A thread of support for anyone living with an alcoholic.

[LosingTheWillToLive234]

Or who has an alcoholic family member or friend.

In my case it's my husband. Yesterday I had to throw out a piece of furniture he fell into and broke when he came home. He pissed the bed and all over the rug.

A few months ago I was getting fresh linen from the bottom of the chest of drawers and it was damp and smelled really strange. He had obviously pissed in the drawer when he last went on a bender. I only realised yesterday when changing the bed sheets what that was.
He's done this one time before into an empty mug on the bedside table. The shame was enough for him to stop drinking for a couple of months but he got right back at it.

He's too hungover to go to work. He's sitting around the house feeling sorry for himself today.

I'm already planning on leaving. Theres no love anymore. I just need to vent. I have people to talk to in real life but they all know H well and I don't feel comfortable telling them what truly goes on.

I hear you and I'm really glad you're planning to leave. Keep working away at it and dream of a future where your linens are always fresh, crisp and clean.

I have been out on the other side for 5 years now and it's lovely.

@pointythings I'm glad to hear you're out the other side.
I plan on buying a new bed and some lovely new linen once he's gone. It'll be fabulous, I'm sure

I'm so sorry your marriage turned out that way and the man you married turned into someone who has made your life so miserable.
I'm glad you've the strength and resolve to realise that you need to leave. I wish you all the happiness in the world when you get to the other side of it. You'll have earned it.

I have been in this situation; good for you for your firmness to leave. please tell some people in real life. when I did so I felt absolutely liberated. It was like I was ashamed, but it wasn’t my shame! Good luck

@5128gap Thank you.

@Fleetheart I do have people I talk to irl, and they know I'm unhappy, and they know it's (mostly) because of drinking. It's just that I don't want to go into details, but need to vent that one of my most favourite pieces of furniture got destroyed. Still raging about that. It can't be replaced. It can't be fixed. He turned it into kindling.
And the pissing. My god, the pissing!

it’s awful; not what you can reasonably expected to live with. have you spoken to al anon? very helpful I found. and also there is a site online called sober recovery which has a forum for friends and relatives of a drinker. very useful in terms of setting boundaries I found.

I often think when people talk about the alcoholics ' rock bottom, they forget that we as partners/children etc. have one too. Mine wasn't a pisser, I would have taken action much sooner if he had been and not hung on almost 7 years!

It’s horrible isn’t it? I have a long, long listing of disgusting, dangerous and embarrassing things he did and situations he put me in. Best thing I ever did was leaving him.
Plan to leave as soon as you can, make sure you’re not tied to any of his finances and live a happy life.

I hear you. Been where you are became as much of a liar if not more covering for his behaviour.
Sadly I didn't have the strength to leave until it was too late and I lost everything. He broke our children in the process.
Well done for seeing you can't save him but you can save yourself.

I will check out al anon. Thank you for the advice.

I thought the first pissing incident was my rock bottom but I have stupidly gave him more chances. It's been a slow burn of not caring any longer. Everytime he fucks up I respect him and love him less.

I have my own finances thank god. He has never been generous with money which has been an issue on and off for the past 10 years. But now I'm glad. Glad I've never relied on him financially. Glad he's a miser.

I really can't save him. I've tried and theres nothing more I can, or want to do. He didn't believe me when I said I don't love him in the way I need to to make this work anymore. If he became sober tomorrow, he would still be that selfish drunken arse who pisses the bed.
I can't see him any differently. He's acting like everything will be fine. He said if there was no feelings on my side, I wouldn't get upset. I'm upset at myself for actually believing he will change. For believing that he loved me enough to change.

I've been there. There is nothing you can do to make him stop drinking. And even if he did, he'd very likely start again (and in any case you'd spend your life waiting for it), and anyway, the damage is already done, even if he never drank a drop again.

Go and be free. I've been free for many years and haven't regretted it for a split second in all that time.

@LosingTheWillToLive234 The thing is until you actually leave and stick to it, he won’t believe you. Especially if you have given him chance after chance. What incentive does he have to change or sort himself out whilst you’re still there propping everything up? Are there children involved in living with this man?

Enjoy your new life with lovely clean bedding

I got rid of one last year when i realised what he was. Drinking driving conviction, accusations of being drunk at work. Then suddenly he's found God again and is reformed. Add bipolar to the mix.

Do they ever change or get over it?

Mine also didn't believe I'd end things. Right up until the moment that I did it. Then he made our lives such hell that the idea of him living in the family home until the divorce was finalised went right out of the window, and when I told him as much, he got worse. In the end he got very drunk and threatened to kill me, I called the police who took him out and informed me that I didn't have to let him back and that they would support me getting an occupation order. I still remember that first day with me and my DC, the peace, the calm, the knowledge that he was gone.

I'm so glad I divorced my alcoholic ex h, although he is still in my life as we have dc together.

The most affected is my dd who is 18, she is struggling with the fact he will never be a normal dad.

My ex will probably never stop drinking, which is a massive shame but no one can reach him.

to anyone else who is affected by an alcoholic in their life.

@perfectcolourfound Exactly. Even when he isn't drinking, I'm still waiting with anticipation until the next time. I doubt he would ever completely stop. And even if he only did this once a year, or once every 2, or 3, it would still be too much for me.

@Shapemyeyebrows We have children, which is why I have gave him so many chances. His drinking has only really started this past year. He used to have a drink before but could stop after one or two. He can't anymore. The children don't see this side of him. He goes to golf, or to the pub once or twice a month and comes back past midnight when they're in bed. He doesn't drink everyday.

I suppose I thought him seeing how much its affecting our relationship would be enough of an incentive for him to change each time. I now know how stupid that was.

@HermioneWeasley I intend to 😁

@pointythings I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I'm so sorry Op, finding he's pissed in the drawers is just disgusting. It makes it doubly hard when it's infrequent drunkeness because it's easier to brush his behaviour under the carpet but the end result is the same. I think it will be very hard to convince him he drinks too much or that you've really come to the end of your tolerance. I really hope you find the strength to end this

@Daleksatemyshed Thank you.

That's why this has gone on for so long. At first he would be able to go 2 or 3 months between drinking. He'd have a skinful, say sorry, make promises, change. Rinse and repeat.

He knows he has a problem the next morning, and for some time after. Then the 2/3 week mark passes and he thinks he'll be fine just having "a quick one after work"
I don't think I need to convince him he has a problem. I think the issue is he believes my love is unconditional and I'll be there for him no matter how many times he fucks up. Hence the constant fucking up.

But I don't need to reason with him or make him understand why I'm leaving, do I? If it's too hard for him to grasp then that's his problem. I've explained myself and if he wants to deny what's really happening because that makes it easier for him then I can't stop him. The relationship won't be continuing a moment longer than it needs to.

No, you don't need to reason with him @LosingTheWillToLive234 , if he thinks you love him so much you'll put up with anything then he's a fool. Worse than that, he thinks he can behave badly because you love him , that's pretty sneaky and unkind. I hope you'll let us know when you've left and are safe.

just ask yourself, how would he be if the tables were turned. would he hang around and love you if you were getting so drunk that you pissed everywhere?

Hey, can i join? I have one of these too thats hopefully leaving this weekend! He doesnt fall over or piss on things but enough is enough. He knows im deadly serious now about him moving out. I think its finally hit him and hes ever so remorseful - hes not had a drink the past three days (hes a daily evening/weekend drinker) to show me hes sorry and means it when hes going to make changes 😆 yeah been here a million times before unfortunately, its too late 🤷🏻‍♀️

@LosingTheWillToLive234 you are allowed to end the relationship any time, for any reason. You don't have to explain anything.

And actually, he knows. He's just pretending he doesn't know why you want out, because accepting your reasons would mean admitting he has a problem. His addiction won't let him do that. Just keep working through the process of leaving.

sorry you are going through this op - it’s a nightmare.
I agree with pp who recommended Al Anon. You will find help and support from people who are going through/have been through the same.