My fianceé is 15 weeks pregnant and she hits me.

[bygollie]

We've been together for a while, she never exhibited violent behaviour. She could be quite feisty during a disagreement but it would always be de-escalated rather quickly.

Over the past couple of weeks, there have been 3 instances where she has struck me. She has gone through a terrible bout of morning sickness where she was hospitalised for two stints totalling 14 days. She has been prescribed an anti-sickness medication which makes her drowsy and hard to rouse.

Earlier, I attempted to wake her up. Her first reaction was to strike me with her fist, complaining that she needs to sleep. When I tried to explain that we needed to get ready for an appointment, she started beating me with her slipper.

This is so unlike her. She's had a hard time with the pregnancy so far, and I am putting this behaviour down to her hormones, which is the only reason why I haven't walked.

My question is; am I right to write this behaviour off? Have any of you ladies lashed out at your partners during pregnancy? What the fuck can I do to stop feeling like I have to walk on eggshells to prevent a beating?

This is not okay.

I would be inclined to join her for her next maternity appointment with the midwife and disclose this infront of them both and ask what the midwife's guidance is.

While it's likely hormonally driven, they need to know.
Whether you stay together or separate your baby is at risk if this continues and health professionals need to know

What other things does she do to you as well?

• Isolating you from friends and family
• Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
• Monitoring your time
• Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
• Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
• Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
• Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
• Controlling your finances
• Making threats or intimidating you

There is NEVER an excuse for physical violence, and I cannot believe that I am even seeing people saying it might be a result of medication. Imagine if a woman on here was being physically abused, and someone came up with that excuse - there would be a pile on. And quite rightly.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and like your partner am having a hard pregnancy. However, I've nothing but admiration for my husband, he's been my rock and I'm sure you have been and I could never dream of hurting him. This isn't ok and hormones have nothing to do with it.

In all of my five pregnancies I never physically attacked anyone.

Do you have anyone that you can confide in in RL?

I would agree with this. I’m aware there is such a thing as a type of psychosis brought on by pregnancy, for example where women start hallucinating and hearing voices. Women are often hospitalised for this.

If you can’t get an appointment, i would suggest ringing the community midwife team for advice. But yes, safeguarding also needs to be brought to their attention

You poor thing.You need to get yourself to a safe place and then seek help for her. It does sound pregnancy related and she needs to get help.

You matter more though, and you don't deserve this. Please get yourself to safety and then make decisions. https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ contact these people for free, for help

OP are you male or female? It doesn't change the fact that your fiancee is abusing you but it's relevant to what signposting is appropriate. Either way, you need to reconsider your relationship and the safety of your unborn child. Can you speak to your fiancée's midwife? They have a duty of care to the baby but also to the family as a whole.

Lol typical sexist replys! She's abusive but she's pregnant so it's okay 👍

Is she on ondansetron?
If so the exhaustion from it combined with the exhausted from the sickness can make you feel under a kind of fog, like being drunk.
Obviously not OK still, but it does have major side effects.
It still needs addressing properly though.

No one is saying this. We're all saying as it's only during pregnancy it is likely medically induced and she needs treatment/assessment. Abuse is not okay, we're all telling OP it is not okay.

I'm sorry op. That's awful.

Literally not one single person has said this.

When I was (sadly only briefly) pregnant, I was a bit of an arsehole. The sickness was constant, combined with the hormonal mood swings that made me irritable and argumentative.
And yet I still never hit anyone funnily enough!

There is no excuse at all for violence. She’s abusing you, it’s that simple. Take action now and start a ‘paper trail’, it’ll help you if/when you go for full custody.

No-one has said this.

Sorry, quote didn’t work. That was @ hobbit.

There is never any excuse for violence and you should never just “write off” violence. You need help and support, not to write it off and forgive. If it was a man hitting you you’d not have the same attitude. I hope you’re ok

I agree with this. Whether it’s the medication causing this, or hormones, you shouldn’t just write it off. Please talk to a professional.

This is abuse, plain and simple.

The question is do you think she is acting generally strange? It sounds like you think this is out of character. Could she be having a breakdown, possibly a side effect of the medication or some sort of psychosis due to the strain of the pregnancy? If so, please speak to your midwife asap.

If not, I'm afraid you need to get out. I know it might be hard to hear but I fear that this may just be the beginning of a cycle of abusive behaviour.

have my first dose of mumsnet classics

1. LTB
2. Call the police
3. Get your ducks in a row for custody

(seriously)

Have you actually read the thread?

Nobody has said this.

Everyone has said it's completely unacceptable and is abuse.

Some people have said it's completely unacceptable and is abuse and have said that the abusive behaviour may be linked to a medical issue.

Nobody has said it's fine. You've misrepresented or misunderstood the thread completely.

Post partum psychosis occurs as name implies after delivery. I don't believe the poster is saying his partner lashes out in response to a delusional belief or hallucination. Nothing excuses her violence. I would move out until.I was sure she had put a stop to her abusive behaviour. Take someone with you when you go to check on her.

@Thistlelass there is such thing as acute psychosis in pregnancy. Postpartum is only one type of psychosis. Hyperemesis might also cause delirium. I agree that this is most likely straight up abuse but as the OP seemed to think it very out of character, it's worth considering her mental state. If my DH suddenly hit me, especially during a traumatic time, I'd think he'd had a mental break because I couldn't ever imagine him being abusive.

I’m told by a midwife that the kind of psychosis i’m referring to (hallucinations/voices) is very real, can happen to any pregnant woman, and many women have come to her without sharing what they are experiencing with their partners.

Just to add, I’m currently pregnant and under the mental health team, and at each appointment I am asked if I have had any hallucinations. It’s a real issue.

I agree the abuse needs to be dealt with and OP needs to potentially move out and consider safeguarding issues for the baby, but I’m also saying that there could be underlying issues they are not aware of and that is why I suggested they contact the midwife team for urgent advice.

Yes. Hallucinations and voices could occur as part of a depression during pregnancy. That is different from post partum illness though. In any event acting on violent inducing stimuli is not an excuse to physically assault someone. A reason for it possibly but not an excuse.

It's not ok.
You need to tell her you won't accept it. Perhaps tell her to see her GP or you are leaving and that if she continues to assault you the relationship cannot continue.

You shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship. Nobody should.