If you've gone NC with a parent - what shocked you the most?

[VORE]

Went NC with both my parents about a year ago and still dealing with the grief of losing the family that inner-child me wishes she had.

Bit of back story - if you've ever read 'Adult Chidren Of Emotionally Imature Parents' then my dad is the typical emotionally abusive dictator with narcasstic personality traits (not a full blown narcassit but has a lot of the traits). Majority of the abuse was emotional with some instances of physical violence - mother always blamed me for this for 'winding him up'.

My mother is the typical 'passive parent' - turning a blind eye to the abuse, making our whole families sole purpose in life to passify my father (no matter how ridiculous his behaviour), literally creating her own reality where things just get wiped from her memory or she just pretends they arent happening (using alochol as a way to disassociate - will easily drink 2-3 bottles of wine a day), throwing money and gifts at me as a way to aswage her guilt and then using against me if I ever challeneged the abuse because 'I couldnt want for anything'. Acts like a complete victim/martyr, as if she too is powerless and like some how she is in the trenches with us when she is/was the only one other adult and the one who had to power to walk away and protect her children.

Narrative has always been that I was 'awful' and always a 'problem' - classic blaming a child for an adults actions.

But despite all this up until I went NC, you would think that my parents and I were very close and I probably would have said the same. Saw them once or twice a week, would speak to my mum on the phone everyday etc, not neccessarily close with my dad but definitley my mum. If you had told me that I would go NC with them a few years ago I would never have believed you.

However once I had a child of my own about 18 month ago I started having immense anxiety everytime I would see them or have them around my child, it would set me back for days, my OCD went wild and it got to the point where I felt like I was on the verge of having a nervous break down. Once I started seeing a therpist I had to come to terms with the fact that what I had suffered through was actually abuse and a lot of my symptoms were similar to that of PTSD and that this was all a response to how truly emotionally unregulated my parents make me and that now I had my own child I felt this deep need to pretect them from my parents.

Prior to going NC one of the things I was so terrified of was how they would react considering how 'close' we were - I was sure that I would have them turning up at my door, sending me letters, speaking to my husbands parents, speaking to my friends etc.

But the thing that has shocked me most is that they have absolultley NOTHING. I have not heard a peep - sent them a text one day explaing how I felt and then that was it - not heard a word since. I think I struggle with this a lot because its the classic thing of a neglected child just wanting to be chosen but it has once again re affirmed to me that their love is completley conditional on me taking part in the establised narrative and family dynamic they want to have and that when push comes to shove they really will just sack me off if I become too difficult.

Curious to see what other people found most shocking or eye opening about the NC experience?

I didn’t they did it to
me I was 51 I am still really shocked that I spent my whole life thinking they cared when in reality they don’t and we’re only tolerating me while I was useful to them or did what my mum wanted , after that it was like I never existed

A beautiful and hopeful post x

I went nc about 12/13 years

Mother the narc,father the enabler,two brothers are narc,one brother is jow the scapegoat,wider family are the flying monkeys

I'm amazed at the content of the lies they have told-I can take that I'm a slag but to tell my children that I belong in Broadmoor,I steal,I lie,I'm a nutter-the list is endless

The wider family just dumped me-i know half of them are as thick as two short planks but the other half-i thought we where close-they either blank me in the street or chase me screaming abuse

Ditto people she knows-ive been chased and abused-screaming at me to speak to her 'or else'

I've never met my sil-she will cheerfully tell you jow much due hates me-ive never met her-i couldn't point her out in a line up-but she knows everything about me (she thinks anyway)

I've not had a birthday nor Xmas present/card in the last 15 years-

I've been whitewashed out of the family-i simply don't exist unless they are forced to admit it

The hate campaign-I've had endless abuse on sm (blocked),they've sent the flying monkeys to find out where I live/work,they've passed messages on via the flying monkeys my friends and children have had them trying to drip poison in their ears-they certainly tried the same with dp-he told them to fuck off,so they backed off from him-so much more

trigger warning
They invited my rapist to stay with them-and made it clear they are friends with him-they even showed up in support for him in the court case-he was found not guilty and I'm sure that the fact they where there helped sway the jury

I keep my head down and just try to rise above it-im better than them

I also feel like I have no birth family 💐. I've lost three relatives and only found out about their deaths months later.

What shocked me about NC with my parents was they weren't prepared to work on our relationship. It was their way or the highway.

So I'm on the highway but I live on my own terms. I get to be fully me.

Wishing you all the best OP.

I went NC with my father for many years. When he died I just felt relief and only then could I forgive him.

I think the realisation of the love being conditional is the biggest shock. Can’t imagine being like that with my dc.

@AlienatedChildGrown
Well done ! Enjoyed reading your post, but can not quite understand how you came to forgive. do you have a faith? Christians are told they must forgive, for me it is just so difficult. I wish you knew the secret and can share the details! Thankyou for sharing

There seem to be a lot of armchair psychiatrists diagnosing their parents as ‘Narcs’ on MN . I’m intrigued as to why when going no contact, you are upset when you contact them and they don’t reply, as that’s what you want isn’t it?

As I said in my post one of the biggest reasons I was so afraid of going no contact was that I was sure that they would hound me non stop and it would be incredibly stressful.

What I was not expecting was that they didn’t do anything - this is what I found so shocking whilst also reaffirming to me that it is their way or the highway, the same way it’s always been.

Was it a big relief that they didn’t harass me like I had imagined they would - yes.

Was it also sad to me that my parents didn’t even try to or want to resolve the relationship - also yes.

The two feelings can co-exist.

Two things really. I haven't seen or spoken to my parents in a decade.

1. It will never not shock me that I have got married and had three babies in that time (that they know about) and not once have they ever reached out.

1. That my uncle, my mothers brother, who I was never ever especially close to, started writing to me when I went NC. Nothing dramatic or anything, just little cards and things, but it was such a clear sign that he was on my side. He died a couple of years ago now but I'll never forget his support. You do find it in the most unlikely places sometimes.

It's a journey and I suppose a third thing is that I'm really ok with it now, I don't really think about it at all.

It doesn't take much imagination to understand this!
My abusive alcoholic uncle has just died, and my mum whose brother he was is both sad and glad at his death.
How is it hard to appreciate that a person can want something deeply, something which to anyone with a healthy relationship would be shocking, and also wish you didn't have any cause to want such a harsh thing, so be sad about it, simultaneously.

I also went non contact, my parents are the opposite way round with my father being an enabler. My parents took me at my word and, other than cards at Xmas / bday haven't attempted any contact. I was amazed, it's now 2 years on (hope I've not just jinxed it).
What shocked me was finding out a few weeks ago that the mother has become -over the last year- good friends with the parents of some of my school friends. And is carrying on as though she is still in contact with me. It's a complete flying monkey scenario but thankfully my friends remember enough from our childhoods to see what the mother is up to.

I’m an atheist. But I think that the leap shifted a lot inside of me. I embraced the stoics’ version of God, as in God is everything in nature, because that doesn’t require the leap of faith I don’t appear to have the gene for. Then I updated it with Rob Delaney’s words regarding grieving his little boy. So now I believe God is stardust. Like us, like everything around us. Like everything in the universe. I can believe in atoms, molecules and compounds.

I basically reworked the version of God that I couldn’t believe in to one I could. I think humans probably have a genetic disposition to feel better when they have something to worship. Which is tough on those of us who feel the need, but can’t believe. It’s evolved to the point where I recite a prayer of gratitude twice a day, sunrise and sunset (or as close as I can get) to top and tail my day.

All of the above happened after the forgiveness arrived. It might be related, or it might just be a question of age and stage in life. I’m not sure.

The only clear(ish) way I can describe the moment the leap happened is that I was being tumbled around in a “washing machine” of emotions. So much swirling, direction change, waves, I wasn’t able to identify each emotion, I was just awash with this mixed Tsunami of them, and drowning in them. And it came. A clear, well defined feeling. I grabbed it like a life jacket because I really did feel like I was drowning, it was so hard to breathe. And I held on. Didn’t expect it to hang around after that particular spin cycle was over. But every time I got lost in the whirl of grief, it came back. And then sort of just stayed as a constant kind of peace in place of the decidedly “not peace” I’d had before.

It really could have been a biological self preservation mechanism set off by the intensity of all the things I was feeling. Or maybe because I was so out of my own control that any control I had over a habitual way of thinking was lost and my brain just thought what it wanted to think, despite me.

I’d like to understand it better, but I don’t really know where to look. Most things written about forgiveness are about the person working on it, being evolved and well balanced. I’m none of those things 😬 I’m a mess who works hard at being as functional as possible and trying to tidy up the insides of my head as much as I can while I still have enough time left. Cos I’m very behind schedule compared to your average human.

I'm NC with one parent (and have almost gone NC with another at a difficult time) - but the thing that shocked me about the parent I'm NC with is even after my other parent asked them to contact me, they didn't even bother to respond. And still to this day they haven't tried to contact me to ask about my children.

I went NC with my birth father almost exactly one year ago and my only regret is that I'd waited 50 years to do so. Should have walked away much sooner.

I didn't miss the abusive overnight texts, the expectation that I would fetch and carry for him, that I would provide personal care for my step-mother. That it would be OK to leave my young children and go to him and carry out his orders, ferrying him to and from hospital for his appointments.

This man was so univolved with my life and upbringing that the only reason he didn't sign me over for adoption by my step-father was that his mum told him not to. I wish he'd signed the forms. During my life I have tied myself in knots trying to please him and meet some idealised version of me that he had. It made me ill. I am still recovering. He had no interest in his grandchildren - once DD reached 13 or so (and became challenging in her views and opinions) he lost interest, and he was never really bothered about DS at all. This was all my fault as I apparently prevented him from having a good relationship with them.

He died in July this year. I was told not to attend his funeral - I was not welcome, and that these were his wishes. I don't know where he's buried and I don't know his cause of death. I am surprised they even bothered to contact me to tell me. I am the big evil and I dare say there have been many stories told about how uncaring/spiteful/nasty I have been.

He wrote me out of his will. He was worth a substantial amount of money and held this over me for years. On balance it was a fair price to pay for the freedom.

It's a long story but when I had my first child the only person I had contact with in my family was an aunt. When my baby got to about 18 months old I withdrew contact with her completely.

It was a similar situation to you OP. I think I was remembering the awful times I'd had as a child and teenager (I came close to being put in care and I had a suicide attempt at 17 because things had become so bad) and the fact she and the rest of my family chose to ignore what was going on. She'd also said some awful things to me over the years which I'd brushed over.

I look back now and I realise how, by withdrawing contact, I was subconsciously protecting my kid. I couldn't verbalise why I was doing what I was doing but my body was telling me to keep him well away.

A few years ago I read 'The Body Keeps The Score' and bloody hell, doesn't it just!

Im just going into zoom meeting, but will reply to this later. Xx

I was truly shocked at the lies told about me to explain why we no longer had a relationship. My mum's partner sexually abused one (possibly both?) of his daughters, was arrested, plead guilty, it's not a secret or anything he denies, she's always known as he told her when they first met (on their first date! can you imagine the sort of person who doesn't run a bloody mile in that situation?!). I knew from the start that he had no relationship with his children (and then eventually grandchildren, who he's never met), but the story that they told about why his daughters are NC with them is because they wanted more money from him after he and their mum divorced (instigated by the abuse, btw), and he wouldn't give them as much money as they demanded so they cut him off.

When I found out about his history of abuse, I also went NC with both of them, obviously. It's since come to light that my mum is going around telling everyone that dh and I stole a large amount of money (in the £100k's!) from them and then cut them off because they wouldn't let us take more. It's literally the same bloody story! I've had a friend of my mum's get in touch with me to tell me that I needed to apologise for what I've done with the money. And I was like, what have I done with what money?!? That's how it all came out. I have an email from my mum to this friend forwarded to me detailing exactly what I have supposed done and how that's why I cut off contact. I did tell the friend the truth, but sadly, I'm not sure she believes me, as oddly the truth is probably stranger than fiction. It's such an outlandish situation. I knew she'd stoop low, but I never thought it would go that low: knowing your husband is an actual convicted admitted child sexual abuser, but actively spreading lies to make people question the morals and integrity of your child instead? Bonkers.

@AlienatedChildGrown
Thankyou, for your description of how you arrived at forgiveness, you sound so level headed and appreciative of how and when it happened.
I am divorced, and remember being very tearful in the solicitor's office, and her saying that I need to separate my emotions from the process of divorce. It sounds like you are more easily able to handle life's knockbacks, after the maelstrom/whirlwind you describe. Your experience is a good advert for forgiveness !

I have bern NC with my mum for 6 month. She was making me so ill. Narcissistic, internalised misogynist, shes always the victim, negativity, scapegoating etc... never listened when i told her i had skin cancer, sister rung her and she said :well she didn't tell me!!!. She is toxic. If she dies i have made peace with that.
Straw that broke camels back, devaluing everything i do so i dont get too big for my boots, she doesnt want me to do well (or any better than she did), pitting sibling against sibling, i won't go into my childhood but she never protected me, i could not go to her when i was raped because she is of the mentality that its the womans fault... so many instances. I have to protect my grandkids from her, and myself.
Also she was pulling weak old lady act when i first went NC ... getting brother sister to force me to ring her (btw she used to ring..for 1 ring and put phone down to show others she had rung...all part of her game)..; they said she's forgetting things, think sges getting dementia give her a ring....i said no...cos if she had dementia she wouldnt remember that ive fallen out with her lol. I have cptsd from my childhood etc

I'm so sorry to read this 💐

What shocked me the most is that I did not care and my life has improved. In fact, a huge sense of relief. It has had no impact on me or my children, other than positive. My parents were quite frankly appalling. It came to a point when my children were very young , that they were being tainted , by stealth, by my parents arseholenness and general cuntiness towards me.

My children have thrived, we are all happy. Our lives have been better and we do not give a second thought . I realised I had no family decades ago. When my children were born and I saw how my family were continuing to carry on in this cycle of nastiness, I stopped it! I was in immediate damage limitation /time for them, to go mode. Never looked back.
I took the power away from them.

My now grown DC's and I are all good, we have had a brilliant 23 yrs. DC's happy, balanced and successful. We have thrived away from my family. We had Nan on the DC's Dad's side who was amazing , fun and vibrant and has given DC's memories forever.

Same thing happened to me Michiru. I've had to build my own family around me.

This is such a great subject op. It’s been so validating to read through everyone’s experiences.

I’m most surprised that it happened. Dad was always rage filled and emotionally manipulative. Wasn’t as bad when I was an adult and had moved out but there were still regular displays of a mix of no empathy and/or hatred for me.

He became unwell and because I was around a lot more as a carer he started ramping up the manipulation and verbal abuse. Although the worse thing was the bloody narrative he had of him being super dad.

The last time I saw him he lashed out because I had mentioned something he felt bad about. He ripped me apart emotionally, but he was so calm as he did it. Weirdly the hate without the rage really freaked me out. He was like some sort of psycho and for the first time in my life I saw it clearly. He was handling me like an object. Saying something nasty and examining my face for the much wanted pain. I smiled and told him to take care. Kissed him on the head and left knowing that was the last time I would see him.

I was pressured a lot from a family member to resume contact but it was obvious they just wanted it to LOOK like a family.

After that incident I knew that any communication with him was screaming into a void and I remained happily estranged until he died. My abiding thoughts are that I should have got away as soon as I could at 16.

I’ve lost a relative I love. They were the biggest enabler so I’m not surprised.

I cherish the new found access I have to my history. The rock bottom knowledge that there was something fundamentally wrong with him that no amount of enabling or tolerating could ever touch.

I feel much wholer and complete, more so than at any other time in my life.

As for the poster in disbelief that it’s possible to hold two diametrically opposed feelings. Having abusive parents is a whole ‘nother level of cognitive dissonance and life before and after estrangement is one of a psychological tightrope. The knack is to acknowledge this and make that paradox just another part of the whole picture.