Cleaning!

[Whatsgoingon12345]

DH works, and ,for reasons, I don’t at the moment. He has always been really messy
leaves pants in shower room and towel on floor.
in his loo, there is always used razor blades, empty mouthwash bottles etc. toothpaste all over sink and dirty loo.
in his bedroom there is dried up orange peel, clothes everywhere.
he says,‘well you’re messy too’ and,‘I’m too tired bringing the money in’
should I just clean it all or not? He does work very hard and is tired.

This is a very difficult one to be definitive about. If you're both a bit messy then it's not weird that if you're the one cleaning the bathroom, you just clean it and that includes his mess. But on the other hand, there's nothing more frustrating than feeling like someone just doesn't care and doesn't value your efforts and therefore is trashing the house because you, the skivvy, will sort it.

In my house, it's the difference between DH being a bit slack on empty toilet rolls (fine, because I can be a bit slack on other things) vs the trail of destruction that follows DS after he's used the shower and left clothes and towels all over the floor, in at least two rooms!

If he's too tired bringing the money in to clean, then I can only assume that you don't work now because you're too tired cleaning to bring any money in.

Have you pointed out to him that when he acts like a teenager and treats you like a washerwoman, it's deeply unsexy and makes you reconsider marrying him?

We are both messy. I really struggle with order, but I don’t leave orange peel in the bed!
guess I’ll just get on with it.

Cross posted 80s that’s exactly it.
I am soooo over cleaning. It seems when everything is in order is when he complains I’m not doing anything.
I rather thinks he likes having a maid. And yes, deeply unsexy. Hell suggest sex in a room where the sheets have come off and there are clothes all over the floor.

I’m assuming he’s paying for all bills etc whilst you’re not working? Or are you still contributing via savings?

Not that that really matters anyway- I’d say that as you’re not working the majority of housework should fall to you. But that doesn’t mean he should treat you as his slave maid and just leave everything lying around and be disgusting! Laundry, cooking, general cleaning etc for you. But he can still hang his towel up and throw his bloody orange peel away and likewise tasks! Absolutely DO NOT let that continue.

There is not a chance in hell I'd be picking up any of his shit or cleaning up after him. So bloody disrespectful, rude and lazy.

My DH would never in a million years expect me to do this shit as a SAHM and I taught my teens how to clean a loo a number of years ago and pick up their own clothes!! If they left a messy loo they also get short shrift and told to clean it!

His bedroom.. do you sleep in different bedrooms? If so, close the door and let crack on living like a pig!

How long would it realistically take once you give bath and bedroom a good deep clean, to pick up towels, clothes, rinse over sink and toilet, shake bed and remake and run around with a hoover. An hour a day, tops?

If you are not working it's totally fair you do the housework.

Yes he's a an absolute pig, whether you can continue living with that is a different question.

You could try, after a deep clean, to see if he would make an effort to not live in a pigsty.

Thanks all. I’ll just crack on. To be fair, I’m my own worst enemy. I HATEcleaning so I procrastinate so it drags on. I don’t contribute financially at the moment, a fact I’m very aware of. Especially as I had a job that he wanted me to quit as it was minimum wage.
im getting slower and more bored which isn’t good. And he’s saying,‘I earn all the money’ which isn’t doing my self esteem any favors.
im thinking there’s more to this somehow.

Absolutely this. If he has his own bedroom leave him to wallow in his own muck. Do not enter, do not clean.

A stay at home persons job is to run the house and yes clean it

It is not their job to pick up after another adult who is capable of using a laundry hamper and the bin.

Maybe it's time to get another job. It's maybe not doing you any good in yourself staying at home.

And yes, his bedroom, shut the door and ignore it. Let him wallow in his own filth

Even if you are both happy to live like slobs you should at least both pick up your own pants and put them in the washing basket.

im getting slower and more bored

Forgive me for being rude but are you currently unwell or disabled. I wondered about the getting slower?

I had a job that he wanted me to quit as it was minimum wage.
Did he make you give this job up?

Thanks for asking gnome no, I meant I’m just procrastinating more and stretching jobs out.
I have loads to do but can’t seem to start. I feel guilty if I do other than the house. There’s loads to do on the house too, which I’d like to get done, but somehow I imagine getting it wrong and it causes a row. I recently tidied up the shower with some spare paint and he was cross because he liked the original color which he’d chosen (he hadnt). I should have asked him. I get embarrassed because he can do this in front of the kids. I’m standing my ground more, but it’s exhausting.
80s yes. He was v pleased for me to get it, but somehow, full time was too much so I dropped to 31/2 days. I suspect he didn’t like shopping or whatever as he is so tired from pressured work.Then stuff happened in the family and he said I needed to give it up to deal with that.

@Whatsgoingon12345 he really doesn’t sound very nice. Sounds like he needs to go in the bin.

OP you can use housework to your own benefit.

You can work up a sweat going up and downstairs, stretch to hang out washing, do squats to pick stuff up

You can sweep and mop and sort of meditate at the same time.

You can listen to a podcast/radio/music whilst washing up or folding laundry.

Once the house is somewhat under control so say give yourself a month of a proper deep clean you can ease off or fill your time with other things otherwise you are going to stagnate.

I agree. He doesnt sound like a decent person. He made you give up your job and then lords it over you.

i wouldnt pick up anything if his. And go see the gp.

Or, instead of working a workout into cleaning when cleaning is already overwhelming the op, her sexist arse of a husband can put his own shit in the bin.

It's like in school they'd always say "the cleaning lady is here to clean, not to tidy up after you". Actual cleaning is fair enough for the non-working partner, but tidying up after a lazy spouse isn't.
So changing sheets or hoovering is fine, but picking orange peels off the bed or underwear off the floor? Yeah right!!!

Have you got kids at home or are they at school?

If you have separate bedrooms I wouldn’t get involved in sorting his. When he’s adequately bothered by the filth he’ll do it.

Unless you’re off ill, which you don’t say, I think the general day to day running of things is down to you. Or as much as possible around dependent children who are there during the day.

There is cleaning and cleaning. He sounds like a bit of a piss taker. I would use some of poor DH’s hard earned cash to hire a cleaner for his mess only.

I don't think it's his cleanliness that's the issue, he sounds like a bit of a dick and isn't helping you at all, mentally or physically.

But since you asked, it depends on your reasons for not working. My DP is a messy bugger and it pisses me off as I do all the cleaning at the minute too as he studies every night. Sometimes I get mad and tell him. Other times I remind myself that I'm not perfect either.

My reasons for not working? I'm not actually sure. For a long time he's said I have a degree so I should get a proper job. That I didn't was because I was nt trying/ it's easier to be at home.I had to really put my foot down to take my current part time job. I have had various job offers in the past, they weren't good enough, didn't pay enough. If I said it's better for my mental health if I work, he said, what about his mh? He has to work really hard.
Hmmm.