Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband text another woman do I leave

38 replies

Cazxmxp13 · 12/09/2023 08:48

Well this has been a year from hell
it started fine with 10th anniversary trip away then a couple month later my mother in law suddenly can’t stand up bad leg maybe? No tumour and she died five weeks from her first fall.
my father in law has Alzheimer’s and stoma poor health needs us while she’s in hospital and mentions week three a side pain. I spend every day with husband and he taking care of him so during a hospital visit he’s a bit breathless and we get him checked. Stage 4 lung cancer.
we move in with him and he does die six weeks later.when both died I arrange everything funerals life insurance etc. whilst caring for our three kids and dealing with everyone as husband is obviously grief stricken.
our relationship had ups and downs over the years he text others I messed up money but for the past 2/3years nothing almost perfect and during this time we worked as a team and we were good. I booked a last minute trip to Spain to help our sadness as funerals delayed whilsy there I took pictures by the pool on hubs phone my kid smashed mine on a ride day before no biggy (Snapchat went years ago for bad reasons) and a Snapchat notification
I then get the feeling, and check his phone
videos from a close close friend during this time
i flip then find out he bought her a vibrator and then got me the same one wtf.
they both cry apologise beg etc. if her husband finds out he will literally go back to his country. Our kids go the same school and are besties. I’m heartbroken literally in agony. If I stay I’m a mug of I leave I take something else from my kids who have been through enough. I get he is a mess losing his parents but I did nothing wrong I don’t deserve this.
I don’t know how to act or what to do I’m just sort of detached really then kids go to bed I sleep maybe a couple of hours next to him then I’m up. Even went on 3am drive because I’m just lost.

OP posts:
Phleghm · 12/09/2023 08:53

God you poor thing.
They've done another cruel thing by putting the responsibility on you to keep shtum about it. It's THEM who have done this, and it's THEIR fault that the kids will be gutted, her husband will leave etc. How dare they betray you and then guilt trip you in this way?

Get away from that man. Grief doesn't make you buy a vibrator for another woman. Making that excuse is so disrespectful.

Original poster
Cazxmxp13 · 12/09/2023 09:30

I know I just can’t believe it
i did everything to support plan arrange for deaths. Uprooted our whole family provided 247 care for his dad who ended up walking round naked and ripping off stoma’s etc and yet he found the time to do this.
her husband is lovely we’re all friends he even went out with my husband for couple beers after this because he was down.
use us as a shoulder and support but you cheating. And I can’t hear nothing physical happened again.
why have the standards of cheating changed?
I will have to see this woman six days a week till our youngest is 12 and goes to high school that’s 11years. (We also go to same church hence 6)
im just spiralling I know but it’s just insane this is even happening.
thank you so much for the comment I don’t want to talk to my friends about I’m embarrassed enough. Plus they might actually knock him out lol.

OP posts:
Louise303 · 12/09/2023 09:45

Is he having an affair with her? did he deliver the vibrator in person cannot imagine him sending it to her home address. I would not let this go you should tell her husband she is snake just like your husband. Why should she get off lightly and if it does ruin her marriage she only has her self to blame. As for your husband only you can say if you can forgive him in future.

Original poster
Cazxmxp13 · 12/09/2023 09:47

He got it delivered to a local Amazon locker then hand delivered it
he then three weeks later bought me the same one and got that delivered to our home
like there’s anything more insulting

OP posts:
Original poster
Cazxmxp13 · 12/09/2023 09:55

They both claim it was over one week a joke got to flirting got to this and she stopped it The day after the vibrator and videos
that much they can agree on
they both say they haven’t touched kissed or had sex
but I still can’t get my head around it
like just why and how did they think they would get away with it

OP posts:
Louise303 · 12/09/2023 09:57

That is vile its harder when it is someone you know especially if you have to see her daily.

Zenana · 12/09/2023 10:01

I can't believe there are so many wankers around. And Mumsnet is only a microcosm. There's a whole load more around. Frightening. This is awful OP. He's a louse.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 12/09/2023 10:07

Imo you expect to participate when buying your dp a vibrator....
Her dh needs to know..
Then you hold your head up high. Encourage dc to make new friends.. And you can too. She isn't a friend. She isn't worthy of your time. Obviously neither is he..

Opentooffers · 12/09/2023 10:58

It's not looking like this one wasn't physical tbh. I've only ever been bought or bought toys to use together in person.
Better not do so much for him in future, because the more down time he has, the more he gets up to. Did you always know his whereabouts while you were busy sorting his parent's affairs? If he went missing from time to time, smell a rat.

I think as a first step I'd be tempted to make them sweat and arrange a meet with her husband ( and decide in the moment whether to spill what you know). At the very least, they deserve to have the wind put up them.
Better to have some IRL support, so it's a good idea to lean on them - and if they want to knock him out, then good. You shouldn't have to keep their dirty little secret from everyone even if you do stick around, make them squirm.

pikkumyy77 · 12/09/2023 11:03

As a first step visit a lawyer and get a therapist. Tell dh he pays for both. Then google “chump lady” and read up on cheaters and find your tribe. Why should you bear this alone? You should not! You need support.

MathsIsFab · 12/09/2023 11:06

Oh the bastard!

at a minimum I would stop all contact , don’t really care about churches or kids being together etc

this is your life and you don’t deserve to have constant reminders of her in your life

you are a very strong woman, I’d go mental!

caringcarer · 12/09/2023 11:40

So while you uprooted your whole family to care for his Dad through very unpleasant illness his thoughts were on his friend's wife vagina. I'd tell her DH and he can make up his own mind what he wants to do. None of this is on you. It is your husband and friend who crossed a line. I'd ask him to leave. You won't ever be able to trust him anymore. He probably put that vibrator inside your friend after getting her excited and wet. The cheek to get you the same one. I'd never be able to have sex with him again. Do you really love him now he has betrayed you and at a time you were 100 percent there for him? I'd not care about kids playing together or not. The kids have done nothing wrong.

ReadRum · 12/09/2023 11:43

In your position I would consider counselling to see if the relationship was salvageable. Separately I would consider that her husband had a right to know

Lampzade · 12/09/2023 11:57

All the energy and time you were putting into looking after his father and trying to maintain some semblance of normality and your ‘d’h was out there buying vibrators for someone you know. Both of them are pond life.
Op, I don’t know how you are going to navigate this messy situation. Don’t believe anything they say.
You have to decide if this marriage is worth fighting for and seeking counselling/ therapy.
I think the situation is made worse by the fact that you have to see this woman regularly. I don’t know how they expect you to keep this information to yourself

Morewineplease10 · 12/09/2023 20:31

How awful op. I'm so sorry.

I really really would kick him out, you'll come to realise in time that you're better off without him.

I've been there.

Tell the 'friend's' husband. Tell people who will support you.

He has done this not you. I get you want to keep it quiet, I did too, but I really regret that now as he span his bullshit narrative to anyone and everyone and mentioned not one word (funnily enough!) about his mistress of god knows how many years!

Take care. Let people support and comfort you if you trust them. X

1FootInTheRave · 12/09/2023 20:41

I would tell EVERYONE that knows the pair of them.

The absolute bastards.

I couldn't get past this at all.

Smooshface · 12/09/2023 20:53

Grief makes people do mad things. That said, what is the other woman's excuse? She wasn't grieving?

Only you know if you can bear this for the rest of your life. I tried reconciliation with a man who was still one foot out the door, it was agony and i finally had to kick him out. I'm still pissed off at him for ruining our family but I'm 100% glad i don't have to try and make things work with him any more,. It was never going to work while he was not in that headspace, and he could easily have told the AP to get lost forever as they aren't intertwined in our daily lives.

I think i would go into counselling if there was a chance of saving. If not, I would tell the husband as that is only fair, and i would tell anyone close what happened and get support.

Restinggoddess · 12/09/2023 20:54

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this

So he bought her a vibratory and she sent him a video???
WTAF
I would tell the husband - life is too short for this level of crap

NKD · 12/09/2023 20:55

The absolute a.u.d.a.c.i.t.y of the man to hand deliver it to her! and you’re supposed to believe it wasn’t tested out whilst he was there?

Bullshit.

At the end of the day the desire and thought was there - this was premeditated and planned between them.

oioicheeky · 12/09/2023 21:08

What were the videos of?

If the videos were of her using the vibrator, that's 100% cheating and for me, would be absolutely game over.

I'm so sorry xx

LifeInTheUK · 12/09/2023 21:08

Grief can make people do crazy things.
The vibrator might be a bit far tbh but his attitude NOW and him expecting the OP to shut up, using guilt tripping etc…. That’s not grief talking. That’s showing who you are.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 12/09/2023 21:13

Not a cat in hell's chance this wasn't physical. Sorry OP but they're still lying to you.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 12/09/2023 21:40

I have heard grief can affect your sex life but in quite the opposite way to shagging your dw's mate..

toomanyleggings · 12/09/2023 21:49

Fuck just to say my dh has recently lost both his parents very close together ( also lung cancer which is a vile way to go) and has managed not to buy someone a bloody vibrator, wtf. There are no excuses for this absolute gobshite behaviour. He should be realising the value of his family and taking the utmost care of them not shitting on them from a great height wtf

SnackQueen · 12/09/2023 22:05

How fucking dare they.

Tell the husband. They're both scared of his response far more than they are of you. Selfish cvnts. Why should you have to be weighed down with this knowledge alone?

Grief is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for such disgraceful behaviour.