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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've decided to leave

36 replies

carrotcakebae · 11/09/2023 21:02

I live with the father of my kids . He is tends to be emotionally and verbally abusive and honestly I do retaliate out of anger. We have a toddler (3yrs) and baby 9 months old . He might do the odd cleaning or cooking every now and then but he will complain about it . He never helps with the kids . The most he does is take my son to the park at times and might play with the kids for 5 minutes .But he isn't involved in no aspect of their lives . Last week I had a GP appointment for myself . I asked if he could stay with our toddler at home just for my appointment and I'll go with baby as she will just sit in the buggy . He refused . He lied that he was going out to his mum's house so I questioned why he couldn't take him to his mum and he said I didn't tell him in advance beforehand . Firstly I wasn't aware of his plans and secondly there as nothing stopping jim from going with our toddler , he's not a baby there's nothing to prep except little snacks in his bag. Anyways He didn't go to his mum's . It was a lie . But today I feel is the last straw . After the kids baths I ask him to hold baby so I can throw there nappies in the outside bin. Only would take me a few seconds I only asked because I didn't want her to come out with no clothing on and it was slightly cold. The held her then after that I said I need to wash her bottle quickly and make her a bottle then I'll take her and he got angry. Told me to come and take her now . Kept repeating it over and over even though I said I'm making a bottle . I wasn't taking long. I already had warm water in a flask so after I washed it I was just adding in the formula scoops but it was hard to concentrate with him shouting in the background. Anwyays he says he needs to go bathroom I should come and take her I tell him to come and leave her in the kitchen on his way to the bathroom . He comes into the kitchen holding her saying Fucking take her now or else I will throw the bottle in the bin. I continued making the bottle not responding ( I didn't want to loose tracks of how many scoops I had added in ) so then he kept repeating for me to take her swearing so after I added the scoops I said just put her on the floor for now . And he did so but was shouting angry . He didn't even go bathroom .so that was a lie. But anwyays I took my kids to bed now as I write this post. Just feeling like this is my last straw. He continued to shout saying if I keep disrespecting him I'm going to get the fuck out of his house . Anwyays I'm usually one to respond but I didn't .I didn't because Im done . I'll going to leave . I have a property but have a few issues with it at the moment so won't be able to stay there immediately . I'm waiting for my son to fall asleep then I'll pack my hand luggage.
I guess I am writing this so that when the time comes for me to leave I don't change my mind when I read the comments on here . I just need support . I have left twice before but happen to come back but I'm realising everytime I come back the abuse here worst.
Last time I left I had just given birth 4 days prior and he kept calling me slurs saying I'm a lazy pig and cursing at me all because I was taking a nap whilst baby was asleep during the day so refused to help him to unpack shopping bags when he woke me because I was napping and very tired.
Anwyays I don't know what advice I'm looking for but something that can motivate me to take the first step I need to ..
I've also just started an online course and really don't want so much stress getting in the way as I want to hopefully get a decent job next year but I won't be able to handle such stress

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 12/09/2023 06:56

I was also thinking this morning, he may have bipolar or something with the way he's extremely nice or extremely horrible and he can't show your child affection. X

AdviceNeededForMe · 12/09/2023 07:00

Leave and never go back. You and the kids deserve more x

ToughTimesDon'tLastToughPeopleDo · 12/09/2023 07:32

This sounds like an awful situation. I'm so glad to hear you are leaving him, you and your children deserve so much better than him and his vile behaviour. It may seem hard now but try and look forward to your new life with your wonderful child without having to walk on eggshells constantly. Good luck with everything Flowers

carrotcakebae · 12/09/2023 11:22

@Copperoliverbear possibly . I am not sure but I have been telling him to get some therapy . He doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour and always blames it on me and says he wouldn't have reacted a certain way if I hadn't done etc...

OP posts:
carrotcakebae · 12/09/2023 11:24

Thank you for your messages it's really helping me get through my day. Today I'm going over to my property to sort out a few things and make sure it's safe for my young one and Buy any extra bits I need whilst my son is at nursery today .

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 12/09/2023 12:01

@carrotcakebae definitely some sort of personality disorder.

JudyGemstone · 12/09/2023 15:04

Yeah that’s not bipolar, nothing like it. Bipolar involves months of deep depression, periods of being well, and episodes of mania/psychosis.

what this is is more emotional dysregulation.

either way he won’t change unless he works hard, ideally in an accredited perpetrator programme. Which he likely won’t attempt to access anyway.

firstmummy2019 · 12/09/2023 15:57

I'm proud of you for putting your children and yourself first. This man is nothing but a hindrance to all of you. You deserve peace in your life. I wish you all the best xx

Jonstantlycuggling · 26/12/2023 23:01

@carrotcakebae just wondering how you got on and hope you have had a peaceful Christmas with your babies 🎄

ChristmasFairyGodmother · 26/12/2023 23:17

Please don't waste any more energy on this awful person.

Focus on getting out and away, and you will be amazed by how much nicer life is when he's out of your world.

You'll still get tired from round the clock childcare but you're dealing with that already. The difference will be that your energy is spent productively, and the anxiety will lift for all of you. No undercurrent of fear or discomfort.

Everything will be calmer, and you'll be able to concentrate on your course, as well as actually enjoy your children for the precious little souls that they are.

You've got this. Please don't give him another thought, he is excess baggage and you'll all live so much more lightly without him.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 26/12/2023 23:23

Jonstantlycuggling · 26/12/2023 23:01

@carrotcakebae just wondering how you got on and hope you have had a peaceful Christmas with your babies 🎄

Yes hopefully you and your children are happier and away from this abusive bully

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