If you've gone NC with a parent - what shocked you the most?

[VORE]

Went NC with both my parents about a year ago and still dealing with the grief of losing the family that inner-child me wishes she had.

Bit of back story - if you've ever read 'Adult Chidren Of Emotionally Imature Parents' then my dad is the typical emotionally abusive dictator with narcasstic personality traits (not a full blown narcassit but has a lot of the traits). Majority of the abuse was emotional with some instances of physical violence - mother always blamed me for this for 'winding him up'.

My mother is the typical 'passive parent' - turning a blind eye to the abuse, making our whole families sole purpose in life to passify my father (no matter how ridiculous his behaviour), literally creating her own reality where things just get wiped from her memory or she just pretends they arent happening (using alochol as a way to disassociate - will easily drink 2-3 bottles of wine a day), throwing money and gifts at me as a way to aswage her guilt and then using against me if I ever challeneged the abuse because 'I couldnt want for anything'. Acts like a complete victim/martyr, as if she too is powerless and like some how she is in the trenches with us when she is/was the only one other adult and the one who had to power to walk away and protect her children.

Narrative has always been that I was 'awful' and always a 'problem' - classic blaming a child for an adults actions.

But despite all this up until I went NC, you would think that my parents and I were very close and I probably would have said the same. Saw them once or twice a week, would speak to my mum on the phone everyday etc, not neccessarily close with my dad but definitley my mum. If you had told me that I would go NC with them a few years ago I would never have believed you.

However once I had a child of my own about 18 month ago I started having immense anxiety everytime I would see them or have them around my child, it would set me back for days, my OCD went wild and it got to the point where I felt like I was on the verge of having a nervous break down. Once I started seeing a therpist I had to come to terms with the fact that what I had suffered through was actually abuse and a lot of my symptoms were similar to that of PTSD and that this was all a response to how truly emotionally unregulated my parents make me and that now I had my own child I felt this deep need to pretect them from my parents.

Prior to going NC one of the things I was so terrified of was how they would react considering how 'close' we were - I was sure that I would have them turning up at my door, sending me letters, speaking to my husbands parents, speaking to my friends etc.

But the thing that has shocked me most is that they have absolultley NOTHING. I have not heard a peep - sent them a text one day explaing how I felt and then that was it - not heard a word since. I think I struggle with this a lot because its the classic thing of a neglected child just wanting to be chosen but it has once again re affirmed to me that their love is completley conditional on me taking part in the establised narrative and family dynamic they want to have and that when push comes to shove they really will just sack me off if I become too difficult.

Curious to see what other people found most shocking or eye opening about the NC experience?

I get where you're coming from but sending that message and hoping for a response can feel like you didn't mean it, make them feel like you've won or even that you're playing games. The best outcome for all of you was that they didn't respond.

What shocked me the most is that the rest of my family gradully went NC with me because I refused to get back in contact with my mother. I don't know what other colourful tales of victimhood she has spun, but my aunt, whom I had a good relationship with previously, now refuses to talk to me, too, and when I try to get in touch will only send angry emojis. I lost contact with my cousin and uncle, too, and was not invited to the funeral when my uncle passed away. I was not informed of, or invited to, the funeral of a grandparent.

So now I have no birth family.

I don't have experience of this, but your post was incredibly full of wisdom and I think to come through all that to the point where you can see it clearly in its rightful contact is an absolute miracle so I just wanted to say hats off to you for being the point where the cycle stops for your child.
I wish you well dealing with your personal scars and hope that one day your mental health is in such a good place that you can confidently say you have come an incredibly long way.
You and your child deserve all the happiness and warmth you were never given. I hope you find it in your motherhood and the relationships you choose.

@Michiru 💐
So sorry to hear the deep cost of standing up for yourself.

Mine is a nice one. I went NC with my ‘father’
21 years ago and his family all sided with me and DM (they were divorced) so now we have a happy family life and he can go rot.

Nothing shocks me about mine. Their behaviour is the reason I went NC with them. It took them about ten years before they stopped contacting me (although we probably only spoke a couple of times a year if that since I left home at 18).

I'm NC with my mother and not a single person in the entire family have questioned it, which says a lot really. I phoned her recently (after 3 years) after I'd heard she'd finally thrown my abusive stepfather out. I'd hoped she'd changed, that I might get my actual mother back or atleast some acknowledgement/apology for all the abuse. Nope, nothing. In fact, she was the one ended the call. I'm a mother myself now and find her behaviour even more mind boggling.

Forgiveness coming. That shocked the hell out of me.

I had spent decades gritting my teeth at each “forgiveness will set you free” that came my way. And I thought it was a load of bollocks.

But then it came, uninvited, from within the storm of grief I was in. And free I was.

Not unscarred, without regret or a yearning for how thing had supposed to be. Not without sadness for the way things actually were. But free.

I just wish the people who say it to people like me could provide a map for getting there quicker. Everybody says the forgive part, but nobody seems able to explain how, or what the steps are. It always sounded like I was supposed to magically know what to do. But I didn’t.

And I still have no real idea how I got here. One minute I was on the other side of the Forgive river, the next over on this side.

I found the amount of people who have an opinion on me being NC with my mother rather irritating.
Its been six years and as she gets older people are quick to tell me how I will regret it when she dies .

Their total toxicity. And the lies they told about me to extended family and not caring how much that upset elderly , vulnerable relatives. I suspect my mother lied to an elderly relative to get her to change her Will ( do many women in their 90s choose to change their Will?) no proof but strongly suspect she did.

Sad to hear so many other posters have parents so awful they have to be cut off.

Same really. I think they didn’t have the capacity to know how to deal with it and just shut down.
It’s easier to forget about it
or for it to be something that’s happening that’s out of their control. it’s just another one of my decisions as the difficult child, they’re just doing what I ask but they’re the victims of my wishes.

I don’t think many people certainly not emotionally immature people could take the burden of knowing they fucked up that badly, and try to process it and counter it every day by reaching out and attempting to repair the situation. That’s a hard task and you know yourself they’re not up to that job.

I’ve heard lots of people in my life (and on MN) say their family member is NC with them, I’ve never once heard anyone say that they deserve it, or understand it
I have heard plenty of times though that they don’t know why and they don’t think it’s fair.

For me the eye opener was with distance I could truly see how manipulative my parents have always been. They are selfish, grabby, attention seeking narc and enabler. The behaviour patterns suddenly became blindingly obvious.

I find it very hard to be honest about my childhood because I was ashamed and embarrassed by their alcoholism and my mum was a serial shagger. Constant screaming arguments and violence that the whole neighborhood could hear. I left home at 17.

The end started last summer, the rage they trigger in me, always wanting and demanding. The hours every week on the phone, having to sort shit out and hours every day when either in hospital. Listening to my mum wittering on for hours about god knows what when I am working.

There was a massive argument in January that was it for me, the last straw, I just didn't have the time, headspace or energy to deal with their drama and shit for another second, I went NC.

There is a great analogy about the crazy narc rocking the boat while others try to steady the boat. I finally decided to get out the boat. Of course that has meant my dad and siblings are now having to pick up the slack to stop the boat tipping over, they WANT me back in the boat to make their lives easier. I was so use to the dysfunction of my crazy boat rocking mother that calm, quiet, peace felt uncomfortable at first. I will never give up my sanity again.

I was badly neglected as a child and treated badly as an adult but they say it is my responsibility to look after them now they are 90 years old, frail and struggling. I realise no matter how hard I try they will never be the parents I hoped for, they only care about themselves.

Wish I had walked away 30 years ago.

I agree with this
one day I just wasn’t angry. I just knew they weren’t capable of better. I still don’t want them in my life, but that’s ok.
i spent a lot of time questioning but what do you mean by forgiveness and how can you forgive
but one day I was just here.
i was really surprised

I'm so sorry to hear that, isn't it awful when growing up all you want is your parents love and approval, and then we find ourselves trying through adulthood to get nothing, then to go no contact and hear and nothing almost reiterates that same feeling. I went NC with my mum 2 years ago now and have also had absolutely no response, although she actually physically assaulted me at that point so I'm assuming she probably thinks she isn't to blame. This could be the case, perhaps they just think its your problem, not theirs - typical abusive parent style. After a while, it'll get easier, you'll feel so free of their toxicity, things only get better when you cut these people out and that's a promise. You deserve more and you're worthy of more, so is your child and so is your inner child. All the best x

Forgiveness for me came when I could see why they were the way they are. The damage they went through as kids.

Low contact here, and I do have a fair few people asking why and assuming I miss them, given they're my only family (other than my kids). Nope. Really don't.

I was also surprised by how little of a shit mum gave when I stopped chasing up contact. But I'd see that as wrong in someone else's mum, so logically it must be wrong for her too, therefore not my fault. She's a mess. But not my responsibility.

It amazes me how complicit people become and as a PP said the cost of standing up for yourself.

For me the shocking part, though it shouldn't be, is how many people will privately agree with you for going NC but outwardly support the person. It's like they know, they see, they sympathise with you but stand with them at every opportunity so you end up further alienated.

Same happened to me OP. The worst thing was when I moved away and stopped seeing them they just didn't care. There has never been an apology, a birthday message or anything.its as if I never existed.
I love my own DS dearly and could never just forget about him like this.

Good question @VORE

Lots of things really. To start with I was devastated that my birth family on DMs side wouldn't speak to me for going NC, despite her toxicity being well known. Apparently I was meant to just put up with the abuse.

How absolutely brilliant it still feels 12 years on not to have to live her drama and her story day in, day out.

The fact I now have a relationship with my estranged father. (She was a classic narcisstic parent and played us off against each other for 30 years).

How much I don't miss her.

Unfortunately she was absolutely all encompassing when I went NC. Could not leave us alone. Was very distressing for quite a while. But age and time seem to have reduced that.

The sadness I feel at never being able to get to some sort of relationship to the way "it should have been".

How keenly I feel the loss of a grandmother for the DCs.

So mixed really. Positives massively outweigh negatives but definitely sadness in there too.

What is incredible about you op is your reaction to having your beautiful child around them. The flight/fight response kicking in to warn you. It’s possible to learn more about this condition - complex PTSD by Pete Walker will help you to recover and give you the confidence needed to understand how this impacts you.

I imagine you might worry about your child not seeing any grandparents? Or if you are overreacting?

My story was similar to yours, but I didn’t listen to my warning bells. I allowed the relationship to continue despite my deep concerns, I wanted to give my dp a ‘second chance’ - big mistake.

1. I realised I couldn’t even recognise abuse, I was a boiled frog around my parents and when my Dad lost his temper I didn’t think much of it, but my dc were really terrified.

2. I never thought my Dad would start on my dc, but he absolutely did and my dd was so distressed. That was a red line for me, and I cut contact immediately.

3. The agony, and I can only call it that of my parents withdrawing deliberately when I had just had major life changing surgery, choosing to disengage to play games when I needed them most. They gave me the silent treatment for 9 months because my severe medical prognosis was ‘making my mother ill with stress, and worry’ and she needed to be protected, so they cut me off! Just like that. My dh and friends were incredulous. I was still in hospital when she did it and was to notice for a few weeks, but when I did, the pain was excruciating. I didn’t even understand at the time why she wasn’t calling. It was so sad. So understand the confusion around a lack of response.

When my df started to mistreat my child I decided to cut contact for good, I would not put them through what I went through. It took me a few attempts but I managed it.

During therapy that followed, I realised the terrible destruction he had caused, the pure hate I felt for him to attempt to destroy my child and to realise he would never be allowed to come back into our lives. I was suffering severe panic attacks just thinking of seeing him. I had complex PTSD and can still see the literal scars on my face that he caused.

I gathered my strength and battled through every Christmas without a family, every Easter or family events. We too were dropped from family parties slowly when people realised this was bigger than a small row, my brother cut me off for refusing to play along and stay quiet. I lost most of my family, all of them in fact, and yet I don’t care. It is a price worth paying to keep my children safe. I take the pain, the loss, the heartbreak to not allow my dc to be exposed to their cruelty.

So op cruel parents don’t turn into Father Christmas overnight when they become gps. They bide their time and strike when they see fit.

Your child would never ever be safe around them.

Do you know what my mother did? She ignored it, the same as always, and walked outside. A leopard never changes its spots. My mother was the same as yours.

Look at the drama triangle, it will help you see the dynamic. Your father the persecutor.

You have been so strong.

My biggest shock was the panic and confusion when he nearly died recently. I still was too afraid to see him even at that moment. It’s left me feeling vulnerable and exposed because I thought I would be ready and I was not.

I have only posted my story so you can know what happens if you relent or fall for believing this could be different if only x, y and z were in place. They are who they are, and WILL harm your children directly or indirectly.

OP I could have written your post word for word, only ibdidnt go NC. My DF is now ill with dementia, we feel free to speak out now about our experiences and I'm trying to build a relationship with DM. It sounds ridiculous to say we can now speak, but we just couldn't before,.DM would defend him no matter how cruel he was or how hurtful. She has admitted she was scared of him and I said so scared you threw your own children under the bus to save yourself. Part of me understands part of me will never forgive her. I feel like a coward though as I was always the one that fought back and DM said DF was frustrated he couldn't break me but he did I just wouldn't let him see. I feel like a coward because now when he's frail and sick and his mind is slow I say what I have always wanted too and now isn't the time, but he beat us down mentally so much. I doubt I will ever have a good relationship with DB hes an alcoholic and lived in the dog eat dog atmosphere DF created and hasn't let that go. I dont know how I feel anymore about DF I keep hoping one day he will be what I wanted but I know if he didn't have dementia he woukd still be the nasty controlling bully he always has been

The rest of my families reaction was another huge fear of mine, as I was sure that all of my mums family would give me sh*t for not talking to her because the ‘poor mum the victim’ narrative was so drilled into me that I thought everyone else saw my mum the same…. Turns out they all agree with my decision and no one has tried to convince me otherwise.

This was actually one of the more pleasant surprises as it means I now spend much nicer quality time with my other family members, without my parents there causing a dark anxiety inducing cloud over everything waiting for my dad to kick off about something or row with someone or my mum to get too drunk.

Unfortunately I think people like our mothers are so deep in it and have lied to themselves for so many years that when we hold a mirror up to their behaviour it’s much easier to just switch us off and blame us, than take a look at themselves.

Yes I have been told by other family members that my going NC has only pushed them closer together and made their toxic dynamic even more toxic.

The narrative they are pushing is that:

• I am just ‘ungrateful’ because I ‘couldn’t have wanted for anything’ - truly generous people don’t hold their gifts over peoples heads and use it as a way to control and manipulate or justify abuse. Like ‘sorry your dad left you a 20 mins voicemail of abuse about how much he hated you while you were sitting in science class - here’s a 100 quid!’

• my mum has said privately that she was just doing ‘the best she could’ - the best and the easiest are not the same thing.

• I am suffering with post natal depression- this is the best one because going NC with them is the one thing that has helped my mental health immensely since having my son. I am the most mentally sound now than I have been in 15 years! Blaming ‘mental health’ is another classic from toxic parents ‘it can’t possibly be us, she’s just crazy’.

thats what frustrates me so much - is that it really is any old excuse just to do anything but self reflect.

my husband and I say the same thing about our son - if he had a problem or issue with us we would move mountains to fix the relationship!

@Tara336 ’She has admitted she was scared of him and I said so scared you threw your own children under the bus to save yourself’

Literally this. My mum loyalty is only to herself. She loves you unconditionally until its time to save herself.

Hmmm, I had similar to be honest. To this day I’m not sure if I went nc with my mother or she went nc with me. She was round here after doing her usual sulking/hissy fit over something so daft it’s untrue. She’d come round to pick an item up as arranged and rang my doorbell and then refused to come in or talk to me. I gave her the item, helped carry it to the car and she left.

my brother rang my mum and said her behaviour in general was unacceptable and she needed to apologise to him and me and we never really heard from her again.

my brother wrote and said we were open to a meeting but we had to discuss her behaviour, no reply.

about two years later she emailed saying she thought she had cancer and that we needed to step up and help with hospital appointments. She copied about 5 of her friends in as well. We didn’t respond.

so yes, I’m surprised in one way she didn’t want to sort things out. But then not so surprised, she was a total narcissist so wouldn’t have liked being called out. She never would have apologised in a million years. She would never admit she was wrong. But yes, a shame she would put her own stubbornness above sorting things out.

over the years I do actually believe she convinced herself of a different reality. I know she told friends that we had cut her off because we were selfish and bored. I was surprised that as far as I can tell some of her friends believed her. These included old family friends who I’d known all my life. After she died I got sent a nasty letter from beyond the grave detailing my failings, how much she hated me and that I was a nasty, selfish daughter who just couldn’t be arsed with her and that was the only reason I’d gone NC with her . I think she might have believed it…..either that or she just wanted to get the last word of nastiness in! She used to be close to Dd and I would have thought would have wanted to sort things out so she could see Dd again.

There are so many truths in this thread. I think every poster has said something that resonates with my own parental situation.

I think my biggest shock was that when the break point finally came that it was easy. I’ve been torturing myself for decades (quite literally about 35 years) but it has been so easy to walk away and draw that line. I’ve genuinely haven’t looked back and my life has taken upturn after upturn after upturn since I went NC because I don’t have the emotional drag chain sucking it all out of me anymore.

And that the younger ones in the family see it most clearly. My 24 year old nephew told me that he wasn’t the least bit surprised and that he had spent his whole life watching me set myself on fire to try and keep them warm. Wise and unexpected words.

My DB (who I love enormously but who has always been the golden child) was very keen to broker a reconciliation, but has now gone very quiet. I think the reality of just how much shit I have taken over the years hit him like a brick when he has tried to reason with my Ps and discovered just how aggressive they are.

As a PP said, that dawning realisation that their live is completely conditional on you toeing their line is horrible but it sets you free.