Child said its like workaholic husband is dead😔

[Rydeontime]

Exactly that really.
Husband works a lot (including weekends) and our 11 year old said its like I'm (mum) the only parent and his father is dead.
Didn't say in an angry way. Just matter of fact, like asking for an apple.
Told husband this but he said he can't reduce his hours - he worked 5 hours a day on holiday and chose to do these hours - no-one is forcing him and its not out of economic necessity. No debts
(,only mortgage)

I had a 20+ year marriage to someone who sounds very similar to your DH OP. My kids also said they wouldn't mind if he died as they never see him anyway and when he's around he isn't spending time with them. I left last year and after some therapy I have realised that what he was doing was emotional abuse (he was also abusive financially and towards the end physically).

Putting children on this planet to then just ignore them and their needs is cruel. The children see other father/child relationships around them and realise how different it is with their own father and it makes them feel inadequate and unloved. I overcompensated that side massively when they were growing up and today they are both young adults and say that they didn't feel unloved as children, but they did feel that I gave them 100% love and that they don't trust their dad as it felt like he only gave them love when someone from the outside would be able to validate it. This is completely true. The only times he did spend time with them he posted it on social media and got loads of "Dad of the year" types of comments. The truth was that these one or two occasions per year was really the only times he bothered to spend any quality time with them.

I wish I had left sooner. I wish the kids didn't have to grow up feeling insecure and let down by their dad's lack of involement and care. I think it would have been better if they lived with me and saw him once or twice a month.

I also think you need to lay it on the line here. You expect engagement/involvement on the weekend or else you'll be looking at separation. If you still love him, consider marriage counselling?

I’m married to a workaholic who did manage to change when Dc became teenagers. I told him this was his last chance to build a relationship with them and if he didn’t, he would deeply regret it. He really did make an effort and did change. DDs are late twenties now and have a brilliant relationship with him.

I would ask how was your DHs childhood @Rydeontime My dh’s grew up on a farm, was working very long hours every holiday and weekend from 10 years old and didn’t know any different, he is very low contact with his own parents now, because of the way they treated him. So it was no surprise really that he needed help to realise life isn’t all about work! Could your dh benefit from counselling?

Mines the same OP. He used to work long days (until 10/11pm at night) and then all weekend too. Now he’s got a new hobby/lifestyle that takes up all his time. Sometimes I see him for three minutes a day, occasionally not at all. We work in the same office (I’m part time) so he sees that as spending time together!

When our daughter was about 4/5 (7 now) she once referred to him as “the strange man who sometimes visits.”

I do like my own company, but like you, we have almost no connection now. I feel more sad for my child than I do for me.

No idea what the answer is because forcing someone to spend time with you is not quality time is it?

His father worked long hours too.

Dixon, that's terrible.
It's not a marriage, it's sharing an office and nothing else for you.

My dad is one of these. He's currently 75 and driving himself towards alcoholism because he is struggling with the stress of keeping up with the pace he used to have as a younger man.

He talks constantly about seeing his 4 kids more, slowing down etc but its always after he reaches a certain milestone or income and he's been saying it for probably 20 years. I've more or less given up on him, he's recently buried two of his brothers and even that hasn't changed anything.

All 4 of us have a very superficial relationship and I'm not sure if he could name his four grandchildren. My memory of him as a child was either him shut in his office or working abroad. Occasional he would cook his signature dish (twice a year) but mum did the bulk of the parenting until the loneliness drove her to an affaire. He only got worse as he aged. Didn't stop him remarrying and doing the same to my stepmum.

Play him Cat's in the Cradle on a loop. s

I do wonder what his perspective would be. You say he doesn't need to work those hours because you don't have debts, but it also sounds like he is the sole earner with a mortgage, SAHM wife, and two (or more?) children to support.

Update: I asked him to engage more with us and make room in his head for us (children, family, couple).
It's working so far - just need to keep reminding him when he's slipping.

For one reason or another he would rather be at work than with his family. Not good. Is he having an affair. I would always suspect there is a chance of this with those workaholic husbands never at home.

I worked in a large local authority office years ago. So many men worked late when in the role we did, there was no need to. They'd also be chatting on phone, watching football on phone and just lounging around. Some men find family life boring and don't want to do housework or childcare. Easy to dodge it all when you can just say you're having to work. I'm self-employed and know other women who are too. We found time to juggle life and be with DCs. Just thinking of the self-employed men I know, they're always out working.

Having always worked in predominantly male environments, I agree with this. So many men, particularly traditional types who had traditional fathers themselves, are ambivalent (at best) about becoming parents and agree to do so mainly because the woman they love wants to be a mother and he wants to make her happy.
When the children do appear, these men find out that the reality of being a parent is just as bad as they feared, they really don’t enjoy it at all and, well, it wasn’t them who wanted the children in the first place, was it?
So they take the role of ‘provider’ and spend more time at work because it’s preferable to family time.

No one can have a meaningful relationship with someone who isn't there. My exH was the same. He worked all the time. Now he's a millionaire but lives alone, has no friends, no partner, no hobbies or interests, fell out with his family and our DC really don't want to be around him.

He's working from home, so no chance of an affair.

That is quite bizarre. So he has opted out of family life but is still in the house presumably 'at work'