Child said its like workaholic husband is dead😔

[Rydeontime]

Exactly that really.
Husband works a lot (including weekends) and our 11 year old said its like I'm (mum) the only parent and his father is dead.
Didn't say in an angry way. Just matter of fact, like asking for an apple.
Told husband this but he said he can't reduce his hours - he worked 5 hours a day on holiday and chose to do these hours - no-one is forcing him and its not out of economic necessity. No debts
(,only mortgage)

My mother was like this. Now her children are adults she says its one of her biggest regrets as you cant buy back time. Tbh given her absence in our childhood we dont believe thats how she feels, more so she says it because its what she thinks we want to hear.

So he can reduce his hours, but he's choosing not to?

Tragic. For your husband.

It is another form of addiction. They don't know what to do they're not working

Well he’s the one losing out isn’t he?

Ask him where his priorities lie.

Thanks for your speedy responses.
I used the words "Please engage with us at weekends" to him tonight. Let's see what happens.
I'm starting refresher-training in my profession to return to work. Told him you know what happened to dinosaurs, they didn't evolve and they've died out.

Mikado - Yes.

It's not tragic just for him. It's tragic for his son and for OP too. Their son has an absent father and he's mature enough to notice it and think his father might as well be dead cause he's never there anyway. OP I'm guessing is doing more than her share of home life duties because, yeah, her husband is never there. It's ridiculous.

My father is a workaholic, he was never there and when he was he wasn't exactly a nice person. Because I've had so little connection with him, I genuinely don't care that much whether he's dead or alive (we are NC now). I don't for a second believe he'd ever choose me over his work. I'd divorce a workaholic, personally.

I'm moving towards separation too I think.
Getting fed up with being the only adult in the house even when he's in.

I can’t believe hearing that didn’t provoke a more emotional response from your husband!

I guess you're going to have a hard time convincing him that your he's missing out(your husband), your son's missing out and that he'll, possibly, live to regret it. I used to have a 3hr swim on a Saturday and afterwards used to spend an hour in the sauna - it was an unusual, rare little community of guys that would talk openly when forced into a confined space and the one thing that nearly every guy used to regret was not having spent time with their kids when they were young - the time goes so quickly. I am very lucky, I had two short periods of redundancy that coincided with the birth of my kids which enabled me to spend time with them - I was in no rush to find another job - we were never overstretched financially and always saved and overpaid on the mortgage - I was at home for the first 6 months of their lives. I later took a 4 year career break and retrained (I had nearly 4 years of salary saved) - I later with work for 12 years to be a SAHD (because that is what I wanted to do) and also to be part-time self employed - it's unusual but I don't regret it at all - I'm very happy with the way life worked out for all of us overall.

Does your husband work for a company or does he run his own business? You say no debts(only mortgage) bit do you handle finances - are you on top of that and know that for definite? Why is he working so many long hours? Is it because he wants to retire early or that he's trying to put himself in line for a senior position with a higher salary - or is he driven by job insecurity? You really need to understand what's going on with him. I want through redundancy 6 times - I worked in a very volatile time in a highly paid technology job and had 9 jobs in 16 years at one point - hence our keenness to put money aside - it also made me realise a couple if things - a) employers really don't give a damn about their employees and frankly why should they - it's business, it's economics - so you have to think for yourself and look after your own interests. b) sh!t happens - companies downsize, lose big contracts, see a downturn in business due to strong competition, get bought out by competitors, have investment pulled at short notice (e.g. venture capitalists in the high tech sector) c) careers rarely go as you think or hope they will - promotions sometimes take longer or never materialise, extra effort is rarely rewarded the way you think or imagine - I'm not being cynical when I say that you are always just being "used" - managers/ companies really don't care about the impact the job has on your mental health, family life, finances, etc so - from my perspective, in my experience - you have to think only about yourself in the work context - not the company - that's smart thinking IMHO. Has he been out of work before? Does he have transferable skills or qualifications that mean he would be optimistic about finding other jobs or is he said conscious and insecure about work - that could be why he's working so hard to keep his employers happy.

I know!!

People choose to work as they don't want to do the alternative. It's prob more stimulating

I think it's more complicated. If the OP's husband earns well and the child benefits from that, I think to a certain extent their should be some more gratitude for what is being provided although of course it's still sad that the child feels the way they do.

I've done it when I just can't be bothered with dealing with home stuff. So I'll work instead. OP said it's not about earning more money. The situation needs unpicking.

I used to be married to someone like that. They never change. It's an addiction. I have never felt so lonely.

He is now an ExH, is sad and lonely but can work 24 hours a day every day, which he does.

Me, on the other hand, felt free the moment I left, have toured the country hiking in beautiful places, have a great circle of friends, have a job I love but does not control me and have recently met an amazing man who puts me as a priority despite also having a great job he also loves.

Don't waste your life with a person who is never there for you or his children.

I was in the same situation but with more DC. Youngest said to me one day when he was about 10 'Mum you are our parent and Dad goes to work, that's it'.

Well, first of all, he's not dead and you should be fairly brisk with your child about that. Your child will have friends who've lost parents and should know better.

But yes, you need to ask your dp what is genuinely important to him, and that if he finds being with his child less interesting than being at work that's not an excuse and most parents feel lie that sone of the time. He needs to start ringfencing time when he is reliably and completely available both physically and mentally to his child, however he feels about that time. And it needs to start now, today.

After that, there's the issue of when you get time from him. But that's another issue.

I'm glad you found happiness. X
If he's not making more effort to engage with us despite us clearly asking him to, then I think separation may be the only way to get him to spend a day with the children and for me to get time off! I'm tired also from my responsibilities with older parents.

I used to work for someone like that - vivid memories of episodes such as him phoning home from a work do overseas because it was his child's birthday, or of myself getting random calls from his supposed holidays. I used to "jokingly" ask him whether he wasn't worried that I was getting far more attention from him than his family (I was - no, nothing untoward, he was just a workaholic and I his right-hand woman).

He was laid off eventually in one of our downsizing waves. Has finally learned to tell his children apart and gained a memory of how he was related to that woman who minds them.

I see him occasionally. He looks really, really well. Less hyper. I like that version of him.

I really hope for his sake that he doesn't get another job like his last one. But then, he may. I always felt it was an addiction to him.

I truly believe divorcing was the only way yo get my shit husband to step up as a father. He's still a lazy fucker in general, but he is a better father than he used to be. And I get EOW plus occasional bank holidays and longer stretches of time to myself now.

Hi Midge.
That's the way I feel too.
I'm on 60mg Prozac a day cos I'm panicky, sad and anxious.
I organise holidays, savings for children and I, my pension - he's organised his savings and pension but didn't think to do it for us!
I'm sick of asking him to make space in his life, in his head for us.

Hi Permanent, yes, my child should know better but it's also a statement of how he feels, which school and I have been working on.
His father needs constant encouragement to say how he feels.

I'm thinking it'll be a gradual evolution into a separation, rather than one big "bang".

i'm married to a (much less extreme) version of your husband who, luckily, has a bit more self-awareness and has developed good relationships with his kids despite his natural inclinations (partly because i was very ill when my first was born). i think there are common traits in those who are self-employed and it can be good to explore why certain individuals are willing to sacrifice their personal relationships for work when they are not having to (eg. in order to keep a roof over your heads). its not often money thats the main driver. i would personally put it on the line that you are considering separation and that you want your husband to engage in relationship counselling to avoid this. If he's not willing to engage then thats your answer, sadly.