couldn’t walk well for a while due the c section and fluid retention in my legs.

He genuinely doesn’t get how burned out and tired l feel most of the time. I go to baby groups and people ask how much help l get. It’s not much, just my husband in the evenings and weekend. He rings me during his lunch time at work to check on how we all are but he’s annoyed lm not more “thankful” for this. At the moment he is quite focused on me thinking him for things he does -l won’t thank him so he gets annoyed. For clarity he doesn’t thank me for anything l do. It feels like he often does the bare minimum but l should still be very grateful. At social occasions he usually high tails it off leaving me to care for both babies, l have reminded him that l am also entitled to some time out, he needs to be more thoughtful and not just wander off to relax. He doesn’t demonstrate much initiative and l have to prompt him a lot of them time -l also find this very draining

I haven’t talked about it much to people. One person l mentioned it to kindly told me she thought it was due to my hormones 🙄. Plus to put it bluntly as he engages with his children then he is like father of the year to a lot of people

We have been arguing a fair amount and twice in the last month or so he has hit me. I am scared to call the police as they will involve social services and due to the nature of my husbands job is could make things difficult for him there

I cheated on him during the summer with a work friend, we were drunk and had a kiss / grope. I was mortified, confessed to my husband the next day and apologised. He then tells me he had a similar thing with one of his female friends before we got married. She even came to our wedding! He also had a bit of an infatuation with someone he met through his work, whilst l was pregnant.

Personally l think too much has gone on, fundamentally our expectations are very different. Let’s call it quits. He thinks it needs more time and things will improve. Which in many way feels like l need to accept the way he is e.g. when l requested that he didn’t wander off at social occasions leaving for me to care for the twins. Then he basically said he was sorry l felt that way but didn’t reflect on his behaviour or offer to make any changes going forward. It’s like he wants things to change but doesn’t want to do any changing himself

They arent attacks, some posters are pointing out that we are another month down the line and this has escalated to violence now after you were already seeking advise as to whether to leave. Others are just horrified by the scenario. I get it feels personal, no one is blaming you for him being a twat, you possibly could have done better by not cheating but thats happened now so you need to deal with the here and now, which is that you are in danger and, as such, so are your children. Do you have the means to be able to leave? Can you arrange this while he is at work?

Firstly, I sympathise hugely for what you're going through.

I do have to admit being confused though, your title is "unsure about whether to end marriage". Apparently you wrote about this before and people told you to leave. Things have deteriorated to the point where this disgusting man has hit you, not once, but twice. So you can't be surprised that the response from people is the same but even more emphatic?

He looks like father of the year when in front of certain people, so he is well able to control his behaviour and keep his abuse of you behind closed doors. You are protecting him by not making him face the consequences of his actions. A man who hits his partner and doesn't immediately feel horrified by his behaviour, sincerely apologise and acknowledge the devastating impact, and urgently arrange counselling, probably offering to move out at least in the short term while he addresses his issues, is not sorry for what he has done and he will continue to do it. (I'm sure you know saying he was sorry you felt that way is NOT an apology). He deserves to have the police called on him, especially if it could make things difficult in terms of his job - he knows things could be difficult and still hit you. Twice. He is an utter disgrace as a human being. Stop protecting him.

I grew up in a home with alcohol fuelled violence. It has caused life-long damage to me. Do not let this happen to your innocent children. In my case in addition to an alcoholic father I had a narcissist "mother" who revelled in her victimhood. It's only in the last couple of years, with the help of therapy, that I've seen her behaviour was even more damaging. So I'd suggest to you you put aside any possible excuses or "reasons" to stay and get out of this clusterfuck of a marriage asap. Your children will not thank you for staying because you found it "too difficult" to leave.

@rumred no. Meant to meeting a friend face to face at the weekend and lm going to talk to her about it then. I’m not a fan of sensitive conversations over the phone, plus l don’t want him coming home from work early and over hearing me

@Screwballs threatening to report me to social services is an attack where l come from

@EL8888

I am not going to attack you, as a mum of twins myself I understand how much of challenge and ongoing adjustment having twins is.

I can totally understand that after a long struggle with infertility and an IVF journey your hesitancy at ending the relationship. You have had a long slog getting to where you are and I’m sure that there were many times along your journey you fantasised about life on the other side and motherhood and I’m sure that of all the wonderful and beautiful moments you imagined, I am sure that you did not for moment picture the actual reality that you are living. You are living your very hard won dream, except that dream is turning out to be a nightmare.

The infidelities can be somewhat overlooked, it’s very much less than ideal but many relationships can and do survive infidelities.

The physical abuse, him hitting you though…that’s the absolute deal breaker, relationships never get less abusive, only more! You don’t need to justify the end of your relationship, he hit you and that is the end of it right there. If your feeling guilt over ending it, I can assure you that you should feel none because he was the one to end the relationship the very moment he raised a hand to you. He hit you and that really is all there is to it, and now that he has hit you and already more than once he will continue to hit you.

I know it is a very daunting prospect especially with baby twins but please leave, reach out to women’s aid and get whatever support you can because I promise you that this situation will only get worse not better. 💐

She didnt threaten you, she said if she knew someone in your situation in real life, she'd report it, and so she should if children are in danger. That is not a threat to you in the slightest. Im not sure what you are wanting here. Everyone to tell you its ok? Because anyone that isnt is being told to get off their high horses. So what do you actually want?

And what will you do when he hits you in front of your children? Because he will .

@Screwballs that’s basically the same thing

l actually want this thread to be deleted so l have requested that. The constructive replies were appreciated, the rest were not

It really isnt. Im ducking out. Im sorry for you but I dont think anyone can add anything that will help you right now.

@Lillygolightly the whole thing feels like a nightmare. I wake up each morning but it’s still the reality. I knew motherhood especially with twins would be tough. But l didn’t think hd would hit me (when challenged then he said l “made” him, which l pointed out is a basic level textbook abusive response), think l was the hired help and have so much derision for me

@Escapingafter50years this. I have recently realised how welded to his “nice guy” image he is. But it’s a mask. When you scratch away a bit he can be very unpleasant, like when l asked him why he cheated on me then he said “you were mean to me so you made me do it”. When in reality l was upset around that time due to some failed IVF and he was emotionally unsupportive

But you didn’t made him doing anything, he used his fists instead of his words….why do you think that it is?

You can not alter his thinking on this, you say you already feel like your the hired help…this means like he feels as though he’s got you good and trapped with these babies and he is treating you as such!

He feels entitled because he’s bringing home the bacon and thinks that you should spend your every waking moment grateful for this. It’s utter BS, he’s going out to work and coming home, stuff he had to do before the babies were born, he’s taking care of his family financially…big woop it’s what he’s supposed to bloody do and is hardly worthy of a gold medal. He doesn’t get to relegate you to nanny and housekeeper just because you are on maternity leave! You are an equal partner, you are contributing equally and if not more, and if he doesn’t respect that now he is never going to respect it, and sadly nothing you can say or do will change that….your just screaming into the void of a hollow misogynist man who will hit you until your are good and grateful for all he provides!!

I would make a very good bet that you are a lovely person who is strong independent and successful, I would also imagine that the relationship issues you have now were not brought to light before and probably because previously you were on equal footing and so this wasn’t even an argument to be had. It will seem to you as though he’s pulled a complete 180 and become someone you hardly recognise and you are fighting for the respect that you feel you once had, though I would argue that that respect was illusionary and this is who he has always been and your only seeing now because he thinks you are to trapped to leave.

Wishing you all the best OP. You can do this and your life will be better on the other side. PM me if you want to chat if the thread gets deleted.