Partner fixating on other women

[Della88]

Hi folks, not the first time I have posted here & this problem does not seem to be getting any better (also a backstory) partner checking out other women on a regular basis, not just a quick look, but literally fixating on them to the point of it being as obvious as F..K. I have explained to him that it is disrespectful to myself and the other women and that it is in no way jealousy on my part, he also doesn't create intimacy with me either, which is another reason I am finding this hurtful. The smart arse has even started walking behind me now, in the hope that I don't notice his behaviour, unbelievable!

Short of not going anywhere with him (which is nigh on impossible because I don't drive) I don't know how else to deal with this, or at least detach from it. I am not in a situation to leave & basically this just feels like a relationship without the respect I deserve.

Thoughts??

Only advice I can give is to get yourself into a situation where you can leave, if his behaviours are unacceptable to you. Because he's clearly showing you, he has no intention of stopping.

What are your barriers to leaving? Never a good place to be in that you don't feel you can leave, because then you end up attempting to tolerate poor treatment - and the other person is complacent you'll stay whatever they do, so there's no incentive to change.

@category12 ...yes, I understand how hopeless this is. I do not work and have very little savings myself...no way could I afford to live alone

Do you have family or friends who could take you in temporarily, while you get on your feet?

If you're able to work, then I would focus on getting a job. If you're unable to work, you might be entitled to help if you were on your own?

@category12 ..believe me, I have been through all this previously, so I am stuck

Your best option I guess then is to emotionally disengage from him and basically live separate lives.

How olds are you ?

Could you book youreself some driving lessons ?

You need to be independant of this man who is disrespecting you, why on earth would you want to spend one moment in his company.

@RandomForest yes, I know all this, I guess I was just looking for support

You need to make a plan to be independent. Imagine how you would be living if you weren’t with him. Where would you be living? How would you be paying your way? Do that.

How does he react when you call him out on it?

@Mademethink no, no children

@Mademethink it wasn't resolved at all. can't even prove they went missing

@Saturdaygirl01 initially he went crazy, minimizing, blameshifting on to me etc. second time he said he didn't realize he was doing it and would make an effort to stop..it hasn't

@Mademethink I have already made clear in my post that I am not in a financial position to move on, health reasons mainly

@Mademethink with respect, I know you are trying to be helpful. I have already been through all these questions, I think in some ways, the discovery of an EA has made me insecure in myself, that maybe something I need to work harder on, I basically know this relationship is crap, shit, or whatever we like to call it, nothing changes and I know it probably never will..

I willingly give you my support.

Does your health prevent you from learning to drive. I know someone who learnt in her 60's, took one day at a time, she passed her test and couldn't believe it, she's a capable driver now in her late 70's.

When a situation seemes impossible to change or escape from, doing one tiny thing can help ease the bigger picture.

This man sounds like he has ground you down, so much so that you can't hear anything but the abuse ringing out in your head.

Make some space for something else, don't worry if you take the eye off the ball with him, you sound in hyper viligent mode, he will carry on exactly as he is, have faith nothing will change if you don't keep tabs on him, I understand there are probably many aspects whereby this man needs monitoring, Im sure his abuse covers many areas but take a rest and sit and think about you, and something for you.

I'll ask first op, what do you like ? what do you like doing, music, telly, crime shows anything, tell us, because I bet you're more interesting than that husband of yours, you've just forgot, or been made to think you're boring by that horrible shallow, cruel man.

Well you can hope for a magic wand - but they don't exist. I doubt he will change and as you're stuck, you are left with putting up with it while disengaging and living a separate life, but under the same roof. If you stop caring, it doesn't hurt so much.
Meantime, I'd be tempted to shine a light on it by a dose of his own medicine. Get pics of men out and do the same, see how he likes those onions - you don't have to enjoy looking, just make it look really obvious that you are. Don't forget to comment about the odd male either.
If he has a problem with it, let him know his lack of attention has resulted in you looking elsewhere 😉

@RandomForest Thank you, yes, you are indeed correct, abuse has also involved gaslighting, blameshifting and all that emotional abuse stuff (only realised what it all was not so long ago) I have made progress regarding self love and continue to work on that.

@Opentooffers ...Lol, that made me laugh a bit to be honest

you cannot force him to change, he does not want to and has no reason to. In fact - even if he wanted to be rid of you, he'd be kind of stuck just like you are (although more so because of social pressure than practical problems). So the best you can do is to start planning your exit, even if it will be a long process

It sounds absolutely awful and I sympathise with you. He sounds like a complete Pric*. I bet he's addicted to porn hence why can't be intimate with you and staring at any female he sees. I'm heartfelt sorry that there's no easy solution but at the very least your intelligent and you now know what your dealing with. I can't offer a solution as you've made it clear you've thought of everything yourself and I hope and pray somehow you can find a way out. What about using his debit card to withdraw a deposit for a flat and arranging for universal credit to pay for it? Just an idea!