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Original poster

Unsure about whether to end marriage -we have very young children

65 replies

EL8888 · 14/09/2023 10:22

My husband and l have been together 8 years and have 6 month old twins. Twins were much wanted after 5 years of fertility issues and a few rounds of IVF. Issues started whilst he was on paternity leave e.g. asking me if l actually need a shower (l had just had a c section and was breast feeding so yes), taking forever to get me a drink -l couldn’t walk well for a while due the c section and fluid retention in my legs.

He genuinely doesn’t get how burned out and tired l feel most of the time. I go to baby groups and people ask how much help l get. It’s not much, just my husband in the evenings and weekend. He rings me during his lunch time at work to check on how we all are but he’s annoyed lm not more “thankful” for this. At the moment he is quite focused on me thinking him for things he does -l won’t thank him so he gets annoyed. For clarity he doesn’t thank me for anything l do. It feels like he often does the bare minimum but l should still be very grateful. At social occasions he usually high tails it off leaving me to care for both babies, l have reminded him that l am also entitled to some time out, he needs to be more thoughtful and not just wander off to relax. He doesn’t demonstrate much initiative and l have to prompt him a lot of them time -l also find this very draining

I haven’t talked about it much to people. One person l mentioned it to kindly told me she thought it was due to my hormones 🙄. Plus to put it bluntly as he engages with his children then he is like father of the year to a lot of people

We have been arguing a fair amount and twice in the last month or so he has hit me. I am scared to call the police as they will involve social services and due to the nature of my husbands job is could make things difficult for him there

I cheated on him during the summer with a work friend, we were drunk and had a kiss / grope. I was mortified, confessed to my husband the next day and apologised. He then tells me he had a similar thing with one of his female friends before we got married. She even came to our wedding! He also had a bit of an infatuation with someone he met through his work, whilst l was pregnant.

Personally l think too much has gone on, fundamentally our expectations are very different. Let’s call it quits. He thinks it needs more time and things will improve. Which in many way feels like l need to accept the way he is e.g. when l requested that he didn’t wander off at social occasions leaving for me to care for the twins. Then he basically said he was sorry l felt that way but didn’t reflect on his behaviour or offer to make any changes going forward. It’s like he wants things to change but doesn’t want to do any changing himself

OP posts:
hev126 · 14/09/2023 10:47

He's been physically abusive and you've cheated on him? It's over......

I don't think how long it takes him to get you a drink after your c-Section or whether he calls you on his lunchbreak is even relevant with such fundamental issues tbh

florafoxtrot · 14/09/2023 10:48

OP, you've been through so much, infertility, IVF, twin pregnancy and the bomb that kids set off in your life. I can see why you're reluctant to leave him and I assume you're feeling like life is just one thing after another. But the thing is that you're incompatible, he's hurt you and quite simply he has no respect for you. You feel unappreciated which likely led to the cheating. I think for those reasons that the relationship is untenable and although its another lot of upheaval and discomfort, in the long term it will be less so. Do you have support IRL to help you leave? Can you start considering the practical elements of separation? I'm so sorry you're in this position but I think at the end of it all, you will be happier apart from him and it'll be a better environment for your DTs.

GrazingSheep · 14/09/2023 10:49

What would you do if he starts hitting the children ?

IslandAngle · 14/09/2023 10:50

I didn’t see your previous post. But if it’s escalated in a month to him hitting you, then you have to leave. Leaving aside the other shit. He’s hitting you. Just go now. And report him to the police. That is really important too.

BishopBrennansArseHole · 14/09/2023 10:51

How sad for those little babies 😞

You have no idea of the damage you will both do to them.

Original poster
EL8888 · 14/09/2023 10:55

GrazingSheep · 14/09/2023 10:49

What would you do if he starts hitting the children ?

Leave him and report him to the police

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 14/09/2023 10:55

You need to go, or rather he does. Hitting you is a line that can never be uncrossed.

I understand how hard and overwhelming this must feel. We have toddler twins but from the perspective of a couple of years down the line, it is manageable and it is OK.

Separate, try to rebuild some kind of adult relationship as co-parents, start to use a nursery or childminder for some hours for your babies. They will fit very happily into the shape of life you make for them, but not into a home where there is anger and risk.

Original poster
EL8888 · 14/09/2023 10:57

BishopBrennansArseHole · 14/09/2023 10:51

How sad for those little babies 😞

You have no idea of the damage you will both do to them.

Helpful. Yep l asked for all of this. When he gets home from work then maybe l can ask if he will break my arm and / or throw me down the stairs

OP posts:
pickledonionsjar · 14/09/2023 10:58

He's been physically violent towards you.
Full stop.
No need for deliberation, separate as quickly as possible.

Original poster
EL8888 · 14/09/2023 10:58

Namechangedforthis25 · 14/09/2023 10:34

Yes leave him

it’s a strange post - I honestly thought it was all pretty normal until you mentioned - he hit you in a blase way

and then that you cheated

then that he cheated

should have started with those

yes obviously this is not a normal, decent marriage - there’s nothing there so leave him and report him

Sorry my life appears strange. I’m not especially thrilled by it myself

OP posts:
SueVineer · 14/09/2023 10:59

Young twins are hard but the violence is entirely unacceptable. You need to break up.

Original poster
EL8888 · 14/09/2023 11:00

Palomafaithless · 14/09/2023 10:34

OP I'm so sorry you've faced this physical abuse. This marriage is over, there is no question about it. Do you feel safe enough to tell him to leave? Or do you need to go to a friend/your parents? Do you have support around you? It's time to make a plan. I suggest calling Women's Aid at least for some initial advice.

Thanks for a thoughtful and understanding post. He won’t be thrilled but l don’t feel that unsafe. I could get friends or siblings to be here when l do it. Things are in joint names, there might be enough equity for us both to 2 smaller places as we can’t afford to buy each other out

OP posts:
JonjoMonjo21 · 14/09/2023 11:05

Reading this is shocking. If you were my friend I’d report you to SS myself. What your kids must be witnessing. Split up before something bad happens and your kids end up going.

Original poster
EL8888 · 14/09/2023 11:09

JennyForeigner · 14/09/2023 10:55

You need to go, or rather he does. Hitting you is a line that can never be uncrossed.

I understand how hard and overwhelming this must feel. We have toddler twins but from the perspective of a couple of years down the line, it is manageable and it is OK.

Separate, try to rebuild some kind of adult relationship as co-parents, start to use a nursery or childminder for some hours for your babies. They will fit very happily into the shape of life you make for them, but not into a home where there is anger and risk.

I have already started plans for going back to work and l have found a childminder that can take them for 2 days a week. They have some settling in sessions, lm going to use one of them to go to a solicitor for a free 30 minute session. In the meantime lm gathering information and getting my ducks in a row. Our mortgage deal runs out in the spring but it’s a slow tough market so we may not have even sold the house by then

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 14/09/2023 11:10

JonjoMonjo21 · 14/09/2023 11:05

Reading this is shocking. If you were my friend I’d report you to SS myself. What your kids must be witnessing. Split up before something bad happens and your kids end up going.

I will PM you my name and address if you want. Then you can do it yourself.

I wish l could be as perfect as you

OP posts:
Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 11:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Screwballs · 14/09/2023 11:12

Drop the sarcasm lady, its not big, its not clever. I get you are defensive but people are going to be pushed to keep wanting to help you when you are talking to them like this. This is serious, as you know. You need to leave. All it takes is for you to take a fall from him hitting you and you could be dead. Cheating aside, which was enough in the first place, this isnt sustainable. Play the game and save some money if needs be but at the very least, start making plans.

Clymene · 14/09/2023 11:12

You can leave a marriage for any reason but physical violence is crossing a line that can never be uncrossed. You are six months post partum with twins and he hit you. That's absolutely shocking.

What a horrible horrible man.

Do you have much family/friend support?

JonjoMonjo21 · 14/09/2023 11:15

@EL8888 not perfect in any such way but you need to leave. You’re making excuses and putting it off why? Until something major happens? And your kids get hurt? Sounds like absolute chaos. I honestly feel sorry for the kids. They didn’t ask to be brought in to a shit show. And you have the power to leave and give them a good life

Original poster
EL8888 · 14/09/2023 11:16

Screwballs · 14/09/2023 11:12

Drop the sarcasm lady, its not big, its not clever. I get you are defensive but people are going to be pushed to keep wanting to help you when you are talking to them like this. This is serious, as you know. You need to leave. All it takes is for you to take a fall from him hitting you and you could be dead. Cheating aside, which was enough in the first place, this isnt sustainable. Play the game and save some money if needs be but at the very least, start making plans.

I’m finding all of this hard and the very personal attacks aren’t helping. There’s very little constructive advice, it’s condescending and judgemental. I didn’t ask for any of this to happen.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 14/09/2023 11:16

Leave him. He may hit your children next.

If he's a police officer, report him but be aware it may make no difference. Look up Police Me Too. DV perpetrators are over represented in the force statistically and protected by their colleagues

Original poster
EL8888 · 14/09/2023 11:17

@Screwballs plus they aren’t helping. They are going in on me

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 14/09/2023 11:20

Thanks for the small minority who were helpful and supportive

I wish l had never taken courage in my hands and written this post. I didn’t ask for husband to be such a dick. Enjoy your time on the moral high ground / putting the boot in

OP posts:
StopGo · 14/09/2023 11:23

Escalating abusive and violence with two babies in the house. Yes, you need to end the relationship. I hope you find the strength, it isn't easy.

rumred · 14/09/2023 11:27

@EL8888 have you told friends and family what's happened? It sounds like you need real world support to help you through this. If there's anyone you trust, please talk to them and get some back up