Cleaning!

[Whatsgoingon12345]

DH works, and ,for reasons, I don’t at the moment. He has always been really messy
leaves pants in shower room and towel on floor.
in his loo, there is always used razor blades, empty mouthwash bottles etc. toothpaste all over sink and dirty loo.
in his bedroom there is dried up orange peel, clothes everywhere.
he says,‘well you’re messy too’ and,‘I’m too tired bringing the money in’
should I just clean it all or not? He does work very hard and is tired.

He sounds like an arsehole. Chipping away at your confidence. Housework is fair enough, picking up his discarded underwear isn't

You don't sound ok. Focus on yourself. His mental health shouldn't flourish at the cost of yours. I think he's broken you a bit.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Also sounds like he’ll happy to warm himself at your embers. Very difficult to live your best life with someone who undermines you.
Do whatever you need to do to build up your confidence again, then get a job. Or some training that improves your prospects.
Your mother did not go through the effort of giving birth to you so you could go through life picking up someone else’s pants.

You sound in a bit of a rough place.
Cleaning, but most importantly, living in a clean and tidy space helps my mental health.
Shut the doors on his mess, but try and change your spaces, small baby steps.

Thank you all. It sounds silly, but I don’t know if I’m in a controlling relationship or not. I probably am, and just don’t have the balls to face it.

I’m getting sorted! Got hit with depression yesterday, but have been chucking stuff- all the mugs etc that I don’t like, are chipped, but ‘they’ll do’ yuk. Less to clean yay!
I also wondered why I’m living with broken blinds and stuff when I see you can get pretty good blinds/glasses etc. new for not much in the right shops.have also put a BIG laundry bag and bin in EVERY room.
thank you for the encouragement x

I think there’s two issues here, cleanliness and tidyness. It’s the basic tidyness he could improve on, ie, not leaving clothes on the floor etc.

It might be helpful to find some hobbies/interests so you’re not overwhelmed with the mundane side of things

Thanks. Agree re tidiness. He has SO MANY clothes. There is no room for them all even if he did pick them up.

Yes, and a hobby sounds good subflower
just realised I..see the whole mess. Then Procrastinate. Then Do a bit.then Get depressed. And then spend day Whiffleing about and not achieveing - I don’t tidy because it’s soooo boring, but then I don’t do a hobby because I feel guilty. Obviously I need to Get Tidying Done then hobby as a reward.
gah!

Listen to audiobooks or podcasts while you clean; it helps alleviate the boredom.

It's disrespectful to dump your clothes & rubbish everywhere knowing full well you aren't going to be the person to clean it up, it's not just being messy it's flexing his power. I'm not surprised you you don't feel motivated to clean because you know its not going to just be a big cleaning blitz and then maintenance routine as he will be still be leaving his shit everywhere.

He is controlling & is damaging your confidence/self esteem on purpose by putting you off jobs or nagging you to quit as low paid ( if not that be other reason) then he can pull the big man act of 'i pay all the bills' so can dictate everything and 'i'm too tired from working' to clean (or look after kids) thats your job.

Presumably now you also don't have your own income you have less choice and may feel need to get his permission for things you'd have just bought before with own money. It would also help isolate you as you can't afford to do as much socially even if that's just playdates with mum friends. Feeling guilty about you contribution as no income, will keep you more compliant & accepting of his shit.

Honestly leave his room to be a cess pit, get another job whatever you like just so you have some £ and can grow confidence, he will likely try to sabotage it again but hopefully you are starting to realise that he's an arsehole and thinking about how your life could be without him.

Thank you. Lots to digest. Struggling a bit .
actually a lot.

Do you want to talk about it?

Hi, thanks for the reply’s.
sorrnot to reply sooner, have been a bit down. Realizing our relationship just seems hard work.

I wonder if your brain is yearning for something more interesting than tidying and cleaning, which is why you can't get it done. It would make me very depressed if my days were mostly filled with boring housework and cleaning up my husband's mess. Could you go back to work and pay a cleaner? Tell your husband that the cleaner won't tidy so if he leaves a mess, his bathroom won't get cleaned. Knowing you have a cleaner coming might cure your own messiness as you'll have to tidy up first. Maybe you just need to be more assertive with your DH.

Thanks lavenderosa
it is very very boring and sole destroying that’s for sure.
I’ve upped my very part time job and am looking for more. So yes, hopefully a cleaner when I earn a bit more. I’m just not a natural housewife type.
managed to get on a course, yay! It’s remote but oh the joy of hearing new ideas 😁

Why wait for a cleaner when you're earning more? I'd get one now as the lack of one is making you miserable. Would your husband's income cover the cost? I loathe housework so I don't do it. I pay someone else and cut back on other things eg I rarely eat out or go to the cinema.

Thanks I’m beginning to climb out of the funk. I’ve upped my hours, at work, so feeling more useful.
im chucking loads of stuff amazing what I hang in to in case.
I’m looking at the house as if I live here. DH can be a bit dictatorial- he knows what he likes. Or rather he says,’ you decide’ then he’ll say,’no I don’t want curtains I want blinds’
I’m getting stronger and will be reading the riot act. Ditto re his loo. Eww. No way am I cleaning that.