What would you choose? Love or parents

[abracadabra02]

I met a guy a short time after separating from my husband. I am still young, 30, and 3 young children. I never expected to meet, never mind fall in love with someone so soon after separating from my husband but possibly because I ended up not in love in my marriage, this made it easier to fall in love so quick when I met this guy.
He is out of a long tern relationship last year, never married and no children. We, together are absolutely everything I would have hoped for and more in a future relationship and both of us have seen this being exactly right for us and what we both wanted long term, but have kept it between ourselves out of respect for my ex husband as he may see it as soon after our seperation. (6months).
This weekend, the new guy let's call him, told his brother. Said I was previously married and have children. He was immediately against it and told him he can not ever let this come out to his parents as they would never ever accept it. As hard as it is, he has said after some time to think, reality has hit and he can't begin to imagine how his parents would react and would never be on board with this. He said he could never do that and cause issues within their family so that as hard as it is, he's going to have to let this go. Obviously I'm heartbroken and would never expect him to choose between us, but it has left me feeling like, was I not enough for him to take the chance and who cares what they think if you are happy but I would never ever want him to fall out with his parents, so I have just basically said OK, I understand but I am heartbroken you wouldn't try and convince them. He said their is no point, he knows exactly how they would be. I feel unreasonable even saying that because they are his mum and dad..but it hurts..a lot!

That sounds heartbreaking, Im sorry for you. xx I honestly can't say having never been in this position, but Im almost certain I'd choose love. Its my lifr not my parents, and if they chose to not be part of that then that would be on them. Neither do i think that i woukd be able to cut my own children from my life based on their choices. I may not be 100% happy but thats on me not them.

How old is he?

I would always make my own choices (and I have) over anything my parents would have wanted for me. I am incredibly grateful for this as it's meant my life is hugely better than it might have been and I'm very happy with the choices I've made.

That said, becoming a stepparent to 3 children, when you have none of your own, especially so young (I assume his is also 30 ish), is a lot. It could be his parents wouldn't accept it for whatever archaic reason or it could be that he's never really thought about the realities of what that will mean for him long term and now he has and realises he's in over his head.

Either way, sadly, I think you probably dodged a bullet. If he is driven my his parents' perceptions of who he dates, imagine the drama that could happen longer term. It won't end there. They will be meddling and controlling and you have to protect your kids above anything. That's not the sort of situation I'd be bringing them into. Or if he is just using his parents as an excuse because he doesn't have the backbone to be truthful, well, that's a huge red flag too. Sorry though, it's an absolutely rubbish situation to be in.

Sorry OP, this sounds like an excuse tbh. He will have known from the start how his parents might react, if they feel that strongly, it really wouldn't need his brother to point it out.
And why in this day and age would it cause such a problem?
A divorcee with children might not be their first choice for their son because of the extra issues that could bring, but why would they be so against it, if you make him happy? And why are their prejudices so important to him?
Most parents want to see their children happy.
I'm afraid it sounds like this he is using them as a way of saying what he really feels.
Either that or he is completely dominated by them.

Thank you for your support. I feel the same as you and that is where I feel so torn. He doesn't think I understand where he is coming from because I have begun questioning everything we had and the way he can just switch off on that basis, but I do understand. I would never see myself being worthy of coming between him and his parents, but on the other hand, I am a mother and to think he is in a position where he has to leave the love he wanted so he doesnt disappoint them or go against their morals, is so so heart breaking to think someone's child would ever choose to do that for them. His words were "I don't want to do this, but I would rather sacrifice my own happeniness to keep them happy". He said as soon as the mention of me being previously married and having children, that his Mum would be absolutely not ok with it! He is 30 also. But his parents are old style irish parents and very much care what other people would think, and this would bring almost shame on them and because its soon after my marriage ending, that it would be seen that he broke up my marriage which is absolutely not the case.

I mean would you want him to try and convince them anyway? The very fact he needs their approval for the relationship is a massive red flag.

He is 30. I admire how he respects his mum and dad and would never disrespect that, but it is at the expense of him giving up a future he had wanted.

I understand this, I do! This is the only thing comforting me at the moment, but the hurt feeling like he didn't even try is what's getting to me most. Apparently even the first mention of it would turn them against him and that I don't understand the way she is, she would be an immediate no and he couldn't risk the way she would take it due to some troubles they have had in the passed, that it would set her or his Dad back into things they have worked through. He is looking out for anything at all that may effect their mental health. I would feel absolutely distraught if my children felt this way when they were grown adults

This is a sad situation. But since his parents dont actually know about the relationship yet I think the "choice" you describe hasn't actually happened. It seems more likely he has his own reservations about the longevity of the relationship and his own idea of what his parents might think is confirming his own doubts.

You are barely months out of a marriage and have three kids to focus on. He is only just out of a long term relationship and doesn't have kids himself yet. It's a big clash of situations for both of you. You might think it's perfect love but I suspect you still have the rose-tinted glasses on.

It's impossible for me to say what I'd do in his situation because I can't imagine having parents like that. I was raised by a single mum and all she cares about with regards to my relationships is that I'm happy. I understand it's cultural for them though and cultural values are so deeply ingrained.

I can imagine how gutted you feel. It really sucks. If his parents are like that though it's probably best to end things now then to have to deal with them not accepting you further down the line.

@abracadabra02 I would hate for my child to feel like that too. It’s so good he has been honest with you at this point as I imagine it would be awful to be dragged into a toxic family dynamic. I feel sorry for him, but ultimately l if he wants a happy relationship and life he will need to Learn how to put his needs first. Sounds as though they have done some massive manipulation on him.

But at 30...most of the women available to him will have been married before. At least within the next few years. Unless he plans on dating younger women.

Tbh op it sounds like bullshit. An excuse to break up...maybe because he doesn't want to be a stepdad to 3 kids.

It's very odd op.
I'd be careful he isn't intending to 'sort of' come back and keep seeing you but keep the relationship secret.

If he wants to end it, fine (though the reasons he give...he should have known and never dated you in the first place) but make sure thats it, totally over. No secret rendezvous. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it, whilst stringing you along.

If he is so enthralled to his mammy at age 30, you have dodged a massive bullet.
It won’t feel like it now but in time you will be grateful for that. Your life with him would be hell.

Are you Irish? If not and haven’t come across those attitudes before it’s hard to comprehend . But my god, the misogyny and living in a way you think other people approve of is oppresive. They’d lie about your existence and pretend your dc didn’t exist if you stayed with him and he isn’t strong enough to stick up for you.

I know looking from the outside, it does seem like an excuse. He has always said he knows that it would be difficult to break it to them considering the way they are and how they would react but he thought his brother would understand. Once he told his brother and the reaction he got from him, was absolute fear of how if he told his parents this, how it was going to affect them and the issues it would cause at home. His brother told him no you can't do this. People are going to think you were the cause of that break up and that has completely overwhelmed him

You're best off out of it if you having the temerity to have a life before you met this guy is going to be an issue for his family.

I personally think it's an excuse

Is it a religious thing?

I honestly can see how it looks like this. But I hand on my heart know this is the truth. If he didn't want it, wouldn't it make it easier for him and I. The fact he does want this, but can't risk losing his relationship with his parents or bringing something on them they would struggle to come to terms with, is why it is all the more difficult to digest! Based on him and I, that is absolutely no question, he see's me for me and whilst the kids are a different dynamic, I wouldn't throw him into their lives anytime soon or even near soon. Absolutely not. My time with him would be away from my children until he, I or my kids felt ready. We discussed all of this. It is a hard thing for anyone to see unless knowing, but his family are beautiful people, so respectful and people within their home area think so well of them.. they are good good people. However, that is the problem.. here in Ireland and I'm sure everywhere, communities or so close, everyone knows everyone and people talk of other people's business all the time. I do not indulge in this, especially at the expense of other people's feelings and life..but that does not change other people and that is the reason his family would be concerned about this. What others would think of them and the talk it would bring

No, more of an, "it's not the norm" thing

I think it sounds like an excuse too.

It sounds like he's thrown himself headfirst into the excitement of a new relationship and now is thinking 'shit, this is getting serious, and there are 3 kids, and I'm not ready to be a dad of 3 at 30, and I don't know if I want my own kids let alone someone else's, but if I do want my own we might not end up with any as she already has 3, and I want to still go out with the lads and I won't be able to as a dad of 3, shit, shit, shit.'

And because he's thrown himself into it it's harder for him to back out and say 'actually I don't think I'm ready for this' and so it's easier to blame his family.

@abracadabra02 I asked about religion because we had a bit of an issue at the beginning of our relationship because dp's father was a devout Catholic and I was opposed to marriage, and he worried a lot about dp's soul and he found it very difficult to accept me into the family. Eventually he did, I'm glad to say. But it doesn't sound as if it's that sort of thing. I'm sorry I'm not being much help.

Sounds like it has moved very fast all round. Maybe too fast too soon for both of you?

Tbf though, you could just have moved elsewhere with him where no one needs to know your business so the community thing needent be relevant. And surely all he needs to say is 'no, they were divorced for 6 months before we even met' to his family. If his family wouldn't believe their own sons word on that...then they aren't family worth keeping.

My ex’s parents were against our relationship and my ex told them and walked out, he knew they wouldn’t be happy and decided not to stick around. I had a child from a previous relationship and wasn’t the same religion. Anyway a year or so later I fell pregnant with our DS and they obviously heard via someone and asked to meet me. I think it took a lot for them to do that, so I never held any of this against them. They have always liked me, and out of all the daughters in law I remain the only one who his parents never fell out with or even had a cross word.

I would expect someone who claimed to be in love with me to choose me over their parents, and the fact they didn’t would tell me that I clearly didn’t mean enough to them.

he sounds heavy and complicated. His family would always interfere, lucky escape.