I've decided to leave

[carrotcakebae]

I live with the father of my kids . He is tends to be emotionally and verbally abusive and honestly I do retaliate out of anger. We have a toddler (3yrs) and baby 9 months old . He might do the odd cleaning or cooking every now and then but he will complain about it . He never helps with the kids . The most he does is take my son to the park at times and might play with the kids for 5 minutes .But he isn't involved in no aspect of their lives . Last week I had a GP appointment for myself . I asked if he could stay with our toddler at home just for my appointment and I'll go with baby as she will just sit in the buggy . He refused . He lied that he was going out to his mum's house so I questioned why he couldn't take him to his mum and he said I didn't tell him in advance beforehand . Firstly I wasn't aware of his plans and secondly there as nothing stopping jim from going with our toddler , he's not a baby there's nothing to prep except little snacks in his bag. Anyways He didn't go to his mum's . It was a lie . But today I feel is the last straw . After the kids baths I ask him to hold baby so I can throw there nappies in the outside bin. Only would take me a few seconds I only asked because I didn't want her to come out with no clothing on and it was slightly cold. The held her then after that I said I need to wash her bottle quickly and make her a bottle then I'll take her and he got angry. Told me to come and take her now . Kept repeating it over and over even though I said I'm making a bottle . I wasn't taking long. I already had warm water in a flask so after I washed it I was just adding in the formula scoops but it was hard to concentrate with him shouting in the background. Anwyays he says he needs to go bathroom I should come and take her I tell him to come and leave her in the kitchen on his way to the bathroom . He comes into the kitchen holding her saying Fucking take her now or else I will throw the bottle in the bin. I continued making the bottle not responding ( I didn't want to loose tracks of how many scoops I had added in ) so then he kept repeating for me to take her swearing so after I added the scoops I said just put her on the floor for now . And he did so but was shouting angry . He didn't even go bathroom .so that was a lie. But anwyays I took my kids to bed now as I write this post. Just feeling like this is my last straw. He continued to shout saying if I keep disrespecting him I'm going to get the fuck out of his house . Anwyays I'm usually one to respond but I didn't .I didn't because Im done . I'll going to leave . I have a property but have a few issues with it at the moment so won't be able to stay there immediately . I'm waiting for my son to fall asleep then I'll pack my hand luggage.
I guess I am writing this so that when the time comes for me to leave I don't change my mind when I read the comments on here . I just need support . I have left twice before but happen to come back but I'm realising everytime I come back the abuse here worst.
Last time I left I had just given birth 4 days prior and he kept calling me slurs saying I'm a lazy pig and cursing at me all because I was taking a nap whilst baby was asleep during the day so refused to help him to unpack shopping bags when he woke me because I was napping and very tired.
Anwyays I don't know what advice I'm looking for but something that can motivate me to take the first step I need to ..
I've also just started an online course and really don't want so much stress getting in the way as I want to hopefully get a decent job next year but I won't be able to handle such stress

Please move away from this selfish abusive person.

@Bogeyes I don't understand it because he isn't always like this . He goes from being extremely angry and explosive and extremely love bombing the next but now I don't even buy into that nonsense anymore

Here's a big virtual hug 🤗

Mamma you're doing an amazing job!

What an self centred pr**k! You are 1 million percent doing the right thing in leaving.

Imagine this was you're daughter going through this with a man. If you stay you're daughter will think it's ok to allow herself to be treated like this and you're sons will grow up to have zero respect for women.

I think now you know it's time. Don't double back just keep moving forward.

Men like this never change.

@ariel27 thank you ❤️ I'm starting to accept he won't change either . I've been dealing with this for almost 4 years . I don't want my kids to think this is normal. I didn't want to raise them as a single mother either but that is starting to look like a better option right now

He called you a lazy pig 4 days after giving birth to his child OP.
Read this out to yourself if you start to doubt your decision.
Good luck. You’ll have a much happier life away from this twat.
x

Being a single dm is so stress free compared to living with an abusive twat.. I left and took 4 under 10 with me. Ime take what you need. Do not assume you will get chance to claim anything else..

@carrotcakebae there's absolutely no shame in raising you're babies as a single mother.

In this situation and in many others you're doing the best for they babs.

You're babies will grow up in a healthy happy home with a mammy who is happy and secure in herself.

That's what matters. Stop doubting yourself

Just to help you stick to your decision… you are utterly right to go. He sounds abusive and nasty. Keep a record of all the abusive things he has done. Do things by the book as well with regards to him seeing the kids as you don’t want to end up in a situation where he can claim you’re in the wrong. I don’t know enough about this but I’m sure someone else can give specific advice on this. Keep yourself safe too. Don’t let him love bomb you again and make promises that you know he will not keep. He will
not change. Your kids deserve a happy
mother who isn’t being verbally abused, and given no support from their dad. You’ve got this.

@Catoo yes he did. It was horrible experience . Alot more to it but I've found it very hard to move on from that compared to other situations

He’s horrible, not able to even hold his own beautiful baby for two minutes without turning into an abusive arsehole. A dad should be longing to cuddle his baby at the end of the day. Your baby girl doesn’t deserve to be treated like that, and nor do you.

You will be much better without him.

@Twoboys2023 thank you
I think writing it down such as in this post can help me when I re read over this again

I’m so sorry OP.
That for me would be enough to LTB.
xx

I can totally relate as I had this situation with my exP. I could write a book on what he did during pregnancy and after. But I found your post hard to read as I could relate so well.
Plus I was constantly on edge because one time he would be ok and keep the baby/toddler and not turn nasty or funny, another time he would be ok but quickly turn.
You need to get away and do not return again, it doesn't matter about any nice bits they are irrelevant when you are faced with what you get the rest of the time.
It wouldn't matter to me whether the person could 'change' or not, I couldn't forget what they did, and would always be on edge with the unknown that could happen.

Do you know I have watched other couples and expected the father of the child to come flying out to get the mother to see to the baby/child or say or do certain things, I have been around one couple with their baby and the baby was crying and I actually flinched because I was expecting the guy to come out to get the mother because the baby was crying, but the father just got on with it, and this I found very hard to get my head around and it reminded me how bad my situation had been.

Even after you get away it doesn't usually all melt away I can vouch for that, but it's a lot different to living with it!
I still have a long way to go and now unfortunately hit a brick wall where ex has got out of hand as time has gone on and I realise that boundaries have not been set or kept to. And now got some issues to deal with.

Thank you so much.

This is exactly how I feel walking on egg shells . I also feel weird seeing other dad's be so involve . I have no had situations where my son who is currently non verbal attempt to open the fridge to get a drink and instead of him pouring him a drink he will call me from the other room to Do it and if I ask him why he can't be will either come up with many excuses or curse me

100% leave don't let him talk you around, you and your kids deserve better than this , do it for them, all that shouting is no good for them. X

As another poster said: do you want your daughter to end up in a relationship like this, or your son to be an abuser in a relationship?

My DM stayed in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship, believing she was doing the best in keeping the family together. It meant I had extremely low standards when I was looking for a partner and put up with a different form of abuse because I believed (and was also told by DM) that he’s a nice guy because he eventually said sorry (after verbally abusing me, throwing things across the room, shoving the door into me repeatedly…so much more). I had no clue what a decent man behaves like. I had no idea that I was allowed to say no. I didn’t realise that partners make time for their wife, or speak to them with kindness and love and take an interest in their lives.

I have so many regrets and so much sadness about that time in my life and I so so wish I had known to expect better, and if it’s not good enough then it’s ok to leave.

I wish you all the luck in the world, think of your babies when you waver, and please remember the above if you ever feel you’re better off staying.

It's what they all do that's what hooks you in. It's like gamblers keep gambling as they hope next time they'll win and sometimes they do but usually they just lose money.

He's a vile pig. You'll be better off without him so will the children. 'I'll throw her bottle in the bin' and calling you lazy for napping after having a baby are just atrocious. My ex left me when I was 8m pregnant, storming out mid argument, and when I read posts like yours it's like a glimpse into what life would be like if he had stayed and I'm grateful he's gone and saved me the stress of having to be brave and end things. But you are very brave and you know what to do. Tell a friend or family member that you trust EVERY thing that's happened please

It really is the better option. He clearly doenst help but he just shouts at you. It will be the same but with peace and calm

Screaming at you and holding the baby is highly abusive of you and the baby.

This is terrible domestic abuse.

Do not hesitate to call the police on him.

Also when you leave you should report him to the police that you had to flee for your safety and the childrens safety.

He is utter scum.

You and your children deserve better.

I’m sorry you went through this.

I can relate in a different way - from the child’s perspective:

I remember when my dd was a toddler and she wanted to fix a toy and she headed straight to her dad who was working in the home office.

I remember being so scared at how angry i expected he would be, I didn’t even realise I had stopped breathing; I couldn’t say a word and I was paralysed with fear. I simply could not believe my eyes and ears when DH very calmly stopped and listened to her and sorted her toy then carried on working.

It just astounded me that a father could actually stop and treat his little daughter with such love and respect. It is such a strong memory because I had never seen anything like this or experienced it. My 2 year old taught me something that day, she had total belief in her dad’s love and attention at all times, and they both taught me that that is exactly how it should be.

It hit me hard realising just how far from normal my own experience with my DF had been. I wouldn’t have gone near him if he was working, the anger and aggression and absolute total lack of interest, empathy, parenting…I knew this from even before I could speak. He would have shouted at my mum, slammed doors, thrown things then given her the silent treatment if I had disturbed him.

Your relationship teaches your children things even when you think you are hiding it from them. To this day my DM thinks she protected us from DF and we should all be unaffected. The reality is we all suffer from anxiety, depression, low self esteem and it is at times crippling though you’d never know it if you saw us.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength.

This was me 10 years ago, although my ex was an alcoholic with issues, we every waking day was like this and I did the whole forwards backwards thing.

Call Women's Aid see if you can get into some temporary accommodation away from him and get some support until you can be back on your own two feet in your property.

You will not regret it!

You've got this!! Xx

I find it incredibly hard to even visualise a father putting his own baby on the floor instead of holding her for a few more minutes. There's something very wrong with him.
Well done for planning your escape @carrotcakebae . Without him, life will be so much better for you and your children.

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow as you was writing this post I could relate to your feelings as well. This is exactly how I feel whenever my son goes into his room whilst he's busy doing something . He is hot and cold . Sometimes I will engage with him and other times he will start shouting telling him to get out he needs to rest or he's busy playing video games etc and I need to come get him . Alot of the times I would avoid my son going in there to avoid drama . It's even worst if my son has a piece of food.

@FictionalCharacter I found that disturbing myself . Its like he couldn't hold her any longer . Sometimes I would make little digs/ joke that he must be allergic to his kids .