How do you cope with someone who is crushingly negative/pessimistic?

[bohemianbint]

Sorry, I need to let off steam, I've just had to come up here for a time out before I blow a fuse. DS has been driving me mental all day which hasn't helped, but I've also just bought a camper van which is already being a pain in the arse, but the main thing that's really dragging me down at the moment is that:

DP is such a pessimist or just plain miserable about things that should be really exciting and I feel like he drains the life out of me sometimes.

For example, this weekend over the whole camper van thing. He's shown pretty much no interest the whole time I've been looking for one, when I finally won it he was really underwhelmed and negative. He stayed this way when we picked it up and the fact that there's a couple of teething problems have made things worse. The idea was that it's going to provide cheap family fun holidays and weekends away and whilst he says he thinks its a great idea, he doesn't act like it. I've just told him that there's a bit missing (not a massive deal) and he's just stropping around telling me that we're selling the bloody thing if anything else comes up. (It's my cash that I've just splashed, not his!) The whole camper van thing is really important to me, and I've just spent money my grandad left to me on it because I wanted to invest in something for the whole family. We have discussed it for over a year so it's not like an impulsive decision that he disagreed with.

You might think that it's just because camper vans aren't his thing. But thing is, he will love it when we get out in it, and it's not just this, it's everything. If we arrange a holiday he has to turn everything into a big stress, and things that are important to me (like the first time our 18 month old saw snow - he was a miserable git and dragged him back indoors after 2 seconds of looking at it) he just pisses all over until I feel like I can't be bothered to be excited about anything around him.

He reckons he's practical and I'm flighty and whilst there is some truth in it, he's beyond practical, he's a total killjoy and I sometimes feel he sucks all the colour out of anything that should be lovely. It's not how I want my son to grow up, I want him to enjoy life and being excited about new things.

I've tried talking to him about this but it ends in rows and he can't or won't change. Is anyone elses fella like this and how the hell do you deal with it? I can live with it most of the time but sometimes, like when something really big happens, it drives me to despair. The only thing he ever gets really excited about is the fecking football.

I'm not sure whether to start the reply with the old thing 'A pessimist is never disappointed' or the more reality based answer to the title 'I try to look in the mirror and tell myself to cheer up you miserable old bint'.

if there's nothing else going on that might be colouring his attitude- stress, work, etc, and he's always been like this, then i think you seriously need to look at your relationship because a life of no joy isn't much of one at all. Especially if he refuses to change or discuss. That may not mean ditching him, it probably would mean not even bothering to include him in fun stuff though if he's going to put a dampener on everything.

Cheers Peachy. Should point out that am not some kind of bonkers kids tv presenter/Ned Flanders OTT happy person, but there's some things that I think are important and exciting (especially with kids.)

I have told him I'll just talk to my mates about things that I want to be happy about if he's going to be like that but it annoys me that I have to.

Oh god, and now he's swearing at the cats.

He says he's not feeling too well at the mo but I don't see why he should take that out on the wider world.

I so so so know how you feel. My dh pretty much sucks the joy out of most things with his negativity and anxiety. It sucks. Sorry I have no answers, please let me know if you find one !

My mum does this. I just bluster over her now, the more miserable she is, the more relentlessly jolly I become

Hi lemon. It's draining, isn't it. I'm hiding this evening, I just don't want to be brought down as am already in a bad mood.

I may have spotted a link though - last night when he was on the phone to his mum, she's the same. Anything we decide to do she thinks is stupid and rolls her eyes as if we're about 14 and idiots. Must be ingrained.

Are your in-laws the same? It doesn't help the situation but at least I think I understand where he's got it from...

You have my sympathy my ILs are like this. Unfortunately it makes me (and I guess you get this too) into massively over compensating and having to be the cheerleader/childrens tv presenter uber cheerful type while they just sit there. I always end up with a headache after spending any length of time with them. This type of personality can drain the fun out of life - its not just mildly annoying its actually draining as they drag you down to their dull level if you dont fight against it.

Dont know the answer though. have you sat him down and told him some of what you have put in your post? Maybe he doesnt realise how seriously his attitude is affecting his family? A shock may make examine his ways.

FWIW despite both his parents being utter pessimists with not an ounce of fun or smile between them my Dh is a cheerful, loving, optimist, as is his brother, so your DS wont necessarily end up with this attitude too.

I dealt with it by dumping him

Sorry.

Good luck with finding a solution.

Kerala - that's exactly what it's like, most of the time I can rise above it but after a while it's like swimming against the tide and you just give up and have to recharge.

The irony is, he actually thinks he's a really optimistic person, which makes it harder to get through to him!

my dad is like this and its pretty joyless tbh. I kind of put up withit before but now we have dd i cant bear to be in theroom with him, i just dont want dd exposed to hos relentless joyless negativity. dint get me wrong i love him , but i dont really like him very much. I felt pretty miserable with him as a dad , altho he provided for us really well there is more than life to money . theres emotional supprt too. well - ive never told anyone this
So a camper van hurrah!!!

Sounds tough. I don't have a solution though as, like Bella, I dealt with it by dumping him!

I have family members who are like this though, always seeing the negative, and it can be very draining, so I completely sympathise. In my case I spend as little time with them as possible.

buy him a copy of 'the power of positive thinking'?

Friends MIL is very very negative and really brings my friend down, in the end you have to say (as I did) "say something helpful or just go away, or stop talking" which is easier to say to a friend's MIL than a partner admittedly. (My friend was so relieved someone had said this to her MIL).

Please think about the fact that generally people get MORE pessimistic as they grow older, and do you really want to spend your life like that?

Is he fundementally going to change?

Sorry to be such a killjoy...if anyone knows how to turn a pessimist to an optimist they will make quite a lot of money.

I'm a bit of a grump but it is widely acknowledged and a bit of a joike now and I KNOW when I'm doing it and just say "I'll have my 10 minite downer thank you!" but it sounds like your partenr is not yet this self aware.
I suppose he won't do counselling...?
Or does he restrict his emotional range to the premier league?

Sympathy.

Well, I am generally considered to be a pessimist and proud of it!!!

However, I love playing with dd in the snow, like going on holiday, laugh a lot and can be giddy and silly.

Being a pessimist doesn't mean you have to be grumpy or a killjoy ( think Jack Dee), just you don't think optomistically all the time.

There sounds more to it than just pessismism to me, ie he sounds like he is not really family orientated, and it sounds as if he feels he has been forced into something. I may be wrong of course........ (being a pessimist )

oh bohemian - I am in the same boat. To the point where I am seriously starting to doubt wether there is anything left to salvage in our relationship.

I am so sick and tired of being the only person to instigate anything in our relationship. I don't know the answer. I am trying to just be true to me, and see if he comes along for the ride. I won't drag him along forever though.

It is making me feel very sad at the moment.

I have been through a tough time since having ds (2.5) - very bad PND. But i have worked really hard to address things, and feel like I am changing. I want to be me again, and take risks and live life to the full. DH is happy with his small world - we have really grown apart.

Do you spend time together on your own?

I think having small kids is so hard.

That snow thing would really have pissed me off as well....first times for LO are so fanatstic, like first snow/rain etc, and you can never recapture it.

He sounds not a very inspiring person to be around...., you can still enjoy things/ have a sense of humour when you like to look in the....ahem.....darker side of things.

Dp shouts at me when I get too gloomy , but when he tries to jolly me into his way to optomistic way of thinking (to me) I get annoyed and angry...

I think you need to accept that you may think in different ways, but he doesn't have to rain on your parade all the time, and can enjoy life whilst being a pessimist

My mum is a bit like this. She's not grumpy about things and is enthusiastic about life, but whenever I have news or tell her what I've been up to it seems that the only things she can come out with in response are negative and it does put a big downer on things.

Ah! A joy eater. Yes my DH can be like that but not always thank god. To be fair so can I but not so often.

I try to cheer him up first, then ignore, ignore, ignore, and finally shout so that he goes off to the pub in a grump and comes back better (for a while). I find it's the best way.

MY FIL is like the dementors from Harry Potter he just sucks all the joy out the world the second he appears he never has anything positive to say...ever. I deal with him by not seeing him.

DH and my dad can be quite pessemistic. SH knows he is like this but my dad thinks he is the optomist. DH like yours thinks he is practical but really he is just raining on the parade. I have learnt over the years to just ignore him to be honest, let him whinge and moan and get on with it anyway far easier. Or like OrmIrian said send him off to the the pub I always find a few pints makes for a more optimsitic DH.

Mind you I am luck (in a way lol) DH works away from home so at the moment is only home for a week every month so I don't have to listen to it.

Can you give him some prozac in his peas and see if that helps?

Could be worse, you could have the opposite problem like phoebes date in friends at Minica and Chandlers Wedding Anniversary do!

monkeytrousers completely o/t but your name is what I call ds er pinched it from honestly never pinched it from you cause he just so is.

I am named after Vic Reeves INAC. Is he your hubbY??

My in laws are like and Dh can be, to a certain extent. The glass is always half empty, never half full. I always find it odd that these people tend to choose opposites in a partner as i am like you.

When anything really minor crops up or goes wrong the in-laws come out with 'just our luck'. That winds me up no end and i go really over the top 'What do you mean, just your luck, you don't have bad luck, you're healthy, no money worries, healthy kids and grankids etc etc'. Doesn't change them though and i find it difficult to think of a way you can change your dp, that is fundamentally who he is.

MT just read my post and it makes no sense lol. Sorry am I being thick is who my hubby?