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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So fed up - strict DH

26 replies

Nowheretogo1985 · 12/09/2023 19:48

I need some advice please. I'm honestly at a loss.
Me and my husband both have different ways of parenting our children. He is harsh and overly strict with them in my opinion. I'm slightly softer and prefer a different approach. I really don't like the tone in which he speaks to them and also to me. This evening I said our daughter cried when she spilt her milk because she was probably worried he was going to roar at her. Now because of this comment (which i said in front of the kids tbf) he's taken himself into a different room as he didn't think that was a fair comment. I've been off work the last couple of days ill too, I'm feeling so stressed at the moment and low. And now I'm sat in the living room by myself he doesn't want to be with me. Like a punishment. Tried to talk to him about it but he walked off, he is so annoyed with me.
So fed up 😪

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 12/09/2023 19:52

Seems ott reaction for a tiny comment. Maybe the truth has hit a nerve.

What's his relationship like with his own parents?

Sometimes my kid cries if he spills something and it's because he was really looking forward to it and obviously thinks there's no more etc not crying because he's scared of my reaction (which is generally "ooopsy daisy, we can wipe that up and get you a new cup").

If your husband would genuinely roar at something like that, then he needs anger management classes as that is ridiculous and not fair to the kids.

Original poster
Nowheretogo1985 · 12/09/2023 20:04

He gets annoyed with crumbs, mess, spillages, shoes out. He gets frustrated if I've cooked and made a mess. Not sure about his relationship with his parents tbh but kno their house when he was a child was immaculate. His mum doesn't like mess at all.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 12/09/2023 20:06

This isn't good for your kids' emotional wellbeing nor your own mental health. Home should be a safe and happy place

Shouldbedoing · 12/09/2023 20:09

This thread is about the same problem. The OP is ending the marriage to protect her kids. The OP is a teacher so she is relatively confident in her parenting skills. It may help you see a way through.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4893149-husband-has-just-walked-out?page=2&reply=129134558

Monty27 · 12/09/2023 20:20

Good grief OP. He roars at a child! He wouldn't be in my house.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 12/09/2023 20:21

Best leave all the cooking to dh.

Perfect28 · 12/09/2023 20:23

Does he work and you stay at home? If so, can you change that dynamic? Can he do Flexi time and you go back to work? Did you discuss parenting before you became parents and if so what were the bits you agreed on, try to find common ground in discussions.

TGGreen · 12/09/2023 20:30

You need to leave to protect your children's mental health. Children aren't supposed to be so scared they cry when they spill drinks over the fear of a parent's reaction.

Notaflippinclue · 12/09/2023 20:31

Life is too short for roaring at kids making them cry and sulking when challenged - he needs to grow up and chill

TicTacNicNak · 12/09/2023 20:34

My kids used to be scared of their dads reaction if they had an accident or did something wrong. He was always OTT telling them off. Even as a late teen one was affected. I remember my youngest DD, then aged 19, had been out in her car and on her return she misjudged the tight turn into our driveway and she scraped all down the side of the car. Husband has a thing about cars that they must always been clean and immaculate (twat!) DD actually rang me from her car, in floods of tears, because she was too terrified to come in.

I remember telling him matter of factly that DD has had an accident and scraped her car badly but she's too scared to come indoors because she's frightened how he's going to react. I said to remember it's just a car and can be fixed and could he please just for once show some empathy to her when she's distressed. He did behave on that occasion but he didn't change in general and neither of my DDs particularly like him now.

Zanatdy · 12/09/2023 20:37

Use this as an opportunity to tell him that’s it’s not right that his child is this scared of him. It’s terrible they are living in fear of his reaction.

Marblessolveeverything · 12/09/2023 21:12

Reading your op, it could be seen as emotional abuse. I have been saying it for decades nobody needs to roar at children.

Spills happen and will happen more often when worried about them. Hasn't he little to be worrying about.

Yes discipline for unacceptable behaviour not mistakes.

TrishM80 · 13/09/2023 03:42

This is why I hate neat freaks.

momonpurpose · 13/09/2023 04:12

Kids are crumbs spilled milk shoes out. I'm 49 and I spill milk get crumbs on the sofa too. I really hope he stops this.

LadyBitsnBobs · 13/09/2023 04:27

I live with a similar dh he gets cross about mess but has learned to curb his temper mostly. Regularly I have to remind him but I told him years ago that I won’t have him talking to our kids like that and I won’t live in a show home.

we also have a cleaner as my dh mental health is better when house is cleaned top to bottom. Sometimes I reflect sadly on how sterile his childhood was, for him to be this way.

if you split up, kids might be with him 50:50 so I decided better to stay and teach dh that crumbs don’t matter at all. He’s getting there.

Fizzology · 13/09/2023 05:17

So your parenting styles are very different. Your housekeeping expectations are very different. And communication seems to be poor.

That's not a recipe for a happy home life for anyone.

Is he expecting you to do all the work of keeping the house to
his immaculatr standard? Then he's an arse. Or is he constantly scrubbing pots and polishing the floor while you leave a trail of destruction behind?

Fizzology · 13/09/2023 05:21

It's not abuse to express mild frustration with a spill, as long as you rein it in. Oh, dc... sigh. Ok. Here's your new milk - now, let's not wave our hands about at the table.

Roaring, if that's an accurate description, is another matter.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2023 06:30

What are you getting out of this relationship!

If this is misery for you then it is misery for your kids also. You’ve used the words harsh and overtly strict to describe him along with roaring.

Trying to protect your children from this whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. Plan your exit from this now before you and your children end up enduring even more of his nest freak behaviour. He learnt a lot of damaging lessons from his mother who is also similar.

frozendaisy · 13/09/2023 07:46

Have you sat him down and told him calmly for the sake of his children this barking Victorian dad nonsense has to stop.

For them.

If his love for his children doesn't change his behaviour then I doubt anything will.

justlikebuses · 13/09/2023 07:52

Does he always Darvo?

Deny - "I'd never roar"
Attack - "well, you did xyz"
Reverse Victim and Offender - "now you've made me upset"

Classic abuser trait.

aSofaNearYou · 13/09/2023 11:10

Well, does he actually roar? I don't feel like there are enough examples of how he is with them here and people are jumping to conclusions in the comments. All you've actually said is that in your opinion he's too strict.

Original poster
Nowheretogo1985 · 13/09/2023 20:57

I've tried talking to him, he doesn't see it the way I do. Plus He finds communicating so so difficult. He shuts down, he feels like I'm attacking him and I'm criticising his parenting style.
I'm sensitive to his needs and the fact that mess is a trigger to this so I'm hugely mindful of this at all times, and tidy up etc

OP posts:
Cleotolstoy · 14/09/2023 09:32

You're all walking on egg shells. That's a miserable life for anyone.

billy1966 · 14/09/2023 09:39

If you are all walking on eggshells it is abuse, pure and simple.

Your children are definitely feeling it too.

Are you happily married?

I think you should call Womens aid for a chat, because this is not a nice environment for children to grow up in.

AmandaHoldensLips · 14/09/2023 09:47

Who made him King Of The Household?

Being able to communicate without behaving like a stroppy arsehole is a basic adulting skill.

He has no right to make you and the children feel unsafe and on edge. Tell him you need to sit down together without the children and have an adult conversation. If he can't handle that without walking off in a big huff, then you have a serious problem on your hands.

He either addresses his behaviour or goes to live elsewhere. With his mother perhaps by the sounds of it.

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