What would you choose? Love or parents

[abracadabra02]

I met a guy a short time after separating from my husband. I am still young, 30, and 3 young children. I never expected to meet, never mind fall in love with someone so soon after separating from my husband but possibly because I ended up not in love in my marriage, this made it easier to fall in love so quick when I met this guy.
He is out of a long tern relationship last year, never married and no children. We, together are absolutely everything I would have hoped for and more in a future relationship and both of us have seen this being exactly right for us and what we both wanted long term, but have kept it between ourselves out of respect for my ex husband as he may see it as soon after our seperation. (6months).
This weekend, the new guy let's call him, told his brother. Said I was previously married and have children. He was immediately against it and told him he can not ever let this come out to his parents as they would never ever accept it. As hard as it is, he has said after some time to think, reality has hit and he can't begin to imagine how his parents would react and would never be on board with this. He said he could never do that and cause issues within their family so that as hard as it is, he's going to have to let this go. Obviously I'm heartbroken and would never expect him to choose between us, but it has left me feeling like, was I not enough for him to take the chance and who cares what they think if you are happy but I would never ever want him to fall out with his parents, so I have just basically said OK, I understand but I am heartbroken you wouldn't try and convince them. He said their is no point, he knows exactly how they would be. I feel unreasonable even saying that because they are his mum and dad..but it hurts..a lot!

I don't think it sounds like an excuse. I know several people whose parents would/did have a big influence on their life choices for cultural reasons. We don't say people who have experienced abuse and are similarly enmeshed with their parents are making excuses. Cultural reasons run very deep for some people/families.

However, the outcome is the same.

If he doesn't feel strong enough to stand up to them, it's a no go.

If he did go against them, his family would be overbearing in the future relationship, in the upbringing of any children you had in the future woth him. You would have to live with not being accepted. He would possibly have to choose between you and them permanently in the future.

It's sad that his family are like this but understandable that he feels unable to go against them too. Just a very sad and unfortunate situation.

Honestly, I think it is his decision and his parents and brother are an excuse.

I had a similar experience in my twenties but it was cultural rather than children.

It was love I believe for both of us a definite connection but it would never have worked.

But, it doesn’t mean you can’t still cherish and appreciate the time you had together. I mean it’s better to have live and lost than never to have lived at all! Life’s too short to dwell on what might have been. This is a great opportunity for you to demonstrate to your kids how resilient you are. You have shown how strong you are moving on from your husband and allowing yourself the gift of loving and being loved. Heartbreak 💔 is part of life.

Sounds like an excuse to me. He’s probably just decided that 3 kids is too much of a burden, and has made an excuse to back off. It’s a lot for anyone to take on tbh.

Loved and lost typos

If you have a close family and community, it's a lot easier to choose a partner who fits into that, rather than lose that huge aspect of your life.

I wouldn't give that up for someone I'd only known for 6 months either.

But it was really bad of him to get involved with you and lead you on, knowing his family wouldn't approve. I think he always saw you (consciously or unconsciously) as a sticking plaster to get over his previous relationship and prepared to find someone more suitable. There are many, many men from these types of families who do this - have their 'fun' (with women who love them) and then feel ready to settle down and choose someone their family approves of.

None of this says anything about you though, OP. It would have happened to anyone in your position unlucky enough to run across him at that time.

You're being quite vague, what exactly is the reaction they'll have? and what did they 'work through' that their son dating a divorced will set them back?
It's either an excuse or his parents are insufferable snobs.

I also think you’ve dodged a bullet, I am also in Ireland, so am trying to imagine this situation within my family/friends etc. I think this situation would be generally accepted and his family would be unusual nowadays to have such an extreme reaction. If it was the 80s, I could imagine it. It may be that his brother is underestimating how accepting his parents may be, faced with the reality of their son in a loving relationship. But the key thing is that your partner is not willing to rock the boat to even give them a chance, the reaction of his brother is putting him off. You want someone who will fight for you and put you first, and not be afraid of his family.

You've dodged a bullet. He isn't his own man, doesn't have your back and would make life difficult for your dcs because he wouldn't be a good parent to them, with his mum giving him grief in the background that he hasn't the gumption to stand up to.

It might hurt now but you are much better off finding a real grown up as a partner. Make sure you have a clean break. Do not allow him to keep coming back.

Are they from Catholic families ? Both of my parents come from Irish parents who were catholic and very religious . Neither of my parents are practising or even religious at all but they have this kind of thinking as well as your new guy parents do . So it may not be an excuse at all probably the way they were bought up . I’m sorry op this happened to you

As hard as it is find a man who knows his own mind

Yes, this is exactly it and it really is hard for anyone to understand unless living with people of that generation in ireland..that they are not bad people, and would not be nasty, but to bring that news home to them is almost overwhelming. Its old style thinking of, what kind of person must she be to leave her husband whom she has 3 young children with, let alone to move on quickly. I understand it. People do create their own judgement of people but I am not in anyway, what that "vision" of that type of person, would be. I am not a bad person, I just ended up marrying my teenage boyfriend in my early 20's and realised as time went on, that this was not a man that I am truly "in" love with. But people with this mind set, will view me as a terrible person for making that choice