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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My fianceé is 15 weeks pregnant and she hits me.

68 replies

bygollie · 13/09/2023 18:38

We've been together for a while, she never exhibited violent behaviour. She could be quite feisty during a disagreement but it would always be de-escalated rather quickly.

Over the past couple of weeks, there have been 3 instances where she has struck me. She has gone through a terrible bout of morning sickness where she was hospitalised for two stints totalling 14 days. She has been prescribed an anti-sickness medication which makes her drowsy and hard to rouse.

Earlier, I attempted to wake her up. Her first reaction was to strike me with her fist, complaining that she needs to sleep. When I tried to explain that we needed to get ready for an appointment, she started beating me with her slipper.

This is so unlike her. She's had a hard time with the pregnancy so far, and I am putting this behaviour down to her hormones, which is the only reason why I haven't walked.

My question is; am I right to write this behaviour off? Have any of you ladies lashed out at your partners during pregnancy? What the fuck can I do to stop feeling like I have to walk on eggshells to prevent a beating?

OP posts:

MariaVT65 · 14/09/2023 17:41

Thistlelass · 14/09/2023 17:34

Yes. Hallucinations and voices could occur as part of a depression during pregnancy. That is different from post partum illness though. In any event acting on violent inducing stimuli is not an excuse to physically assault someone. A reason for it possibly but not an excuse.

Not sure anyone here has mentioned post partum though? We’ve said during pregnancy.

Yes, not saying it’s an excuse. But as it could be an underlying reason, the OP needs to decide of they just want to leave (and start safeguarding measures), or if they want to contact midwives/GP to explore the issue further, in case it is also an issue of OP’s partner needing medical help or possible hospital admission. I’m not saying it’s definitely the cause, it’s just something to consider, especially as it seems out of character. I fully acknowledge there is also a possibility she is just being purely abusive.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 14/09/2023 17:55

This is not ok. You need to get out

ZickZack · 14/09/2023 17:58

Op, pregnancy can be tough for lots of women but it is no reason whatsoever to physically assault your partner.

RantyAnty · 14/09/2023 18:02

CastlesCrumbling · 14/09/2023 18:05

hobbitonthehill · 14/09/2023 13:45

Lol typical sexist replys! She's abusive but she's pregnant so it's okay 👍

Which reply on the thread says this?

Every single reply says it absolutely is not ok.

A couple of replies, amid the majority identifying it as abusive behaviour and advising OP to leave, suggest it could be pregnancy/medication-induced mental illness but still are completely clear that it isn't ok and that the OP should not tolerate it.

It's almost as though some posters read exactly what they want to see! In this case, someone so desperate to find an example of man-hating double standards that they've just...invented it?

FloydPepper · 14/09/2023 18:05

hobbitonthehill · 14/09/2023 13:45

Lol typical sexist replys! She's abusive but she's pregnant so it's okay 👍

Tbf the vast majority of responses have been good. Taken it seriously, and not tried to victim blame or excuse her violence. There’s been one who perhaps came down a bit on the side of “it’s not her fault”

whilst I normally think mumsnet is poor when it comes to male victims, this thread is good.

that’s assuming op is male. I think the responses pretty much do assume that.

nerdandgeek · 14/09/2023 18:08

I have to be honest and say this could and I mean could be a safeguarding risk to the baby once born.

Iliketulips · 14/09/2023 18:20

I knew I was pregnant about six days after conception as I felt sick. Sickness lasted seven months and I only stopped being sick about two weeks after birth. I can remember feeling a bit frustrated once evening as I fancied something and DH wouldn't go out and get it for me and also saying to him if he was going to eat certain things for tea (a long list), I'd be upstairs shut away in bathroom or bedroom for rest of the night. In no way was I angry or abusive towards him though.

This is totally not acceptable. You do not deserve this. You need to make it clear to her you'll do the best to help and support her if she's feeling sick - she needs to tell you what helps. Then make it clear to her you'll try your best to support whatever, but not tolerate understand any circumstance this treatment from her. I know there's a baby involved, but if she continues, please walk away from the relationship.

Beadyeyes91 · 14/09/2023 18:40

This is horrible to read. I am 36 weeks pregnant and coming to the end of what has been an AWFUL 9 months. I've had a fractured ankle, broken my tailbone, pregnancy related migraines and SEVERE sickness from week 7. None of this has resulted in me being violent towards my partner and nor should it. Pregnancy or hormones should not be used as an excuse to be rude and volatile. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only say this WILL escalate whether it be tomorrow or next year.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/09/2023 23:00

Op hasn't been back. Hopefully he's ok.

Dolores87 · 16/09/2023 09:00

If this is indeed really completely out of character and this behaviour and has never happened before or been close to happening before I think she needs to be assessed urgently by the perinatal mental health team for anti-natal depression and potentially anti-natal psychosis.

It is abusive. It's not just hormones.
Whether you stay or go is your call but I definitely think she needs assessing as extreme anger can be a symptom of both of those conditions.

Cetim · 20/09/2023 21:35

Please take action to protect yourself. This could be telling family members or a helpline for DV or even try to convince her to go to her gp for mental health support (although thatbwould be no excuse). This is not normal pregnancy behaviour. I am pregnant and I am on medication for sickness and have been hospitalised 8 times this year. The meds do make you drowsy but do kot make you violent or irritable. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and dangerous.

Original poster

bygollie · 02/10/2023 01:26

Hi all, sorry for not checking back sooner. I have read through all of your replies and thank you all so much for your advice and perspective.

In answer to some of your questions, I am a male. She has never lashed out physically to any of her friends or relatives (that I'm aware of anyway). She is not controlling in any way whatsoever. Up until recently, the only rows we'd have were petty disagreements that we'd resolve fairly quickly.

Since posting, I have spoken with her about this. I told her that it's not on, and whether or not it was down to the pregnancy, I will walk out if it happens again. At first, she was saying she was frustrated and angry at me, and that she didn't think it would hurt me (she's tiny compared to me, I'm 6'2 and about 13 stone). When she lashed out, it didn't hurt me physically, but I told her it wasn't the point. The conversation ended with her understanding my point of view.

Recently, her hyperemesis has eased up considerably, and so has her temper. She's back to her old self. It still stands that if she lays one finger on me ever again I will walk. As much as I love her, I am not prepared to live that kind of a life and would do everything I can to take our daughter with me.

Completely understand how you ladies feel it was abuse - because it was. It was such a bolt out of the blue that I am convinced it was linked to her condition. Whether or not the medication (I can't remember which one exactly, prometha...something) or her being so beaten down by the dehydration and vomiting I won't ever know. She hasn't even tried to blame it on anything. She has however apologised, and I can tell that she knows that it was bang out of order. I'm not a perfect partner (who is?) and I have done/not done things (nothing serious) that has pissed her off, but that's no excuse to lash out physically.

If I ever had a whiff of abuse before the pregnancy, I would've fucked off straight away.

Anyway, thank you all again for your kind words and advice, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

Lwrenagain · 02/10/2023 02:18

@bygollie sorry to read this pal, I'm another hyperemesis victim here who never hit my DP, so not excusing her at all.

Was it during her taking prednisolone? That's the steroid used to boost the effects of ondansetron and cyclizine.

Made me want to fight the world, like what I imagine road rage feels like. Not an excuse and still totally unacceptable, I'm just curious because it did make me loopy.

14blackcrows · 02/10/2023 03:43

If she's extremely drowsy and the aggression is due to being woken up she really needs to see a doctor. I work in mental health and actually that type of aggression can be related to medication which makes you drowsy. Some people do react like that.
It's not okay for you to tolerate that though. She needs to agree to go to her doctor and try and sort it out. She can't be behaving like this towards you.

onebornsecibd · 02/10/2023 03:50

CandyLeBonBon · 13/09/2023 18:59

If she's never done this before and this behaviour has started since taking medication it's possible this is a side effect. Whilst it's completely unacceptable to hit you, there could be an underlying medical cause. But please reach out to your gp or another professional and don't keep it under wraps - it's important that you're safe.

Is she remorseful? Does she remember what she's done?

I wouldn't write it off - it's important not to minimise this just because she's a woman but it's not right and it needs dealing with and she needs to know how to manage side effects of her medication if that's what it is.

If she's not remorseful and she's just escalated from feisty to fighty then you have an abusive fiancée.

My thoughts as well

onebornsecibd · 02/10/2023 03:52

14blackcrows · 02/10/2023 03:43

Yep and I'm thinking maybe a mental health condition during pregnancy. She needs to tell her care team.

OP - obviously this isn't on,

junbean · 02/10/2023 04:42

I agree with everyone else, and I do think it's a combination of the stressors, being unwell, and the hormones amplify everything. When I was pregnant last year I was a totally different person. I never hit though. I think your partner needs to be seen by a doctor about it and you need to let her know there's a boundary that can't be crossed, even if she's not well.

I hope she responds well and you get through the rest of the pregnancy in peace.

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