My boyfriend cheated on me some time ago. We split up for a long time, during which he was pretty clearly extremely regretful. He worked his way back and I gave him another chance.
The relationship is good, he did everything I asked, I don't think he'd ever cheat again, the trust is rebuilt. If anything, he is a much better boyfriend than he was before.
The problem is that after three years, where we've read every book, talked heaps, supposedly learned and grown, I still don't think he gets it.
As in, I think he doesn't truly hold himself accountable.
We had a long and unrelated discussion a few days ago because he'd been reading up online after something I'd said and he thinks he has an "external locus of control". Meaning he has a complete blindness to believing he has power over his life.
This is evident in every aspect of his life. He thinks life just happens to you. He doesn't think you can control it by doing or not doing things.
As an example, he might get an illness and instead of being proactive about getting treatment, he will just sort of feel sorry for himself.
This is kind of fine generally, as we have complimentary skills so I encourage him to do things he needs to do and he helps me in other ways.
However! He genuinely believes his cheating was just a cosmic accident. That if his office had hired a male colleague instead of a female one, that he'd never have done what he did.
This makes me pretty raging.
There was a long series of decisions that led to him cheating. A very long and unpleasant set of really shit and wrong decisions that he made. And I feel like although he freely admits that, and wouldn't make the same choices now, he still ultimately believes it would never have happened if that particular person wasn't put in his path.
I feel like this is him not really getting 101 on cheating, because you need to understand its yourself that chose it.
Is it me?