How do you cope with someone who is crushingly negative/pessimistic?

[bohemianbint]

Sorry, I need to let off steam, I've just had to come up here for a time out before I blow a fuse. DS has been driving me mental all day which hasn't helped, but I've also just bought a camper van which is already being a pain in the arse, but the main thing that's really dragging me down at the moment is that:

DP is such a pessimist or just plain miserable about things that should be really exciting and I feel like he drains the life out of me sometimes.

For example, this weekend over the whole camper van thing. He's shown pretty much no interest the whole time I've been looking for one, when I finally won it he was really underwhelmed and negative. He stayed this way when we picked it up and the fact that there's a couple of teething problems have made things worse. The idea was that it's going to provide cheap family fun holidays and weekends away and whilst he says he thinks its a great idea, he doesn't act like it. I've just told him that there's a bit missing (not a massive deal) and he's just stropping around telling me that we're selling the bloody thing if anything else comes up. (It's my cash that I've just splashed, not his!) The whole camper van thing is really important to me, and I've just spent money my grandad left to me on it because I wanted to invest in something for the whole family. We have discussed it for over a year so it's not like an impulsive decision that he disagreed with.

You might think that it's just because camper vans aren't his thing. But thing is, he will love it when we get out in it, and it's not just this, it's everything. If we arrange a holiday he has to turn everything into a big stress, and things that are important to me (like the first time our 18 month old saw snow - he was a miserable git and dragged him back indoors after 2 seconds of looking at it) he just pisses all over until I feel like I can't be bothered to be excited about anything around him.

He reckons he's practical and I'm flighty and whilst there is some truth in it, he's beyond practical, he's a total killjoy and I sometimes feel he sucks all the colour out of anything that should be lovely. It's not how I want my son to grow up, I want him to enjoy life and being excited about new things.

I've tried talking to him about this but it ends in rows and he can't or won't change. Is anyone elses fella like this and how the hell do you deal with it? I can live with it most of the time but sometimes, like when something really big happens, it drives me to despair. The only thing he ever gets really excited about is the fecking football.

I think in every relationship there is one happy go lucky gung ho optimistic type and a more measured other half ( I'm being nice as I'm the more measured one)

I love my Dhs natural exhuberance but have 2 concerns about it

a) he is up-beat to the point of lying about things to himself i.e. we have been trying for DC no 2 for about 7mths, but for him the first 4 mths don't count because we weren't really ready (sorry that probably doesn't make a lot of sense what I'm trying to say is that he ignores any potential downsides to things)

b) He spends a lot more of our money on non necessities than I do i.e. DS had to have a dancing iggle piggle even though its a rubbish toy, when on holiday he spends money like there is no tomorrow because he feels he deserves it. At the moment thats no problem we have a reasonable amout of expendable income, but when I was on mat leave I constantly felt like the big gringe, always asking if we really needed to buy this that or the other.

Maybe your DP is worried about money and doesn't want to discuss it .

I think the answer is in the title, all you can do is cope rather than live life to the full. Maybe gradually spend more time with people who love you for how you are, learn to recognise that lovely feeling of feeling welcomed instead of resented. It does sound like a route to dumping, I'm sorry.

I am on cloud 9 whenever I see a bit of snow floating down, sqealing and rushing to the window, and would love the other adult in this house to smile along with me and the children.

We seem to take it in turns to be the happy one. Not much fun when we are both feeling dismal and we have to compete at it

I find it helps to laugh at it sometimes.
FIL has some classics one being:

FIL emits a big sigh, shakes his head and says "November 28th tut tut tut oh dear".

Me: Is something the wrong, is it a bad anniversary for you?

FIL: (big sigh and downcast face) just that the year has gone so fast.

Arrghgh!

Another catch phrase is "its bound to rain".

The only thing that cheers my ILs up is misfortune happening to other people - particularly holiday related. They really perked up when that cruise ship of holidaymakers had to be evacuated.

Is he happy being like this? (I mean does it bother him or does he feel he is a killjoy)

Maybe he needs to go and see a therapist to find out why he is like this. Unless he finds out the cause of it he won't change.

Of course he has to want to change!

My DH is a bit like this - perhaps not as extreme as your bint, so sympathies

With my DH its small comments - he notices every idiot on th road whilst driving, every ugly renovation, every bratty kid, and then he makes sure I notice too!

I did find telling him helped - not blaming, but just explaining how his moods/negativity makes me feel. I think for him it had become a habit of see/tell, whereas I might see an idiot driver, but not say anything - why bother? I think the more you talk about negative things and express little niggly negative thoughts, the more you bring them to the forefront of your mind and then you notice them even more. Does that make any sense?

Basically, I told DH to please keep his negative observations to himself, and he has been better at doing that. He also says it has helped him to feel less negative, and that he notices annoying things/people less. He does need a kick up the bum now and again though.

Hope that was understandable!

Blimey, I had no idea so many people would be in the same boat. THanks for all the feedback.

We had a massive barny about it this morning (it had been brewing) and I'm even more cross with him now. He doesn't seem to get that keeping the house tidy isn't the most important thing in the world and you can always find something else to do, but occasionally I'd prefer to spend some quality time with him. He then made some crap remarks about how getting a van was more important than my son even eating properly ( FFS I packed a picnic!) and I might have bought a van but he pays the mortgage. This really made me lose it as I've recently had to leave a job and can't afford to work now for the next 5 years what with being pregnant again and childcare being prohibitive - I feel like he's throwing this back in my face now. He seems to think the whole world's against him and like his life should be more fun. He goes out playing footie once a week and that's once more than I go out - he just doesn't seem to get that yes, having kids is tough but that's not my fecking fault and it was him who wanted to have them in the first place! (and breathe....)

The upshot is that I told him to feck off and leave me alone, and after having some time to think at work he's just phoned me all contrite. He reckons he'll change but I think he needs therapy or sommat and I wish it didn't take an apocalypse to get through to him.

Must say, I'd be pretty pissed off if DW bought a camper van and expected me to ever get in it. Regardless of my attitude to anything else, the camper van would pretty much tip me over the edge. Thankfully, I have aksed her never to buy one, so this problem shouldn't emerge.

I've a good idea, tell your dh he is sounding like his dad, this always works with my dh

ha - bigboy, I'll do that, only it's more like his mother.

It goes from bad to worse, honestly.

My exh was incredibly negative. It was so exhausting. His mother was the same. I used to organise nice things for us all to do. The hotel/restaurant/gallery was always a disappointment. Perfectly lovely weekends/weeks/days were totally ruined for many people.

My DP and his mother are so incredibly grateful for any tiny thing I orgainise that it makes me want to weep.

I think I handled it badly. I tried harder and harder to please them and get things right when in fact I should have told them how incredibly rude they were and refrained from putting myself out in future.

My mum is a lot like this, while my dh knowingly and somewhat ironically (= at a manageable level !) says he's more a half empty than a half full vessel type of person.

Thank the lord i don't live with my mum ! Last visit; took her and 4dcs to local italian as dh was working. Simple trip out, thought it would be a treat for all and a chance not to cook . Managed to park just outside which thought would cheer her up, as she has breathing problems with COPD and can't walk far easily. spent the 5 mins in the car prior to this continually fussing in advance about "how near will you be able to get " "Don't forget I can't go far with my breathing" etc etc, making me feel i was threatening her health by suggesting the outing in the first place. Then made a grab for some sauce brought by the waitress, started to pour it liberally on to her pasta saying " Lovely pasta, just a bit plain" coupled with much shaking on of a shedload of salt and pepper. Sauce was chilli oil; I wish she'd asked or checked as all we got then was "Oh I've ruined mine now. Just my luck." Then sat looking miserable. Too late for another main course. (We'd had starters too so she wasn't hungry).

After that we walked 20 yards to a charming independently owned bookshop where the dcs and I go regularly. Thought she'd like this. Was told on the way back it was "disappointing" as there "weren't enough crime novels".

I deal with this by repeating She Is Your Mother over and over again, breathing deeply whenever i feel the life being sucked out of me, but I don't know what I'd do if it were dh. At least you know you're not alone though.

Can't help you with the moody one. But do tell me about the camper van? What did you buy? And where are you planning to go?

oh god my ILs are like this. dh tends towards it, but hates the same quality in his dad, so he goes nuts when i say he's acting like his dad - but then it tends to stop him (for a while).

like Astrophe says, just pointing it out sometimes helps - he can find things to moan about that i wouldn't even have noticed otherwise.

is he like this all the time? dh is more negative when other things are bad, eg busy time at work

'Fraid I also dumped my negative ex. Its so draining living with someone like that. Now am free as a bird, able to be silly and have fun whenever I want to.

I think that negativity is often "just" a family bad habit/reflex, and that pointing it out to someone, and giving them really good solid examples of how their negative comments make life worse for everyone around them and how a positive outlook would make them more lovable and agreeable can work wonders (albeit with a bit of practice).

My partner used to whinge and nag my stepsons when we first got together. When I pointed it out to him, and gave him examples of what he could have said/done instead and, crucially, he got results, he quite quickly learnt better communication strategies.