He’s messaging other women again

[OfCourseHesDoneItAgain]

I’ll try and keep it short (tend to waffle). About 18 months ago, not long after moving in together, I found that DP was messaging other women. This was completely by accident and by chance, he had left his Facebook messages open on the iPad, I’d never used the iPad before and asked for the passcode while he was out one day. Messages weren’t massively inappropriate, but he was telling various women he was single and lonely etc. And exchanging photos (face, nothing dodgy). He had clearly never had the chance to meet any of these women (they were all abroad, quite obviously fake profiles mostly, so just “troll” type accounts and messages). I confronted him, very upset. He knows I was repeatedly cheated on, lied to and gaslit by my ex and how much this affected me and my mental health. At first he maintained he had done nothing wrong, I was overreacting etc. Eventually he was able to see my point of view, said he understood, apologised and said it would never happen again. He was, at the time, also using another chat app (as well as the ones I saw on Facebook), which I never saw the messages on but most of these FB messages asked the girls to move to this other app. He agreed to delete it and it wouldn’t happen again. He had an explanation for it all and it sort of made sense. We got over it, I’ve weirdly not found I’ve had any trust issues since and we’ve been okay.

Well, I don’t use the iPad often but did notice afterwards he had logged out of all Facebook, messages type apps at the time. Today, I get a message request from a female name I don’t know, saying “ask your bf who he is chatting to”. I wasn’t sure what to think, opened the iPad and they are all back, and logged in. I know I shouldn’t have looked but suddenly all these apps were back (presumably after an update or something, or he grew comfortable again as I haven’t used the iPad much in months). This chat app he was using previously was there too (I had no idea he used this app, until I saw him inviting those girls to chat there), but was the only one not logged in. Well, I snooped (I know, I feel awful and I know it’s terrible of me), and it’s happening again. Same stuff, loads of girls, all young and pretty, messaging them asking to move to this other app or WhatsApp to chat. Saying he’s single and lonely, etc.

Do I tell him I’ve snooped? Ask to look at this app? If he says no- well then I know. What if he lets me and it’s innocent? We are over then anyway. He’s not meeting women, it’s probably not even classed as an emotional affair as it’s dozens of chats with women (if the same as last time). I don’t know what it is. I know the excuses he’ll make, but he promised me never again.

I’m struggling at the moment anyway after a family bereavement, and the funeral is this week. What do I do?

You gave him a chance and he's doing it again, what does that tell you?

He will never stop and it's only a matter of time before these chats end in a meet because he will tell you he is "curious "

Leave and find someone who respects you. This man doesn't . He's playing you for a right mug

Bin him

Why did you forgive him the first time??? He was abusive in how he treated you. And he is still being abusive.

you need therapy OP to find out why you are putting up with this.

Oh op - the excuses re. scammers are laughable. He is getting off on flirting with people and hopes they are real women c'mon now don't listen to his bullshit

Did you grow up with low self confidence? Did your parents have an unhappy relationship?

There will be deep rooted reasons why you are still with this man - because it isn't down to his lovely and caring personality.

You can do this op - you don't need advice, you know you just need to leave him.

So I'm going to preface this with, I'm sorry if I come across to be making assumptions or I say anything that may be deemed as disrespectful. That is not my intention I'm just pulling on a few of my own personal experiences to try and attempt to put myself in your shoes.

You mention a few times that snooping makes you a bad person, you're very self aware and very self deprecating (which is NOT me judging or criticising) the reason I mention this is because this is a common response to past trauma. A person who's gone through trauma can begin to display negative qualities towards themself (e.g, putting yourself down, feeling like you're the one in the wrong, allowing others to step over your boundaries and accepting it). You are a good person. You are a kind person. I can see that from your post. The way you hold yourself responsible for what (in your boundaries) is considered 'snooping' 'disrespectful'. He hasn't had the same awareness. He's clearly overstepping and treating you with disrespect. This is not acceptable or 'normal' behaviour and there is NO excuse. Regardless if he can't meet these women or regardless of whether photos are inappropriate or not. He is crossing a line. A line that shouldn't be crossed in any relationship and one that I know you OP wouldn't cross yourself. You deserve to be with someone who follows the same boundaries as you. You deserve to be with someone who treats you the way you treat them.

I know you most likely love him. I know by a few phrases you've used that he's gaslit you after his previous attempts at chatting to strangers (which doesn't make you weak, it means you're a good person who wants to see the best in people) he isn't a good person. Once, okay in extreme circumstances there could be an explanation and in those situations it's up to the two people in the relationship to move forward to or cut ties but twice, that's unfair, unkind and selfish. You do not deserve that.

If you do decide to bring this up with him. Personally, I'd write it down and leave, let it sink in, see how you both feel with a bit of space, however from my past, I've learnt, they don't change. Yes people make mistakes but twice, twice is when you know that no growth is happening within that person. He isn't the one for you.

Sending all my love! You can get out and find someone who's better for you I promise. This man isn't it.

@OfCourseHesDoneItAgain very bizarre behaviour of your partner, but not behaviour I would bother sticking around trying to understand. You already have him a 2nd chance, don’t be foolish enough to give him a 3rd. Whatever validation or kicks he needs is more important than his relationship with you, and I would imagine they extend to the real world too. If someone approached him on a night out, flattered him, etc there’s no way he would say no. Get yourself tested and leave him to his fucked up ego.

*gave him

Just leave him or you’re signing up for more of the same until he leaves you.

Woman up and bin him 🚮

He sounds like a massive loser. Dump.

I am dealing with the same sort of behavior here. Other posters are correct, he is a wanker of the highest order and is dishing out the disrespect regardless of your feelings. While none of us want to believe what is in front of our eyes, the sad truth is, they just don't care

This with bells on! He has a poor sense of self and needs constant validation from new and different women. He will never change.