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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just need to vent

33 replies

kylamonae · 11/09/2023 17:21

I'm just here to vent this may not receive any responses. I've been in my current relationship going on 2 years. In these 2 years my bf has been unemployed twice while living with me. At first it didn't bother me to have to take care of 5 people on my income because he helped out around the house. But now it's becoming too much. Just a little back story I have 3 children from a past relationship he does not have any children. Even though he doesn't have children he sees fit to judge the way I choose to parent.I don't think it's fair I could talk to them and he picks apart my words because "some things don't need to be said". It wasn't until 2 months ago I had to ask 😞 him to wash the dishes after I cook. I mean, to me that's something I should not have to ask especially after I've purchased the food fixed his plate and gave it to him. He has so many demands and will complain about dishes or how I wash clothes. We've had arguments where I've been called a lazy parent bc I dont parent they way HIS mom parented. I choose to be gentle bc they deserve a gentle upbringing. I refuse to yell all day. I've never got over that. Also in that argument he said he should've listened when his folks to him not to date a woman with kids. Then recently said he's glad he didn't listen bc he loves me he doesn't see it as baggage he sees it as a bonus. He brings up the past a lot. And I feel like that's something that didn't need to be said. Especially once he saw how much that hurt me. I will send him out for house necessities and will get a notification that he has made a purchase with my card for cigarettes without asking. I like to keep my home a certain way I have black out curtains bc I enjoy be in the dark. He will open all the windows and blinds even on the weekend know I'm exhausted from waking up at 6 to get the kids ready for school. And I mean bright at early 8:00 Saturday and Sunday. And it drives me crazy bc when he's sleeping I allow him to get his rest. I've been in my head debating is this what's best. Long term will he be a provider? Will I be the provider? Bc I can not be a wife that handles all bills. I have told him what the bills are costing me and without a card he turns lights on and off all day long. I've been asking to go out on a date for almost a year now but nothing changes we do nothing and I'm no longer interested in sex. Hell we can do it whenever there's no romance and that's what I need. When I told him he will say I understand but I feel like we can Al go out and do things and I make time to go out and do kid friendly activities but I'm an adult that's wants to go out and do adult things. I wanna get dressed and go out without having to swipe my card. A year into our relationship I found nude photos of an ex and when confronted with it he said he forgot they were in his phone. Well they were in a email but still. I also found that this ex who he can't stand has gotten flowers more than I have and I may seem child like to say that. But I've done everything I'm supposed to as a woman and have asked for flowers and I shouldn't have to and it hurts. But most recently he has said to me that we have 3 more months to see how this relationship goes before he proposes.... but how can you expect me to say yes when you've never been a provider ? I have always felt like I would benefit from therapy not just for this relationship but when I did he shot therapy down. I sometimes feel like I can not be myself bc he brings up how his mom doesn't do this or the women he grew up around wouldn't do that. And I'm neither of those women. Last week he said I don't understand why people with kids think they are the only ones who think they know how to take care or kids. Huh? I'm just very overwhelmed and idk when they'll be a change. He says he loves me but looking back at all I'm typing i don't believe it.

OP posts:
OllieCollieWoo · 11/09/2023 17:25

Oh just tell him to leave. You might be lonelier for a while but reading that - I can't see a single positive about this relationship. Get back control and tell him to go.

Nannyfannybanny · 11/09/2023 17:28

You need seriously to get rid of this man. I cannot see anything positive you have said about him or your relationship. He appears unkind, unhelpful,lazy, opinionated. You haven't said you love him,or can't live without him. Please don't waste your time and energy on him.

kylamonae · 11/09/2023 17:30

I do love him but love doesn't pay the bills. And if he's this comfortable acting this way while dating marriage would be hell.

OP posts:
OllieCollieWoo · 11/09/2023 17:32

From your initial post it's not just about the bills though is it. It's his behaviour to you and your children.

BettyCake · 11/09/2023 17:33

Leave him. He sounds awful and you're not happy now, it would only get worse if you married him.

kylamonae · 11/09/2023 17:36

OllieCollieWoo · 11/09/2023 17:32

From your initial post it's not just about the bills though is it. It's his behaviour to you and your children.

Yes bc all of the nasty things he has said to me can't be taken back. And I'm sorry isn't good enough

OP posts:
DGConsultant · 11/09/2023 17:45

Bloke's perspective. Get rid, he's a freeloader and a plonker.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 18:04

kylamonae · 11/09/2023 17:30

I do love him but love doesn't pay the bills. And if he's this comfortable acting this way while dating marriage would be hell.

If you love him and truly believe he can sort himself out then ask him to move out till he's sorted his shit out and is in a position to contribute

Set some ground rules and boundaries about what is acceptable to say to you, and how often you expect date nights what he should do round the house etc. and stick to them.

Don't get pregnant

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 18:04

BettyCake · 11/09/2023 17:33

Leave him. He sounds awful and you're not happy now, it would only get worse if you married him.

And if you marry him he'll have some claims to your home too

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 18:05

DGConsultant · 11/09/2023 17:45

Bloke's perspective. Get rid, he's a freeloader and a plonker.

Well summarized!

DGConsultant · 11/09/2023 18:10

Not usually concise, but that did the job, I reckon.

Bonbon21 · 11/09/2023 18:10

Why are you putting up with this shit?
You sound like a fairly sensible adult and a good mum.... so again I ask.... why are you putting up with this shit?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/09/2023 18:18

But I've done everything I'm supposed to as a woman

More like you've done everything you shouldn't have done. You've taken on a lazy, useless git, laid yourself down on the floor and invited him to wipe his feet on you. Which he is now doing.

Please gather up your self-respect and tell this freeloading cock-lodger to pack his shit and fuck off out of your lives. Your children will thank you.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 11/09/2023 18:18

What the hell did I just read?

He is unemployed, spends your money on himself, has to be asked to wash up. Criticises your parenting of your children?

But lucky you, he's going to give you 3 months to prove his mum wrong, that the baggage and your 'shit' parenting of your own kids in your own house is worth it, when you are no doubt exhausted from doing everything and paying for everything.

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE

He will hold what his mother said against you forever, I imagine he's never had to lift a finger with them and can go back anytime.

Do yourself a favour, kick him to the curb put yourself and your children first.

kylamonae · 11/09/2023 18:29

Bonbon21 · 11/09/2023 18:10

Why are you putting up with this shit?
You sound like a fairly sensible adult and a good mum.... so again I ask.... why are you putting up with this shit?

I love him and I thought he would man up but it's like he's comfortable doing nothing. It drives me to have a drink bc I'm so stressed I don't feel like i should have to ask a grown man to do what a man is supposed to do.

OP posts:
Mystro202 · 11/09/2023 18:30

I was once with a man like this in my early 20s. He expected me to pay for everything. He pretended that he was struggling so that I would pay. Eventually I started to really resent him for this which it sounds like you are beginning to. I completely fell out of love with him so ended it. There's no way you will want to stay with a freeloader long term so my advice is get out now..

kylamonae · 11/09/2023 18:34

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/09/2023 18:18

But I've done everything I'm supposed to as a woman

More like you've done everything you shouldn't have done. You've taken on a lazy, useless git, laid yourself down on the floor and invited him to wipe his feet on you. Which he is now doing.

Please gather up your self-respect and tell this freeloading cock-lodger to pack his shit and fuck off out of your lives. Your children will thank you.

And I regret doing it all now. I feel like the man in this relationship. I've done so much he has had no reason to step up.

OP posts:
kylamonae · 11/09/2023 18:37

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 11/09/2023 18:18

What the hell did I just read?

He is unemployed, spends your money on himself, has to be asked to wash up. Criticises your parenting of your children?

But lucky you, he's going to give you 3 months to prove his mum wrong, that the baggage and your 'shit' parenting of your own kids in your own house is worth it, when you are no doubt exhausted from doing everything and paying for everything.

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE

He will hold what his mother said against you forever, I imagine he's never had to lift a finger with them and can go back anytime.

Do yourself a favour, kick him to the curb put yourself and your children first.

I don't feel the need to prove anything now. Everything I have done is proof enough. You

OP posts:
kylamonae · 11/09/2023 18:39

Mystro202 · 11/09/2023 18:30

I was once with a man like this in my early 20s. He expected me to pay for everything. He pretended that he was struggling so that I would pay. Eventually I started to really resent him for this which it sounds like you are beginning to. I completely fell out of love with him so ended it. There's no way you will want to stay with a freeloader long term so my advice is get out now..

I think that's what's going on. But he's always speaking on "modern women" who leave men. But why would I want to stay if I'm doing it all😩

OP posts:
Bumcake · 11/09/2023 18:39

What would you marry this loser? Tell him to take his three month proving period and shove it. Is there anything you’ll miss when he’s gone?

Do your kids like him?

kylamonae · 11/09/2023 18:42

Bumcake · 11/09/2023 18:39

What would you marry this loser? Tell him to take his three month proving period and shove it. Is there anything you’ll miss when he’s gone?

Do your kids like him?

I don't feel like I'll be missing anything now.
My kids like him but when he's upset bc we had an argument he'll close himself in the room and not even say anything to them after school. It's childish

OP posts:
kylamonae · 11/09/2023 18:45

I really appreciate everyone's response. It's nice to finally get it out. I hope everyone is having a beautiful day. ❤️

OP posts:
Catoo · 11/09/2023 18:49

Oh OP
Get rid.
Who TF does he think he is telling you how you and your family should live while he contributes nothing but his bullshit opinions?
Don’t let him bring you and your children down for one more day.
He can also fuck off telling you about his plans to propose in 3 months.
Don’t marry this twat.
x

Tinkerbyebye · 11/09/2023 18:51

Get some self respect and be honest

you allow him to treat you like shit and your kids will see that so you are no example to them

hes a cocklodger, get rid

kylamonae · 11/09/2023 18:57

Tinkerbyebye · 11/09/2023 18:51

Get some self respect and be honest

you allow him to treat you like shit and your kids will see that so you are no example to them

hes a cocklodger, get rid

I had a friend who went through something similar and I told her those exact same words. Now I'm in the same situation

OP posts: